Wow umang... you've inspired me... my parents are quite "modern" but i have never had gathered the guts to come out to them... as the years have gone by i am now comtemplating that they will be cool with it if i do tell them!!! .... you've just pushed me one step further.... thanks!!! Love Nitin
--- Jyotirbikash Bhattacharya <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: > Thank You. There is nothing much I can say about > your 'dream come true'. It's truly wonderful. So, I > thank you from the very core of my heart. And I wish > you a very happy and prosperous life. > Thanks again Umang. > > With > love......................................................... > > Moderator <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: > Coming Out To Mom by Umang > Gosh! I wanted to tell this to my mom so badly. > My god! today these words come out so easily and a > few years back it seemed so impossible. I have > visualized telling this to my mom and her reactions > - over hundred times in my mind. And I really > underestimated her. Because I had solid reasons for > that. My mom is a very conventional middle class > Gujarati women. Who hardly speaks a few words in > English and understands little bit. She has just > passed SSC. She has never read a magazine or a > newspaper as far as I know. But she loves to watch > TV. She has a few friends and a very limited > exposure to the outside world. Family is everything > to her. And that's not all. Everyday is a challenge > for her. She is schizophrenic and has glaucoma. > Which means her I Q is less than average and can > only see with one eye - only 20%. > I came out 5 yrs back to my brother, Uncle, Aunt, > two cousins. And my dad (indirectly - my aunt and > uncle spilled the beans). They took me to a shrink > who advised that nothing could be done if I > willingly don't want to change. So my close family > (except my mom and grandpa) no longer asked me to > get married. Well occasionally they would get > jhatkas (u try with a girl, after marriage > everything will be okay, look at your mom and for > her get married, blah, blah.). But that was out of > love and concern and it didn't bother me. What > bothered me really was the fact that my mom wasn't > aware of my sexuality. Others knew but my own mom > was ignorant. It really hurt me -because her > ultimate dream is marrying me to a girl. Day and > night she talked about my marriage. I guess she > never sang a lullaby it was always a wedding lore. > So occasionally I would pretend to read the > newspaper and give her the news: two guys got > married in New York. Two girls are in love in Delhi > etc. And she > would laugh it out. (I was preparing her for the > ultimate shock) > > My biggest fear was that my mom will get a big > shock and go into depression - if I came out to her. > . And God forbid, if something happens to her I > would be responsible. My family would grill me down. > I was advised not to come out to my mom - > considering her physical and mental condition. It > was a battle between fact and dream. The facts hit > me in the face: mom is schizophrenic, has glaucoma, > will never understand me. She may get a mental > attack or shock. She may cry for years and blame > herself. She may also go into a major depression, > which could be serious. HOWEVER I also have a > burning desire and a beautiful dream. Dream to get > married to a guy. A grand wedding where my mom can > fulfil all her dreams and wishes she expects from my > straight wedding. She could dance, jump and sing her > entire quota of wedding lore. There will be the > usual hangama of a guju wedding. EVERYTHING WILL AS > PER HER DESIRE, ONLY DIFFERENCE: THERE WOULD BE TWO > GROOMS INSTEAD. > > So I had a choice to decide between fact and > dream. I had an option to never come out to my mom > and kill my dreams or to come out to her and face > the consequences. I decided to go for the latter. > And I am so glad I did that. One evening, knowing > that relatives at dinner will raise my marriage > issue, I don't know why but I told her those dreaded > words: Mummy mani chokriyo nathi gumti. I don't like > girls. I like boys. I am attracted to guys. > Initially she thought I was joking and later she > said it's all hogwash. Something like that is not > possible. I said I was dead serious. She refused to > discuss the topic with me. She advised I should meet > her shrink. I readily agreed. In the next fortnight > she told me twice to visit the shrink. Third time > when she insisted I understood that my mom was > serious about the visit. My friends advised I should > check with the shrink weather he is pro or anti