When a man and woman get married, they become “ghov” (husband) and “bhail” (wife.) As children, whenever friends called out our names while we played, we would answer: “OV,” and they would immediately say: “Tuje maincho ghov” (your mother’s husband.)
The marriage comes with a package of new relationships. The “novro” (groom) becomes a “zanvuim” (son-in-law) to the “sasumaim” (mother-in-law.) The “okol” (bride) becomes a “sun” (daughter-in-law) to the “sasupai vo manv” (father-in-law.) While a “sun” and “sasupai” usually share good relationship, the same cannot be said about a “sun” and “sasumaim” as the former mostly governs the latter and sometimes vice-versa. No wonder, they say: “Ek temp maincho ani ek temp sunencho.” Roughly translated it means each dog has its day. When a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law do not get along well, and if the former was known to be a tyrant, the neighbors/villagers say: “Sun atam sasumaincher ghalta un” (daughter-in-law now pours hot water on her mother-in-law.) Sometimes, when a “sun” gets involved in extra marital affairs and the in-laws are unaware of the fact, the neighbors/villagers say: “Ghoran nokllo maim-manv, bhair zanna sogllo ganv.” (the in-laws are in the dark at home but the whole village knows what’s going on!)
The new relationship between a groom’s and bride’s parents results into an“yei” (husband’s/wife’s father-in-laws) and “yenn” (husband’s/wife’s mother-in-laws,) and it extends to “fagurmanv” (father-in-law's brother) and “fagurmaim” (mother-in-law's sister.) In the past, whenever a father-in-law/mother-in-law passed away, the “fagurmanv/fagurmaim” took over their duties and they were accorded the same respect as that of the deceased. Those daughter-in-laws who refused to accept their “fagurmanv/fagurmaim” would say: “Tum mozo fagurmanv/fagurmaim zanvunk tozvit korinaka” (Don’t you try to be my fagurmanv/fagurmaim!)
They say: “kazar zalea uprant, dogam aslelim rokddinch tegam zatat” (once you get married, from two you soon become a family of three members) [twins, triplets, quadruplets, quintuplets, etc., are exceptional cases.] The new third member of the family is called a “ballok” (baby.) Once the baby is born, husband and wife become “bapui ani avoi” (mother and father – parents.) The parents choose a name and christen the child. They also choose a “podon” (godfather) and “modon” (godmother) from among their family members or friend’s circle. Thus, the child becomes “filiad” (godchild) to godfather and godmother. In the olden days, paternal grandfather’s/grandmother’s first name was given to a grandchild followed by godfather’s/godmother’s name, and the day’s saint’s name; hence, most old names comprise of at least three names plus a surname. Not everyone is fortunate to have children and become parents. Those who are childless, go for a “posko” (adopted son) or “poskem” (adopted daughter) and become “posko-bapui” (adopted father) and “poski-avoi” (adopted mother.)
The child grows up into a “cheddo” (boy) or “cheddum” (girl,) finishes his/her education, gets employed and one fine day he/she too decides to get married. Nowadays, the newly married couple plans lenghty honeymoon trips away from home, take things slowly and delay child’s birth. In the olden days, the honeymoon was celebrated at home in a corner of a room on a “xendri/mandri” (grass/bamboo mat.) The newly married couple then did not waste time but immediately went for a child. As a matter of fact, within a month the bride would bear good tidings to the whole family and give birth to a son/daughter. Most fathers desire to have a “put” (son) and mothers wish to have a “dhuv” (daughter.) Whenever a son/daughter was born, the elderly women would play with him/her and sing: “Alle-le-le-le-le, kiteak roddta amcho babulo/bai? Tuka “bhav”/”bhoinn” (brother/sister) khellonk zai kitem? Roddonaka, maim fuddle vorsa haddteli. (Alle-le-le-le-le, why are you crying baby? Do you need a brother/sister to play with? Don’t cry! Your mother will get you one next year.) Thus, within a year a second child, brother or sister, would be born. An elderly sister was known as “mana” e.g., “vhoddlem mana” (elder sister,) “dakttem mana” (younger sister,) etc. Once the production began, there was no end to it. In the olden days, parents’ tendency was to have as many children as they could produce so that they would have an army of children to support them in their old age, but times have changed now. The rule of the day is: “Ami dogam, amchim burgim dogam” (We two, our children two!)
