Hi,
I am including a post from one of the groups I got
through one of the many mails has set me
contemplating. This is the experience of married guy
with a gay orientation. Its an interesting read and
more importantly gives an insight to the psyche of a
guy with a gay orientation :
THE GAY PSYCHE
I am a 38 year old guy and have spend a greater part
of my life in Delhi, right since I was born, my
education, my first job etc.
I never had any real sexual experience with any guy
till my first job, though I always fantasised myself
having sex with some of the good looking guys in my
class, getting pics from magazines such as Gladrags
and shagging in the bathroom looking at those pics. I
also spent a good amount of time cruising for guys in
Andheri and Bandra railway stations when I was in
Mumbai.
It was a time when the internet had not caught
on and you had a very decent crowd coming to these
stations, that is now abound with touts. I also
allowed myself to be probed by guys in crowded trains.
Once the internet came in, then the means changed and
the web became a new field for cruising. One thing I
did observe in the gay community, whether it was in
the stations or in the web, the focus was tremendously
on sex. It all boiled down to ASL and stats in 99 % of
the cases.
I also got confused with this approach and
the meaningfulness of the same and during the time I
was also under pressure to get married. I was with a
good organization, was very well qualified and had the
advantage of good looks. Even today if I happen to
chat, I say am 25 and am able to get along with that.
In fact most of the guys I met who were in their mid
20s actually looked much older than me.
Before I get
into something else, let me come back to the issue of
marriage that started troubling me. I spent long hours
wondering on how to tackle this issue, I never came
out in the open to my family. Even today I am not out.
I had lengthy discussions with my elder brother on the
significance of marriage and what it means to my life.
I also had fears of sexual compatibility with my wife
and how I intend to do justice to her and my kid in
the future. I was also disillusioned with the gay
world, not because it was not socially acceptable, but
with the hollowness of the whole concept of adopting a
gay life.
I am also an avid reader of the Bhagwad
Gita and must say that itâs the mother of all books
on modern thinking. And I must share with you that
itâs a book which is very practical today and sends
a very powerful message across and the best part is
that it does not insist on you following it nor has it
anything to do with religion. Its about doing your
duty with all the skill and excelling in whichever
field you are in.
This is one thing that was deeply
etched in my mind and I started evaluating what is the
course of action that best supports my objective of
focusing on my skills and that takes me towards
excellence. After spending quite some time
contemplating of may sexual orientation, I finally
agreed to get married. My marriage was arranged and my
wife comes from a good family with a professional
qualification like mine. The initial month was good in
terms of sexual experiences and since I was indulging
in sex with a woman for the first time, I myself was
exploring and I did enjoy. After a month the novelty
died down and the pressure of my work took on me.
I
must admit at this point of time that I was not
sexually attracted to my wife and still used to
fantasize about guys. I often âcameâ thinking
about guys when I made love to my wife. The fact
however is also this that though I never liked her
sexually, I did love her, took care of her and always
looked forward to being with her. I took her along
with me for every assignment, though I had to incur
huge amount of expenses in traveling and lodging. I
remember being with hospitalized and how she spend
those moments with me, at times she often fought with
the doctors for me and often broke down in front of
the doctors when they were not able to diagnose my
illness. But she never shed a single tear in front of
me. We then decided to have a kid, and again we spent
a long time discussion on whether we should really
have a kid, whether we are capable of giving it a
meaningful life. We finally went ahead with our plans.
All this time I always was wondering whether I should
tell my wife about my sexuality. I had actually
stopped going to the net and somehow the gay
environment was sickening most of the time. I also
wondered whether the kind of support that I got from
my wife, being with me when I needed help the most and
supporting me in my career, could these things have
been achieved with a gay partner. I felt sex is just
one of the binders in a relationship, it may be
critical.
But a relationship that is based purely on
sexual orientation may actually end up in a disaster.
Relationship or lets call it partnership is also got
to do with your career growth, your financial
aspirations, your social relationships and its not
just satisfying your instincts. Today my marriage is
more that three years old and its solid. My love to my
wife has grown stronger by the day. The happiest
moment came when we had our daughter. I get a great
feeling of happiness runs through me when she holds my
hand, when she stops crying when I lift her, when I
see the most beautiful smile on her face when I return
from office. Could I ever got this had I been with a
gay partner.
Today I enjoy making love with my wife, I
miss her when she is not around. I do fantasize guys,
I even have sex with them when I am out of station,
but its my wife whom I love. I may be wrong in my
assumptions, but I feel we should not confuse sexual
orientation with a relationship. Very few human beings
are pure gays or pure straights. Our sexuality is
somewhere in the spectrum between a pure gay and a
pure straight. 94% of the guys lie in this spectrum.
The balance % are at the extremes. We often follow
the herd mentality in the gay community and label
ourselves as gays though we may not be pure gays. May
be I ll share my orientation with my wife when there
is a greater maturity in understanding such sexual
orientations or I may choose not to share at all. Over
a period of time I have also got disillusioned with
the gay environment. Thereâs a tremendous absence of
genuineness and sincerity among most of the guys I
met, which was surprising since we expect at least
guys from the same community to understand each other.
This I am not talking of any particular category of
guys in the community. I find it everywhere, whether
he be from the chat room, a part animal or even a guy
with a profile in gay sites, whether he is qualified
with a responsible position in his organization or a
guy with a business back ground or a call center guy.
Itâs true that my urge often takes me to meet this
guys, either in parties or through the net. But when I
sit and contemplate about the futility my experiences,
I pray to God to give me the will to get out of this.
__________________________________
Start your day with Yahoo! - Make it your home page!
http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs
------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
Help save the life of a child. Support St. Jude Children's Research Hospital.
http://us.click.yahoo.com/cRr2eB/lbOLAA/E2hLAA/WfTolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->
Group Site:
http://www.gaybombay.info
==========================
This message was posted to the gay_bombay Yahoo! Group. Responses to messages
(by clicking "Reply") will also be posted on the eGroup and sent to all
members. If you'd like to respond privately to the author of any message then
please compose and send a new email message to the author's email address.
Post:- gay_bombay@yahoogroups.com
Subscribe:- [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Digest Mode:- [EMAIL PROTECTED]
No Mail Mode:- [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Individual Mail Mode:- [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Contact Us:- [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Archives are at
http://www.mail-archive.com/gay_bombay%40yahoogroups.com/maillist.html
Classifieds for personal advertisements are back on www.gaybombay.info
site. Please exercise restraint in the language of your personal
advertisement.
Yahoo! Groups Links
<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gay_bombay/
<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[EMAIL PROTECTED]
<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
