Gay in the city The gay man exists in many forms in the public imagination. For some he is the effeminate stranger with loud clothes, or the cross dresser, and for some, he is the perverse man hunting for sex in dark alleys or parks. What if someone told you that he was none of those? What if there is another story to be told? Did anyone ever bother to find out? Probably not.
And why should you? It doesn't matter to anyone, does it? But consider this. What if someone told you that your neighbour, your best friend, your colleague, your nephew or your own child was gay� No, not possible? Sure? Then don't read further because this is not a story for the faint-hearted. Neither is it for those that wish to cling to their perverse notions about homosexuals. However, if you have an open mind, read on� Let us begin with me. Who am I? I am a 27-year-old successful professional belonging to a respectable middle class urban home. The first time I said these three words � "I am gay" � was late one night in the dark bedroom of a comfortable apartment somewhere in South Delhi. Huddled up in a quilt, I said to no one in particular, "I am gay". Or maybe I did say it to someone. Myself? Is that why I had to repeat it twice, much slower each time, for me to grasp the meaning of what I had said? Yes, I am gay. Correction. I am happy and gay. Is this different from saying "Am I gay?" Yes, quite different. No longer any ambiguity, no longer any confusion and an enormous sense of relief. The moment I said these three words to myself, the world changed and so did I. It was like I had finally come home. The address that had been eluding me, the destination I had been looking for. The end of one sublime journey and the beginning of many. But for many that live in this city, being gay does not always equal to being happy. They dare not even say that word `gay', for fear of ridicule, losing their jobs, being ostracised and probably sometimes even much worse. They must hide their desires, live false lives and pretend. So how do these gay men live? Do they operate through networks? Do they have cliques? More important, what is it like to be gay in your city? To know all that, you will have to meet a few more men. My friend Pradeep has been the closet for several years now. No, he is not confused, he is not unsure, he is gay. Yet he dare not come out to his family. He talks about it sometimes in the support group that we both go to. He is sure his family would never accept it . Worse still, he fears they would take him to a psychiatrist and get him treated, no expense spared, until he forgets that he was ever gay. International PHILADELPHIA Philadelphia, a 1993 movie written by Ron Nyswaner and directed by Jonathan Demme, gave a new twist to the gay story. Hailed as a landmark film that dazzles with deep emotion and exceptional acting, Philadelphia, starring Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington as two competing lawyers, saw Hanks playing the role of a gay man. Though most of the movie deals with Denzel Washington and Tom Hanks coming together to sue a prestigious law firm for AIDS discrimination, the sentiments of Hanks and his partner Antonia Banderas gave the story its magical poignancy. Pradeep sits out on the Internet late at night hoping to meet someone. He dreams of falling in love with someone too. Every other Tuesday night he sneaks out of home on the pretence of going to a late night film or an old friend's house for dinner and comes to a gay bar somewhere in the city, to be himself. His family wants him to get married next year and is looking energetically for a match for him. His strategy for dealing with this is that he will leave for the US next year for a Master's and then hopefully will not visit more than once a year. He will then escape his family and be able to live a life free of lies. Yadav, who belongs to a lower middle class family in Delhi, is probably in a less fortunate position. He is quite sure that he will have to get married and is preparing himself for it. He says that he will learn to have sex with women; it can't be that difficult, can it? Soon kids will follow and then he believes sex is not that important. And what of his own desires? He will seek out men on the side. Because he can't afford to go to the gay nights, he scours the cruising areas to meet someone. Much like Pradeep, he hopes to find someone who will be with him. He also hopes that this man will accept his married status. Yadav would ideally like to set up home with another man. But will this city let him do such a thing? Suneet, a brilliant doctor, came out to his family four years ago. It wasn't easy but Suneet worked to make his family understand what it meant to be gay and how he needed their support. Two years ago, he met someone and started dating him regularly. They recently moved in together and Suneet's parents accepted his partner into their family. Today it's wonderful to meet Suneet, he is happy, and in a secure relationship. While Suneet's extended family is still