Hullo Folks
Here's something for all of you to read, enjoy and oh yes don't be afraid to laugh...Only that reading this ream might be to the dentriment of your time, so make sure you willing to splurge some of your time on it...
G
You know something, even someone who’s as thick as two short planks wouldn’t find it difficult to pigeonhole today’s Bollywood film genres into the following categories:
- Schmaltzy, hokey, lovey-dovey and unnecessarily grandiose and lavishly made family dramas…yes family dramas in the true sense of the word in which fathers, wives, sons and daughters come together to crank out sometimes boringly familiar and stale performances like clockwork…This is more so especially if the actors and the filmmaker are really strongly related either by marriage, profession or even by bed, so to speak…This I say irrespective of one’s gender or sexual orientation…
- Now the above point segues into the one which spotlights yet another idiosyncrasy of the present-day films: sting operation and casting couch…It’s not for any other reason that I had refrained from opening the papers for news…And it’s devilishly amazing to find nothing but loads of claptrap that’s turned out in these papers hinging on a flimsy and flighty premise such as casting couch…I do agree that it’s a very prevalent issue that has been styled a necessary evil even in today’s day and age but boy come on give us a break…It’s as though there wasn’t anything else that had been happening round the globe…Picture this: some luminary dies and the news is well covered but the reportage makes room for a mention of a sting…someone scores a goal, jolly good show, mate!! and then you can’t help noticing what a
candid camera had to capture on its lens about a nearly veteran and popular comic displaying his overtures to rope a hapless victim in on to the couch…ouch!! Some pretty lady unwittingly or intentionally drags a famed director and producer out of the closet on his very chat show and then you find what a no-count politician has to say about casting couch…height of mockery if you ask me…I mean what has failed to either impress or dawn upon me was whether this was a means of maligning and tarnishing the little repute that these people possess or glorify such atrocities…Even before, it was the song and dance made of the a few surreptitiously shot oral sex photos of a school-going couple on a camera phone and doled out to the worthy and fortunate few by an incredibly daring and equally doltish IIT student…This went on about unchecked for about three months…Making news isn’t wrong…Everyone wants news to live, to know about themself and the kind of world they’ve been made to survive in and
to take their heads away from the clouds and wake up and smell the coffee or the reek of such never-ending shitty reportage…But I say enough’s enough!! There are stories, adventures and misadventures alike galore that have been swept under the carpet and then everyone is blessed and there’s no misery in the world…Isn’t the world the best place to live? Skeletons have been rotting in very many putatively unknown cupboards since time immemorial and so be it, why not take pity and leave it just at that…?
- The third type is the films that are increasingly becoming too much to take and handle…I mean can any one tell me how much of a shame can the proverbial cat of nine lives be put to when a person is a model-turned-Miss Utopia-turned-actor-turned-director-turned-producer-turned-God only knows what’s next…?
The word item number grosses me out so much so that I either snap, get up and stalk out of the scene or steal out of it…Not everyone can make a chayya chayya or a khallas or even a number which has a reed-thin, seemingly voluptuous, and unsavourily bedizened and dolled up strumpet-like lass-only to appear more revolting…Have we not had to endure enough sleaze and skank in those non-filmy albums which were the appallingly transmuted versions of the evergreen and immortal smash hit songs of the bygone era?...
Again I’m not trying to play devil’s advocate or an Uncle Scrooge(in terms of being an inveterate grumpy cynic), I’m only trying to moot the idea or air my view, if you like, of how simply more preposterous it could get by picturing those ‘show me the colour of your money and I’ll shimmy my way up to your bedroom or shake some booty for you’ tarts in an abominably squalid and decadent fashion…?Frankly, not only have I been fed up to the stomach but also have had to keep making allowances for such on-screen smut…
If you sit back and take notice all those so-called item number lassies who have till now been sitting pretty have wised up to the dearth of ambition in them for doing such bar-girl roles…They suddenly appear to have had a nirvanic brush and start looking for roles that would make them a little money if not any sense…If Britney’s I’m a slave was a hit it’s because it had the person without whom it would’ve been a disaster-Britney herself…Now if she scorched the screen with her fiery gyrations and serpentine orgies it was not exactly a way of setting precedent for us to take it off in the most absurd of ways…
It clicked for Isha Koppikar not merely thanks to her jiving prowess and skin show alone but more significantly because it had many other ingredients to make that song a foot-tapping and butt-quaking one-the music, the singer and above all else the film-maker…It’s not a blasphemy to pattern other songs on the original…who couldn’t put a finger on Khallas and point it later to I’m a slave? But that doesn’t make concessions for every other club song…What works for you needn’t work for me…One man’s meat is definitely another man’s poison(you should forgive my been caught seemingly wanting in political correctness but idiomatic expressions have an immutably fixed structures, you see…?)
