From
Relationship
to
Partnership
by
Paul Brenner, M.D., Ph.D.
and Donna Martin, M.A.
Successful close relationship either starts as, or evolves
into, a partnership. Unfortunately, many relationships end up focused on
differences and so are based on a certain amount of friction, competition, and
tension. Our intimate live-in relationships offer us a constant reminder of the
work we still have to do. If we are successful, we can transform an ordinary
relationship into the precious gift of partnership.
How does a relationship move from the early courtship phase,
through the difficult relationship phase, into a creative partnership?
Courtship brings out our playfulness. During this phase there
is often an intimate sharing, where even parts of our shadow are sometimes
exposed as we test each other's degree of acceptance. Mixed in with these
hidden parts are our childhood gifts. Attracted to similar qualities in each
other, we feel a sense of belonging -- a recognition of a familiar face of
love. In courtship, we tend to radiate a youthful joy that friends and family
notice. We glow.
When courtship moves into marriage, or other forms of live-in
relationship, things change. Living together recalls the family of origin. The
honeymoon is soon over, as the unfinished business of the past turns fun into
work. Each partner may now begin to wonder, Where did it go? Where the hell did
the love go?
The relationship can then deteriorate into a chronic
relationship, held together by tension and only momentary reminders of
courtship feelings. Blame may arise, overt or insinuated. As the unmet needs
from childhood again create dissatisfaction, the relationship may sink to the
level of a "he said-she said" battle. Usually, the partners don't see
how they are projecting their childhood unmet needs and their disowned (shadow)
parts onto their mates. Then, as if by magic, the mates may even start acting
out their partner's projection. In chronic relationships, we end up living with
what we least like about ourselves, because that is what we see in the other
person.
The work at this point is to surrender expectations and
attachments, and to stop blaming. We can begin to move toward partnership and
truly meet each other for the first time, as two unique individuals. As in any
relationship or partnership, disagreements will continue to occur. There are
times when major disagreements are best worked out separately, alone or with
the help of a wise friend or knowledgeable therapist.
The heat of an argument can obscure the personal insights
necessary for resolving a conflict. Time apart often helps us not only to
recognize but to admit how we participate in causing friction. With awareness,
empathy, and honesty, we can then reunite with our mates more creatively.
As we progress with our individual inner work, we move with
greater and greater ease from feeling disconnected to reunion. We start to get
more out of time alone and time together. The relationship becomes a place to
play, to relish whatever is happening in the moment, and to create works of
love that serve others. It becomes a partnership. In a partnership there is a
commitment to embracing pain as well as joy. The real gift of partnership is
the discovery of play.
As we have seen, the childhood experience of love and pain is
difficult to understand. In the attempt to create meaning out of this paradox,
the child can make wrong assumptions that have long-term consequences. One
assumption is that certain gifts always come at the cost of certain hurts or
unmet needs; another is that love hurts or that love cannot be trusted. As a
child, you might have thought you were unworthy or unlovable. These assumptions
become the basis of your adult reality.
Let's look again at the whole picture of your childhood gifts
and hurts. Look for paradoxes: between the gifts, for example (creating a kind
of paralysis), or between the hurts (creating a sense of victimization, no
matter what happens). Can you see the source of some of your own assumptions?
If you experienced a repetition of painful events in your
childhood, powerful memory patterns were probably stored for retrieval at a
later date. Any similar event that matches even a trace of a given memory can
recall the entire emotional charge associated with that memory! This phenomenon
is one source of post-traumatic stress syndrome. Remembering emotional and
physical pain has been a key to our survival as a species; unfortunately, this
kind of instant recall can be a real obstacle to intimacy. We all make
inaccurate assumptions at times, and these distort our reality.
As children, if we had two separate but simultaneous
experiences, we tended to assume that they were linked. We then came to expect
this combination to be repeated elsewhere in life. If one part of the equation
is missing, we assume the other is missing, too. If one is present, we assume
the other is present. Our gifts and hurts became fused, and are now the source
of our relationship themes and patterns, especially in long-term relationships.
Commitment, intimacy, and live-in situations are reminders of
our childhood experience in the family. Here is where we begin to sabotage our
relationships. The most common internal voice that comes up to help re-create
our family experience is the inner critic, often projecting our shadow onto our
partner. This might be when we star telling ourselves that we'd be better off
alone.
Live-in relationships become chronic when we blame the relationship
for not giving us what we want. We often use our intimate relationships to
perpetuate and justify our distrust of love. We won't escape our past until we
begin to look at and question our childhood assumptions.
We sometimes like ourselves more when we're alone than when
we're in a long-term relationship. The paradox of this is like saying,
"you should be with me when I am alone!" It may seem as though our
partners never see us at our best. However, if you have someone in your life who
can meet your needs and you can avoid sabotaging the relationship, then you
have already started the work of self-repair. In meeting your own needs, you
can now allow another person into your life without the fear of losing your
gifts.
You may discover that your family patterns and childhood
assumptions don't play themselves out in intimate relationships as much as in
your work or with your kids. The chronic relationship can rear its head in many
different arenas, and in many different ways. Remember that what you see in
your mate, your children, and your coworkers may be yourself. When you can
begin to laugh at what once would have angered you, you are on the road to
breaking unconscious patterns. This is true freedom.