------------------------------------------------------------------------ * G * O * A * N * E * T **** C * L * A * S * S * I * F * I * E * D * S * ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Enjoy your holiday in Goa. Stay at THE GARCA BRANCA from November to May There is no better, value for money, guest house. Confirm your bookings early or miss-out
Visit http://www.garcabranca.com for details/booking/confirmation. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Slim & Sexy, the Sauna Belt way Filled with desire, my paunch on fire! By Cecil Pinto 'Girl, I wanna make you sweat, Sweat till you can't sweat no more. Then I'll put off the fan, And you will sweat some more!' - Outer Circle Last Saturday my wife Beatrice gifted me a Super Sauna Slimming Belt. Ok! Ok! Stop chuckling. A bit of background first. In our family very often gifts are bestowed which are of more use to the 'gifter' than the 'giftee'. For example in the last three years I have gifted my wife a complete toolkit with drill, a 4 GB Flash USB drive, a multiple memory card reader and a nifty device for checking, adjusting and cleaning motorcycle sparkplugs. She in turn has presented me with a pressure cooker, a chappati maker, two books on flower arrangement and assorted karaoke CDs - with lyric booklets. I hope you're getting the idea. Back to 'my' new belt. So there I am seated on my favorite armchair, my critical TV viewing of America's Next Top Model interrupted, and thrust into my hands was a sealed box-packed Super Sauna Slimming Belt, as seen on TV - but purchased from our regular door-to-door salesman. This friendly persuasive guy has palmed off on my wife more discounted Chinese gizmos and sundry household necessities than I can begin to enumerate. Beatrice waited, seemingly expectantly, for me to open the box while the boys too paused their normal racket to see what this latest device was all about. I admired the fancy printing on the box specially the sexy blonde, with a barely clad figure to kill for, achieved no doubt by regular use of the Super Sauna Slimming Belt. My eyes might have lingered longer than usual because the wife interrupted, "C'mon, c'mon you lecher. Get on with it. Just open the bloody box!" Now just to show that I was genuinely interested in every aspect of product packaging, and not just voluptuous models, I turned the box over and examined the reverse minutely. There were iconic flags of eight major countries below each was the translation of 'Instant Weight & Measurement Loss! Your own personal sauna to use in the comfort of home. Sweat away unwanted body fat fast. Ideal for the abdomen, waist, hips, back, buns and thighs. Lose at least 2 cm in minutes. Set includes Sauna Belt, Instruction Manual, 7 Day Diet Plan, Tape Measure.' My detailed inspection could not locate anywhere the place of manufacture, maximum retail price, voltage setting - or the model's phone number. No sooner I opened the box my wife grabbed the belt while I rummaged for the Instruction Manual. If there's any reading material that provides me with more tear inducing laughter than matrimonial advertisements it is instruction manuals for cheap Chinese products. 'Please note that this belt has been used by professional athletes and sportsmen', I read out loudly, glad to be in such exalted company and hoping they had washed it well after using and before dispatching to me. I glanced up to see that my wife already had the sauna belt around her waist. She had plugged it into the wall socket and was already adjusting temperature to 'full steam ahead'. "Hello?", I cautioned her, "That's a heating device. You could be risking electrocution by using it without reading the manual". She replied, "I already read the manual". At this moment I began to suspect that (a) I was not the first to break the seal of this gift (b) I was not the person for whose use this gift had been purchased (c) My physical appearance, read paunch, was not the primary concern of this person standing in front of me. Her own physical appearance was! Keep in mind now that my armchair is placed for optimal TV viewing and also happens to be next to the wall which has the only other plug point in the room. The Super Sauna Slimming Belt has an electrical cord which is less than a meter in length. This means the wearer, in this case my wife, has to stand close to the electrical point in the wall. "Why don't you get a bloody extension cord and sit somewhere instead of standing here and blocking my view of the TV?". She replied, "For best burning of calories use belt while standing instead of seated or sleeping". Not only had my wife read the manual, she had memorised it! "Do not expose product to rain", I read. Sure, I think to myself. How exactly is one supposed to go outdoors and dance in the rain, with just a one meter cord supplied, is beyond my comprehension. As I guffawed my way through the ridiculous instructions in the manual, with my wife literally steaming away in front of me, I wondered what it was that made people think they could achieve phenomenal results in physical appearance without diet, exercise, or major plastic surgery. No pain - no gain. Anyway, here's hoping for the best. In a few weeks from now if you see me zooming around on my bike with a slim sexy woman clinging to me don't have suspicious thoughts. That's no fashion model, that's my wife!! Unplugged! On the other hand if you see my wife on a bike with a slim handsome rich-looking guy with washboard abs, it's probably that dastardly door-to-door salesman! ----------- The humour column above appeared in Gomantak Times dated 21st September 2006 ====== _______________________________________________ Goanet mailing list Goanet@lists.goanet.org http://lists.goanet.org/listinfo.cgi/goanet-goanet.org