There’s no exemption on men, mind you…Himanshu Mallik started the cult of the smooching spree with the rancid cheesecake Mallika Shararat….err…I meant Sharawat who made a splash-more like a meteoric flash in the pan-at the recent Cannes and drew enough flak for leeching onto and tagging along aimlessly and desperately with her only ‘Myth’ Jackie…She, indubitably, must’ve cast a spell with her bedazzling and bewitching looks and contours on the paparazzi and other hounding shutterbugs but for a hopelessly hapless soul such as hers, isn’t it enough to last her a life time or should we let her luxuriate or revel in all of it while or as long as she can…? It’s but such
an irony that these maddeningly mushrooming fashionistas make such skimpy and outlandish garb for again such mutinous yet grossly and grievously mislaid (hush, no pun intended) and misguided starlets such as her…If shucking off or stinting on clothes or even worse, pathological kissing was the only recipe for success in a frighteningly feral and seedy and stiffly competitive place like Bollywood, then I wonder why there hasn’t been an ‘All India Nudist’s Association of Bollywood’ only to be further banned by the even stinkier Indian Penile…shite!!I mean Penal Code …Sherarat…oh darned…not again, I obviously meant Sherawat, here’s a pointer for you: revolting against your family and running off from it to make it big in a jungle like Bollywood by merely going easy on attire is no pie; you’d be kidding yourself into hallucinating that that indeed’s the way…Grow up girl!!
And then we always have a line-up of, for the most part, homely-looking and urgently glammed up Miss and Mrs Utopias that ultimately land up in the grunge of Bollywood…Their career gets off to a flying start and when it is expected to level off, somewhere mid-air its engine gives out (conks out) and it, as a result, nosedives/plummets down…Then the need of the hour alerts them to go back to the drawing board, get edified and enlightened and help them shun their virtually purposeless and grotty glam doll image…Ash did it and got noticed for that…She even traversed the regional boundaries with éclat and élan …It, however, took Sushmita a while to follow suit…Urmila that way had always been a clever girl in choosing her roles…Being a bit faddy can get you that cherry on the cake…It’s there fore about time she gives herself a makeover just as she did
after ‘chamma chamma’…But hey hark!! Aping is not the name of the game; get real…!!
After Himanshu, the hot bod who’s not only come to stay but has also acquired oodles of kudos is John Abraham…In fact the extent of admiration and adulation this bloke’s received has made the glamour of the likes of Himanshu and Dino Morea pale and their steamily sexy image that had so preciously been held blur and peter out…John, known more for being nearly and forever in the altogether than anything, had the right kind of virility, machismo and ‘hotness’ in tandem with commendable acting skills that helped him make a go of being rained with decidedly becoming offers and lines…John irrefutably is a trendsetter and most definitely by far the hunkiest chunk of be it the modelling or fashion and even Bollywood
beefcake…But John I’ll tell you what, I reckon it’s high time you got clad and did some ‘meaty’ roles…Holy schmoly, a pun again…? By the bye, Salman, you would do well to go on eternal holiday and kindly age and bald with grace; I almost retched looking at your hairdo in that film that you played hero against that fat lipped dumb and scatty looking lassie…
- Perhaps the most frightfully loopy and wryly humorous of all genres is ‘Horror’ …I mean honestly I still haven’t been able to latch on to the USP of such flicks…Some thrillers have been given their fairer deal but there’s a limit on churning out such films with spooks, though…Going by the ingrained Indian copy-cat custom, if something has gone down well with the audience a slightly altered or better still mutated version would pass off well too…And thus we’ve had a slew of scary movies in the past couple of years that have virtually wrought havoc with at least me, personally…I never would miss out on any though and you know why’s that …due to the simple fact that such films tickle my rib…give me a few good laughs…Geehee!! And why at all in the world has there been a drastic transgression in Matondkar’s
attitude…Put simply, it’s as though breaking the bombshell norms…All right all right, I’m not whining about why she had to snag an award winning role in Bhoot or whatever but all I’m saying is that she doesn’t necessarily have to be apotheosised as the goddess of horror…Been as if forced to set an example of an overwrought, highly-strung, perpetually neurotic and possessed, distraught girl-next-door, hasn’t she?…And where’s the sense in making more and more films with that accursed fixation on horror…?
