This time next Sunday the Gaybombay Parents meet will be going on. I've lost
count of which number this is - maybe the 6th or 7th time we're having it.
Whatever the numbers its easily one of the most amazing GB events and I would
really urge everyone who can to attend it - with or without parents!
Sadly, I won't be able to attend it myself this year, but as a tribute of
sorts I'd like to post two things
The first is a link to this really moving letter from a father to his son.
Joel Derfner's Search for Love in Manhattan blog isn't normally this serious,
but this letter really packs a punch:
http://www.joelderfner.com/blog/2003/02/after_writing_yesterdays_post.html
And on a lighter note, my column from the current issue of TimeOut Mumbai. I
don't normally post it online when its still on the stands (buy the magazine!),
but I'm doing so since the Parents meet is this week and this is about a little
discussed aspect of the parent and gay child relationship - the different sorts
of saas-bahu problems it throws up!
Queer I Tu Tu Men Men
Ally Gator, TimeOut Mumbai
My friend C has a wonderfully supportive mother. She doesnt bat an eyelid when
he brings boyfriends home for the night, only asking them next morning what
they want for breakfast. C says that their reactions to this offer can be
dramatic: Most of them get freaked out, leave at once and are never seen
again. But those that stay fall in love with my mother. C tells me, with some
exasperation, that there are ex-boyfriends he has long broken with, but who
still call his mother, asking her advice or wanting to take her out shopping.
This could be seen as proof of how Indian men, gay or straight, are all
obsessed with mothers. So if their own mothers are less than supportive they
desperately look for other mother figures to latch on to. The Gaybombay group
has meetings for gay men and their parents which are hugely attended,
particularly by gay men who arent out or who dont have the support of their
mothers. So they some to the meet and latch on to the mothers who do come,
perhaps seeking from them the maternal solace they cant get at home.
Where this gets complicated is when mothers meet the boyfriends of their sons,
the one twist on Saas-Bahu relations sadly unlikely ever to be featured by
Ektaa Kapoor. Quite often, of course, the relations are as bad as the worst
that any K-serial gets, with the saas fury against the man who lead her beta
astray combining with queasiness about what they actually do in bed (Just
try not to think about the arse thing, one mother of a gay son advises another
in the wonderful British serial Queer As Folk).
Yet, surprisingly often, saas and boyfriend hit it off well. Partly, I think,
his being male helps since she knows that at least her status as Most Important
Woman in her sons heart is secure. Sometimes she finds in him traits that are
missing from her son. Worse, sometimes they team up against the son! One of my
friends mothers was so charmed by the boyfriend that she promptly changed her
line on his leading her son astray. Its you, you wretch, who must have
corrupted him, she hissed at her son. Mostly though mothers prefer to convey
their sentiments indirectly, through gifts. A friends mother, who has never
really discussed his sexuality, recently called to say that she was sending His
n His towels for his boyfriend and him, so what colour would they like them
in?
My own boyfriend and my mother fall somewhere midpoint on the Saas-Boyfriend
Support Scale. Theyve met and liked each other, but arent too comfortable
with each other either. The problem I realise is that theyre both rather
alike: very intelligent, charismatic prima donnas, who love traveling and some
turmoil in their life. Which leads me to a dismaying realization: have I really
done that most stereotyped Indian male thing, falling for a man who could be
his mother?!
ends
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