The eldest son in a family is known as “malgoddo put.” He is the one who usually takes over responsibilities from his father after his death. If a boy is born after three consecutive girls, he is known as a “tiklo,” and if a girl is born after three consecutive boys, she is known as a “tiklem.” While it is not a big deal to have a “tiklo,” a “tiklem” was considered bad luck to the whole family. It was almost impossible in yester years to get a proposal for a “tiklem.” This being the case, mostly a “tiklem” ended up living a spinster’s life, as nobody would accept her as a daughter-in-law. Having no other recourse, a spinster would become a “beatin” (pious maid,) and this is how in the past we had many “beatinim” in Goa. Do you remember the following line from famous Dekhnni/Dulpod: “Dogi-tegi beatinim eileo kumsarak….” But times have changed; hardly anyone believes in superstition now. Speaking of superstition, my house is located at a “tixem” (a place where three roads meet in the form of a ‘T’.) A “tixem” was believed to be a superstitious place where all sorts of evil events took place. As a child, I remember many people brought and left their kittens at the “tixear!”
To have many daughters in a family was a big burden in the past because of the dowry system. Whenever quarrels/fights took place between neighbors, women would curse their counterparts’ husbands thus: “Tujem borem zainaka; tumger sat (7) cheddvam zanv” (May you be cursed; may you have seven girls!) because it would then be almost impossible for him to arrange dowry for so many girls – result: They would remain spinsters!
There is one thing that we cannot stop – TIME – it flies like anything. This being the case, yesterday’s child becomes today’s adult - father/mother, grandfather/grandmother and so on. Thus, son/daughter gives birth to a “nathu” (grandson) or a “nath” (granddaughter) and he/she becomes a proud grandfather/grandmother of “nathram” (grandchildren) and they in turn give birth to a “ponttu” (great grandson) or “pontti” (great granddaughter) and have many more “pontturam” (great grandchildren.) In the olden days, many grandparents and great grandparents lived to witness marriages of their “nath-sun” (grandson’s wife,) “nath-zanvuim” (granddaughter’s husband,) “ponttu-sun” (great grandson’s wife,) and “pontti-zanvuim” (great granddaughter’s husband.) These days, life is very short. If you get to see your grandchildren, that is a great achievement!
Once you have a family, it keeps on increasing by leaps and bounds; it’s kind of a competition. Family production line continues with brother’s wife giving birth to a “putovnno” (brother’s son) followed by a “dhuvddi” (brother’s daughter.) The sister follows suit and gives birth to a “bhacho” (sister’s son) and bhachi (sister’s daughter.)
“Mama” (mother’s brother) is a very important relationship in a family. He plays a vital role with his sister’s children right from the moment they are born until they get married and even afterwards. When a “bhachi” gets married, a “mama” has to invite her to his house for lunch, present her with a “saddo” (a red dress), and place a “konvchechea kanknancho chuddo” (a set of colored glass bangles) in her arms. In the past, going to “mamager” (uncle’s place) was one of the most exciting things to happen because we got the best treatment there. How can we forget those good old days when we went to “mamager” to spend our summer holidays where our “mami” (mother’s brother’s wife) looked after us as best as she could? During lunch/dinner she would say: “Jev baba jev, veginch vhoddlo zavunk zai” (Keep eating baba, you must grow up fast.) Obviously, holidays were better fun if “mavxi vo maxan” (mother’s sister) lived closed by because then we would get the company of “mavso-bhau” (mother's sister's son) or “mavxi-bhoinn” (mother's sister's daughter.)
The next important family member is “titiu” (father's brother.) Nowadays, whether it is a “mama” or “titiu” everyone calls him an uncle. However, there are still some kids out there who are taught old manners and they greet their relatives in appropriate Goan way. A “titiu” is like a father figure in a family. In the past, if a child’s father passed away, he would take over his brother’s family and look after his child/children as if his own. This rarely happens these days. The “timaim” (father’s brother’s wife) demands a lot of respect in the family, especially at main family functions like engagement, weddings, etc. An elderly man and woman are also generally known as “titiu” and “timaim” respectively.
Next, how can we forget “akoi vo kaku” (father’s sister) and “kakapai” (father’s sister’s husband?) They are as important as “mavxi” ani “mavxecho ghov” (mother’s sister’s husband.) During our childhood, we spent our holidays either “mamager” (at mother’s brother’s) or “kakapaiger” (at father’s sister’s.)
A “dher” (husband’s brother) plays a vital role in a family, especially an elder one and so does an elder “voni” (brother’s wife) who is always required to perform family rights and give the lead at functions. Often, a “dher” and a “voni” share very close relationship which is why they say: “Dher-ak sodanch mog voniecho” (husband’s brother always has a soft corner for his brother’s wife.) By the same token, a “dher” and “voni” can sometimes be deadly enemies - reason: Property disputes and jealousy over wealth. A “nonondd” (husband’s sister) mostly plays a mild role in a family and usually serves as a good partner to her “voni,” but sometimes their relationship too turns out to be thorny, especially if the “nononnd” is a spinster, because she refuses to accept her “voni” as the new commander of the house, thus creating a rift between the two.