unclear about the status of his `special friend', somewhere in the continuum Suneet has found the peace and happiness many gay men are looking for. The stories of Suneet, Pradeep and Yadav co-exist in the same society. The difference may be of education, economic status, class or culture but most important, it is one of acceptance. Open- mindedness, as someone rightly said, is not about labelling people but about accepting them. The fact is that we continue to live in a dishonest society where gay men have to live with the fear of blackmail, of extortion, or being beaten or worse, killed by those that consider that they have a right to do so. So who is to blame then � a society which refuses to recognise the diversity of its people or the media which only sees this minority as the perfect fit for sleazy stories? Delhi has an active gay culture. Each week, close to a hundred gay men meet in a low-profile Delhi bar which allows them the space to express themselves. Do they meet there to find sex? Sure, that is one of the objectives, much as it happens to be in straight society. People meet, like each other, meet more often, maybe have sex and sometimes decide to be together. Why should it be any different for gay men? That space every week allows them to meet others of their preferences in a safe area where they can meet talk, laugh and be themselves. The Internet is another such safe, yet anonymous, space. While hundreds of gay men meet in bars and in cruising places, there is still a larger number who seek and meet people on the Internet. These are people who even lack the courage to go to gay parties or cruising places. But before the moral pundits start chanting, let me tell you that this is not a gay space alone. The number of straight people looking for sex and companionship on the Internet far outstrips gay people. But even these spaces are now being violated by those who will not let gay men be. Criminals, pranksters or simply homophobic men, pretending to be gay on the Internet, get unsuspecting gay men to meet them in secluded areas where they can extort money or force them into sex. Who's the pervert now? For some gays who have had the support of their families and friends, being gay is revelling in the difference. It's like wearing red glasses and looking at the world. Of seeing the world through another lens, of talking to it from another window. But until you realise and accept that you are gay, the happiness eludes you. You live with this under-confidence, this awkwardness, this drifting that is unbearable. It was the same for me until I came out. Life really did begin then. No more confusion, no more stereotyping. No longer pretending to laugh at awful bawdy jokes about women. God, it was relief. Did I always know I was different? Does everyone? Probably� Now that I look back, everything does seem to fall in place. All through school I did everything right and yet despite everything, I felt at odds both with myself and the world. The truth about it all is that being gay is difficult, sure, but it is not insurmountable. Of the most difficult issues that confront gay and bisexual men, acceptance of self and acceptance by family and friends is most crucial. While staying in the closet works for several people, breathing fresh honest air is another matter altogether. Once this hurdle is crossed, everything else is livable, handlable and tolerable. However, rarely do societies and families allow acceptance of this preference. So many of my friends had such a difficult time when they came out to their families. One can understand their concern, their fear, their anxiety and sometimes even their denial to accept tell-tale signs. But does wishing away a reality make it disappear? I know for myself the many years I lived in exhausting confusion and anxiety of who I was. One day I chanced upon the number of a gay support group. Predictably, denial came first. No, I did not need to call anyone or go to meet anyone. I did not have any problem and even if I did I would resolve it in time. Blah Blah! I have talked to so many gay men and it was similar for so many of us. The denial to accept who we really are. I never threw the number away either. Why? For in that denial also lay the seeds of hope. Did anyone else feel like this too? What did they do? What did they think? Could I find them? Finally, I made that call, shut in the bathroom and whispering into the cordless phone. The support group meeting was held every Saturday. I reached the address I was given and then stood outside for a full five minutes. I was terrified. Finally I pushed the door open and went in. I did not realise then, as I crossed that threshhold, that I would never be back outside that door again. I had, in that one moment, left behind 20 years of confusion, doubt, self-denial and self-hatred. All that baggage was now parked outside that door somewhere in Green Park. The men sitting in that room changed my life. They spoke eloquently on various issues and laughed and joked and fooled around