Goanet next meets in Goa: January 7, 4 pm (meeting point: Kala Academy canteen). Goanet founder Herman Carneiro will be there. See you there! ------------------------------
Goan for the Jocular by Cecil Pinto -------------------
Today is the 2nd of January. What's special about this day you ask? Well in addition to being the day for curing of hangovers of yesterday's hangover cures, it also happens to be the day when most New Year Resolutions are broken. Today is the day when smokers, drinkers, procrastinators and other habitual offenders, will know for sure if they can carry their resolutions through.
I remember a particularly traumatic 2nd of January in 1995. My girlfriend of the time, and current wife, had promised me certain (unmentionable in a family paper such as this!) favours if I could give up smoking. I decided to give it a sincere try - and I definitely had an enticing incentive! So at the Grand New Year Eve Ball at Emerald Lawns at Parra (we were never the five star type) I finished smoking my last cigarette and dramatically crushed the empty packet and threw it in the air (this was in the pre-Sanjit Rodrigues era, when garbage cans were relatively unheard of). Technically speaking we were already into the New Year as it was already 6 a.m. at the time (this was in the pre-Madhya Pradesh Sound Act days, when dances got over at dawn).
I turned to my present spouse, and steady date at that time, and proclaimed my undying love for her and loudly hinted to everyone at our table (Rs. 200/- per table plus 4 chairs - additional chair Rs. 50/-) and a few surrounding tables, about what incentives had been offered. My love at that time, and current mother of my children, just smiled sheepishly and promptly went back to sleep with her head on the table. She had taken the 'unlimited wine' offer a bit too seriously. I grabbed the opportunity to have one last swig of Rum & Coke and thanked my stars that I had not agreed to give up the cup that cheers.
1st January morning passed off relatively incident free. Beatrice, my current lifemate, and partner at that time, was at my side all through the day at my parents' home in Aldona. With little apple slices and peeled oranges and diced carrots and all sorts of distractions for my oral fixation. And yes there was passionate kissing too. An extended afternoon siesta, to make up for lack of sleep the previous night, and by evening it was time for Beatrice Pinto, D'Costa at that time, to go home. My parents are pretty open minded but not that liberal. We said our goodbyes and Bitu, Dahling at that time, reminded me that she had stacked the fridge with enough fruits to make salad for an entire army. She also reminded me of the 'incentives'. I demanded immediate resolution. She just winked suggestively and walked away.
I watched TV alone that night and was starting on my second drink when the nicotine craving kicked in. Fortunately I had not kept any cigarettes at home. I managed to distract myself with rapid channel surfing and gobbled enough carrot pieces to put Bugs Bunny to shame. Read an entire novel from cover to cover before I fell off to sleep exhausted and nicotine deprived at 2.30 a.m. Next morning the enormity, and magnanimity, of my decision hit me. I couldn't possibly perform my morning absolutions without simultaneously puffing at a cigarette. Rummaged through the cupboard and found an old packet of Marlboros that Kuwait based Christo, my to-be-brother-in-law at that time, had given me a year back and I had left unopened. They were probably already two years old at the time he gave them to me. Opened the packet to find some green fungus covered cylindrical objects that once were cigarettes. I lit up one of these and went to the toilet. The cigarette was stale and putrid and vile... and necessary for health reasons. Between couging and gasping it worked and I was relieved in more ways than one. Since I had been unfaithful anyway, immediately afterwards, I shot off to the nearest gaddo and purchases some decent cigarettes.
When I got back home the phone was ringing. It was Beatrice. An admittance of failure. 2nd of January. I hate this day!!
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The humour column above appeared in Goa Plus, the Friday Magazine section of The Times of India, on 2nd January 2004.
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