OK, what do I know, maybe Teen Vogue always has deep insightful articles. But this one on the fashion for Gay Best Friends (GBFs) is quite good because unlike many other fluff mags, instead of just saying a GBF is a must have accessory, as if the GBF himself was not a person in his own right, this piece points to the stupidity of thinking that way, and suggests a good reason why the relationship works for the girls - in the competitiveness of teenage girls, which doesn't apply with a GBF (well, unless they're chasing the same guy). And it very clearly says that the GBF thing can't be a one way street, but involves love and support for the GBF too.
Here's the link, and also a column I'd written on the same subjectL http://www.teenvogue.com/connect/blogs/soundoff/2010/07/gbf-gay-best-friend.html Queer I GBFs Ally Gator, Mumbai, 9/9/2009 There's a boy and girl I see at Gaybombay parties. They're not in the wrong place because he's obviously gay, and also her best friend, which is why she's there with him. They're an attractive pair, probably in their early twenties; he's tall, fresh-faced and cute, she's short and pretty. It is also quite clear she's besotted with him. You can see this, almost painfully, in how she looks up at him as they dance. And for all that she's frequently heard telling people how cool gay parties are, how straight women can dance and not get assaulted, you can tell she feels a threat in the inquiring looks that hot guys are giving him. He's clearly a nice guy, because he does take care of her, dances with her and takes her home at the end. But he's getting more interested in those inquiring looks, and soon I wouldn't be surprised to find him at the party alone. If that happens it would illustrate why the current fashion for Gay Best Friends (GBFs) is so dubious. There's nothing wrong, of course, in having best friends who are gay, but I'm talking about straight women who seek them out because they are gay. It's unnerving how some women, on learning that you're gay, suddenly become alarmingly intimate and even possessive. "You're going to be my GBF," they'll tell you firmly, apparently not leaving you any option in the matter. With gay men increasingly visible now, it seems like they want one of their own to match their latest luxury bag and stilettos (ideally, the gay man comes first to give advice on the next two). This is not quite the same as being fag-hags. As Thomas Rogers recently pointed out on Salon.com, the fag hag was usually a woman marginalised for being too fat, too loud or just not fitting desirable norms for feminity. She got together with equally marginalised gay men for support, and from this practical relationship something of real value was born. Fag hags and gay men supported each other, emotionally, practically (acting as girl-friend/boy-friend when suitable cover was needed) and politically (it was notable how many women came to support their gay friends at the recent Pride marches). The GBF-seekers though are nothing like that. They fill all the socially approved boxes for feminity (in fact, the point is they make having a GBF another box to tick off), and the relationship tends to be one-sided. There is one variation where both sides use each other, and that's with women from traditional Indian business families. They're too sophisticated to be in purdah, yet their community ethos still raises eyebrows at friendships with men outside the family. The alternatives for them are then endless kitty parties or GBFs, whose sexuality is acceptable to the families in this context (woe betide if one of their own sons is gay). The GBFs are usually designers or artists for whom the women become patrons, so it simply makes commercial sense. Apart from this though I'm not sure what gay men get from being GBFs. The GBF-seekers rarely have any real interest in their lives, and are often positively hostile to the men's existing or potential boyfriends (unless they are both cute enough and are adopted as a pair). The truth is that many of the women have been neglected or damaged by straight men and are looking for a safe alternative. The GBF is a man, but brings no complications of sex, and from watching Will & Grace they think they'll have all the same interests in clothes and culture but who won't become competitive either as can happen with women friends. Sometimes this works for some equally emotionally damaged gay men. Gay dating isn't easy, and there are times when having their heart broken too often, or being rejected for being too old, too unfit or too effeminate (women being less prejudiced than some gay men on this), they find it easy to relax into the companionship of being a GBF. The problem is this short term solace doesn't make for a healthy long term relationship. There is never quite a parity of feelings, and this leads to anxiety about who's going to find a man first. At the GB party it's that girl who's anxious, but the boy is also at risk of eventually being dumped. The real trouble happens when they disregard this and get married. On the surface it seems ideal: you're friends, you know the score, so why not just switch from being GBF to gay husband. A friend of mine did just that with his best friend from college, to forestall the marriage pressures they were both facing. But after marriage he wanted to keep partying, while her expectations changed. Despite what she'd thought earlier she now wanted a conventional husband and kid, and her gay husband was not likely to provide either. The marriage ended really messily and unhappily all around, a warning to anyone who wants to take being a GBF too far. Ends