like family. I so wanted to be one of them. To be happy, relaxed and gay. I made friends, heard their stories, and in turn, learned more about myself. Each one of us was trying to live in a world which did not even recognise that we existed. And yet so many lives from that same group tell a different story. Those who were forced into marriages had traumatic experiences when they came out or were simply packed off to psychiatrists. I decided then that the first step to living honestly was to come out to my immediate family. Despite some amount of heartache and shock, my family gave me unconditional support. It happened over several months. Each day a new set of questions, each day a new of objections. When did I come to know? How did I know? Did I have a boyfriend? Did I sleep around? Most important for my mother, of course, was: Did I have safe sex? I answered all the questions patiently. I had to. I owed it to my family to let them know who I was and what kind of lifestyle I was living. I would be lying if I said those days were easy but then, the truth never is. The initial shock and fear remained for several months but then it subsided. My family realised that they had to trust and support me. Luckily for me, they understood that being gay was not a perversion or a deviation. It was just being `different'. As my mother put it to me one night, several drinks down, she said she knew now that I was special and different and she would try and live up to my expectations. And all along I thought I had been on trial. My family even learned the gay lingo and would joke with me in code over the heads of people in parties. Being gay became a celebration. It meant seeing oneself and the world in a whole new context. It was like looking at the world through a pair of pink fishnet stockings. Try it sometime, it works. It meant being able to come home and talk about it. It allowed me to address so many of my hopes and fears. I would tell my mother about my secret affairs. Some of those who were courting me and some of those whom I was trying to court. Countless gay friends came home and spent time with me and my family. As one of them told my mother once, it feels so light to be here. When I fell in love, the first person to know about it was my mother. Did the city accept us? I don't quite know. Attitudes differed. I knew some people talked behind our backs. Some people laughed and some people looked at us like we were Martians. At the same time, a lot of people welcomed us into their homes, some into their lives. But had we started living together, the city might not have been this kind. The ability to look at different things from afar in polite settings is far easier than to see them as part of everyday life. There were, of course, those who were condescendingly accepting. "Oh, you are gay. How charming." (Really? For who?) "Oh. You are together. You are a couple (note emphasis on `you'). I guess it's okay." (Aha! Don't remember asking you if it was.) One such instance I always recount with a lot of glee. My partner and I met someone at an art gallery. Somewhere in course of the conversation, our relationship was made clear to him. "It is quite all right to be gay, you know, it's okay," he said, nodding his head vigorously. I gave him my sweetest smile and replied, "I know. It's quite all right to be straight, you know. Not that much fun for sure. But okay I guess." The man was probably trying to be sweet. But who asked him to be? Couldn't he be normal? It's never easy to be who you are, but then being someone else is far more difficult in the long run. It's better to be happy and gay than to be unhappy, lying and miserable. If you are meant to be gay, then be so. The same piece of advice for straight people. If your neighbour, your best friend, your brother is gay, let him be. On the screen GAY BOMBAY (Nathalie Khanna / UK / 1994 / 30 min) � A look at Bombay's gay subculture through interviews with `out' people HINDUSTAN (David Dasharath Kalal & Gita Reddy / USA / 1995 / 04 min) � An experimental music video... with a queer twist JODIE (Pratibha Parmar / UK / 1996 / 24 min) � About Jodie Foster as a lesbian icon. A later work by perhaps the first filmmaker ever to voice queer South Asian issues in cinema BOMGAY (Riyad Wadia / India / 1996 / 11 min) � Six short films based on the poetry of R Raj Rao IFTI (Hajira Majid / USA / 1998 / 20 min) � About Iftikar Nasim, Chicago-based gay Pakistani poet/activist PURI (Arif Noorani & Kevin d'Souza / Canada / 1998 / 6 min) � Experimental reflections on South Asian gay male sexual fantasies SUMMER IN MY VEINS (Nishit Saran / India - USA / 1999 / 41 min) � A gay filmmaker comes out to his mother on tape LETTER FROM HOME ( - - - / USA / 12 min) � A letter to a gay man from his conservative Indian mother The writer of this piece is a Delhi-based professional who prefers to remain anonymous ------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~--> $9.95 domain names from Yahoo!. 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