Albeit she undoubtedly has proven to win one heart too many and also proved her histrionic mettle, that’s a different story outside the purview of my discussion..., I’ll spare your blushes here…
- And would the goddess spit fire or vent spleen hollering, ‘Whoever said that a sex bomb can’t do horrendous…oopsss I mean horror films? Who’s listening? Oh now go get a life, will you…?!!
You will realise that the actual purpose of my dashing this sorta guff off like this is not merely to rail at or rant about Bollywood and its films (I’m a die-hard aficionado of the films myself…but not the kind of one’s I’ve slammed above…) but to both appreciate and debunk the wacky inventiveness of us humans to coin downright new-fangled and bizarre-sounding neologisms…
The term Bollywood has caught on with people because it was the first time ever such an invention had been thought-up…It’s on the strength of its widespread popularity and usage that the word has also come to be not only accepted but also given a place in the legendary authority of the English language-The Oxford Dictionary. This, however, oughtn’t to be deemed as a passport to dreaming up risible appellations for the various film industries across the world…The fact of the matter is that by no manner of means is ‘Bollywood’, as a word, widely recognised…No layperson in either the US of A or the UK would fathom what the word might mean; to them it simply may sound like a sound-alike of Hollywood…The seriousness of its purport is not instantly comprehended unless of course explained…They could even mistake it for a typographical error or
malapropism. Now, true to form, we don’t let something draw bouquets for long, see that something similar to it is tarred with the same brush as this one and gloat over the brickbats it is hurled…What gets me is the way in which all those mindless freethinkers go to any great length to devise a stupidly idiotic and freaky appellation. You are bound to pull a quizzical and nonplussed face when the first time you come across a word such as Tollywood…(Even the Word doggedly tries to suggest Hollywood instead of other ‘woods’ that I, in part gracefully and in part ruefully, am going to have to ignore…)
The first time I had seen it, I did a double take, raised my eyebrows and frowned disbelievingly…I was like, ‘Where do these creeps come up with such terms…’ I mean come on talk about height of insanity; I had also had to put up with the frequent mention of words such as ‘Kollywood’ and ‘Mollywood’…
Putting two and two together and putting my inchoate ideas to test, I tried and tried and eventually tumbled to its meaning…Since Bollywood has been modelled on Hollywood-spun off from the original name of an upmarket and veritably immortalised city in the state of California, USA, people have taken on a poetical right or acquired that undeserved licence to name places based on the riot of their imagination…
In this regard, I too have tried to take the Mickey out of such zany people and have had a crack at sending them up by coming up with such exceptionally ludicrous names for various film industries of the world…The first four, however, have sullied or graced (laden with mordant sarcasm) the papers already…Read on…
1. Tollywood-the Telugu film industry
2. Mollywood-the
3. Kollywood-Kerala
4. Lollywood-referring to
5.
6. Sollywood- South America
7.
8. Jollywood-Japan
9. Chollywood-Voila!!You’ve guessed it right-China…
10. Brollywood- Britain
11. Wollywood- Wales
12. Scollywood- Scotland
13. Dubliwood- Ireland
14. Rollywood- Russia
15. Afrollywood- Africa
16. Saudiwood- UAE
17. Phollywood- The
18. Grollywood- Greenland (does or can any one exist there, come to think of it?)
19. Nollywood- Nepal
20. Thollywood- Thailand
21. Burlywood- Burma
22. Zollywood- New Zealand
You are free to tack on any of your figments of imagination to this list if you wish…
Hope you’ve enjoyed reading this article…Ought you to have any comments (not the ones that are off-the-cuff or below the belt) to pass or suggestions to make, please don’t hang back-you’re free to put out feelers by saying what you think…
Thank you and see you round!!
Cheers
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