gay. > For me the most important matter was that my mom > trusts him and is very comfortable > with him. > > I did not care weather he's pro or anti. It was a > big risk but I was prepared for it. Driving to the > clinic I was very nervous: What if the shrink > happens to be a quack and recommends therapy. What > if he claims he could "cure" me? My mom would > innocently believe him and make my life a hell - > hoping that I could be changed with the shrink's > "treatment". The first thing the shrink asked me was > why I came out to my mom. And I replied I wanted to > get married to a guy (God only knows where the guy > is going to come from) and I wanted my mom to be > present. The shrink turned out to be really > professional (thank god). He explained that there > are guys and girls like me who are attracted to the > same sex and not to the opposite sex. It's > completely natural and nobody's fault. Further, he > added that when he was pursuing medicine he came > across many peers like me. He explained I wouldn't > be able to sexually perform with the opposite sex > and if got married would end up in a divorce. He > explained that we don't have any right to spoil a > girl's life. IF married I would be unhappy and > therefore everybody else. So the best thing is to > leave me alone. If she forced me than I would end up > torturing myself. So she was to please leave Umang > alone. > > Further he explained to her that at least I came > out to her and that proved I was a responsible son. > Besides my sexual preference, everything else was > fine - I didn't have any vices. There were cases > where a girl felt she was trapped in a man's body > and vice-versa. They wanted to have a sex change and > were physically assaulting themselves. Fortunately I > didn't feel that way. He actually said the words: > ACCEPT HIM. MY mom only had three questions after > his explanation: Q1) How can we change him? Doc: > Only god can change him Q2) When I am no more who > will take care of him? Doc: His to-be male spouse > Q3) If he gets married and brings home a guy what > will people think? Doc: Don't worry he will live > separately After that there were no questions or > queries. A long discussion on what will people would > think followed. The Dr told her the popular parable > of the donkey, old man and boy. Doctor and MOM > discussed spirituality, karma and Bhagwat Gita. > > Back home there were no tantrums. No sadhu or > family doctor. No emotional blackmail. However on > the same day when I was dancing at Mikanos she was > crying buckets. She told me about it later on the > way to temple when I asked if she would now ever ask > me to get married. She said no and also won't bother > about what people say. The other day I mustered the > courage to tell her to find a guy for me - she > laughed. Next I asked her to check if the brother of > the girl whose proposal has come wants to marry me. > She smiled again. Today I feel so relived. I don't > have to lie. I can be myself with her. Yesterday I > told her I am going to watch a gay movie and meet > people like me. When I reached home the first thing > she asked me how was the movie. I thought I was > hearing things so I kept quiet. After some time she > again inquired about the movie and I was so > thrilled. In her own way she said it all; I have > accepted you. I really underestimated my mom. I have > met a few moms of > homosexuals and had this notion that only modern, > well read, well-educated women would accept their > children. MY mom broke my notion. Today I look back > and believe that whatever has happened because I > focused on my dreams rather than the facts. At GB > meets I joked about my mom finding a guy for me. I > ignored the facts and spoke about the dreams: IF YOU > HAVE A DREAM THE FACTS DON'T COUNT. I know my coming > out story is not unique but for me it's a dream come > true. Today for me my mom is a hero. She has changed > my world and now it is time to give her the world. > Once I had told her that except a daughter-in-law I > will give you everything. Now it's the time to > fulfil that promise. Because She is a mom who killed > her dreams to keep mine alive. Love Umang. > > > > http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gay_bombay > http://groups.google.com/group/Gaybombay > Website: www.gaybombay.in > Email: [EMAIL PROTECTED] > > > > > > > > > > Jyotirbikash > > --------------------------------- > Take the Internet to Go: Yahoo!Go puts the Internet > in your pocket: mail, news, photos & more. 5, 50, 500, 5000. Store N number of mails in your inbox. Go to http://help.yahoo.com/l/in/yahoo/mail/yahoomail/tools/tools-08.html