The one relationship that mostly does not go well is that of a “zav” (husband’s brother’s wife.) Every woman would like her husband to do better than his other brother(s.) This obviously creates jealousy which leads to competition, quarrels/fights and animosity. This is exactly why they say: “Zav-zavek poddonam” (Husband’s brother’s wives do not get along well.)
A “mevnni” (wife’s sister) is very much liked by her “cunhad vo bhavoji” (sister’s husband.) Here again, these two new family members mostly share a close relationship, which sometimes results in a tension to the elder/younger sister.
A “mevnno” (wife’s brother) always maintains good relationship with his “cunhad” and all of his relatives. Like a girl’s parents, her brother too wishes that his “cunhad vo bhavoji” treat his sister with honor and dignity and provide her with all comforts of life. In the past, a brother would express these feelings at a “portovnnem” (the ritual that precedes second day’s function at bride’s place.) by singing the following lines in the form of a dulpod:
“Manang mojea sontri lavn, sontri lavn, vhor cunhada Manang mojea savllechean, savllechean, vhor cunhada.”
In the first line, a brother requests his “cunhad” to use an umbrella (do you remember “tambddi xedachi/molmolachi sontri” [red silk umbrella?]) while transporting his sister to his house. This signifies dignity and honor. In the second line, he asks him not to expose his sister to sun and heat but to carry her through shade which means that he would like his brother-in-law to make his sister’s life as comfortable as possible.
The “saddu” (wife’s sister’s husband) relationship is usually neutral unless there is a tug of war between the two due to wealth, status, etc. In such a case, if anyone asks: “Arre Forsu, tuzo saddu kosso assa?” (Hey Francis, how is your wife’s sister’s husband,) the well-to-do ‘saddu” replies sarcastically: “Mozo saddu atam marta zaddu.” (My “saddu” now sweeps the floor!) If the public knows of the rift between the two, they comment: “Dogui saddu atam zaleat koddu.” (Both brother-in-laws have now turned bitter.)
Children like to be related to each other. In the past, children from large families moved in groups of their own. They mainly consisted of “bapul-bhav” (father’s brother’s son,) “bapul-bhoinn” (father’s brother’s daughter,) bhacho, bhachi, mavso-bhav, mavsi-bhoinn, etc. Their unity was such that they would publicly vouch for each other. In case of a quarrel/fight, they would support each other and say: “Tum taka hath lainaka, to mozo/mojem bapul-bhav/bapul-bhoinn, mavso-bhav/mavxi-bhoinn, etc!” (Don’t touch him; he/she is my first cousin brother/sister.)
If a child’s father has more than one brother, they are known as: “Vhoddlo pai” (father’s eldest brother,) “daktto vo modlo pai” (father’s second brother,) “tipai” (father’s third brother,) etc. Their wives are known as “vhoddli maim” (father’s eldest brother’s wife,) “daktti maim” (father’s second brother’s wife) and “timaim” (father’s third brother’s wife.) The “vhoddlo pai” who enjoys the status of main head of the family is well respected by all the family members as well as neighbors, and, if he happens to be the eldest person in the ward, he goes on to become the “vhoddil” (chief) of the ward, but not in the present times when everyone thinks and considers himself a chief!
Once children are born, before parents realize, they become “xapai” (grandfather,) “xamaim” (grandmother) - “xapai-xamaim” (grandparents) – “azo” (great grandfather) and “aji” (great grandmother.) The moment a son’s wife gives birth to a baby boy, “ghorapai” (paternal grandfather) jumps with joy, rushes out of the house with a matchbox and lights three packets of crackers – a signal for everyone to know that an heir is born in his house. The joys of “ghoramaim” (paternal grandmother) knows no bounds; “ti gagro fuloun vo kapodd voir uklun nachot ravta” (she keeps on dancing with her skirt flying up in the air or with a folded sari!) If it is the first child, “mam-pai” (maternal grandfather) and “mam-maim” (maternal grandmother) are the first ones to know about the child’s birth because as per the Goan custom, a daughter is brought at her mother’s for the first delivery.
In the olden days, marriages were taken seriously and they lasted to the sworn words - “till death do us part!” Since the Catholic Church does not recognize divorce, a person could re-marry only when one of the partners passed away. Thus, a “sovthin” (second wife) would be brought into a house. If a husband had any children by his previous wife, she would become a “sovtheli avoi” (step-mother) to his children, and if he married a widow with children, he would become their “sovthelo bapui” (step-father.) A step-son is known as “sovtho-put" and a step-daughter as “sovthi-dhuv.”
That’s all for now from Dom’s antique shelf!
Moi-mogan, Domnic Fernandes Anjuna/Dhahan, KSA
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