Proof of Goanness
Different tests for different British folks
By Cecil Pinto
This week I interview researcher, lecturer,
writer and engineer, Jose Lourenco, who has been
appointed by the Government of Goa to design
various levels of "Goanness Tests" for UK citizens wishing to settle in Goa.
Cecil: Tell me Jose, all these years the only
criteria for UK citizens to buy land here was
that they had to live here for a contiguous
period of 182 days. What's with these Goanness Tests?
Jose: In November this year the UK Government
made it compulsory for migrants seeking
'settlement', which is a precursor to
nationality, to pass a test of 'Britishness'. In
addition to testing English language skills the
tests checked on knowledge of British culture and traditions.
Cecil: You mean about pubs, pints, fish & chips?
Jose: Something like that. Here are some random
questions I picked up from old test papers. What
does Boxing Day celebrate? What is mistletoe
traditionally used for at Christmas? According to
the Church of England, heirs to the throne are not
allowed to marry whom?
Cecil: And if you know the answers you're fit to be British?
Jose: So the UK Government thinking goes. This
knowledge, and having a good grasp of English,
they feel, is essential for migrants "to play a
full role in society and properly integrate into
our communities". That's a quote from UK Home
Secretary John Reid. Our Goa Government took note
of this humiliation to all Goans applying for
British nationality and so decided to retaliate.
You know how Brits are buying houses and
properties in Goa as though there's no tomorrow.
Well now they will have to go through a Goanness
Test before being allowed to buy property. This
is so they can integrate properly with our community. Ha!
Cecil: What about making knowledge of Konkani compulsory?
Jose: Until we decide on this Roman/ Devnagri
script thing, that aspect is being held in
abeyance. Besides so many Goans themselves today
have stopped speaking Konkani that it would be
unfair. Second generation overseas Goans for
example have not even a rudimentary knowledge of Konkani.
Cecil: You spoke of various levels of tests. Please explain.
Jose: Well depending on the nuisance level that
these Brits pose, and their desirability level,
we have different tests. All depends on their
qualifications, background, looks, wealth etc etc
Cecil: Isn't that rather discriminatory?
Jose: Hey pal, welcome to the real world. What do
you think they do to our people there in the UK?
Anyhow here's how it works. At the top of the
ladder are the extremely rich Brits who are
highly qualified, well bred and spend freely. For
them we have a simple test. Sample questions are:
What is your name? What is your age? How do you
spell Goa? Can I get you some chips with that?
Cecil: You mean basically we want them here, regardless.
Jose: Yes. As also we want the Social Worker
types from UK who spend their own money to come
here and work among the poor and the disabled. We
love both their money and their services. On the
next level we have nouveau riche Brits with not
much noble blood but who regardless will bring in
a lot of money and spend lavishly, if not for
anything else but to show off. We have a slightly
more difficult test for them and this has to be
taken every five years. That clause has been
added so if they run out of money, or start
showing their true colours, later, they can be
shunted off. Sample question for this lot are:
What is the first distillation of cashew juice
called? How many minimum layers must a 'bebinca'
have? What is the traditional loin cloth of Goan
farmers called? Which European country ruled Goa for four and a half centuries?
Cecil: Interesting. So you still consider this type of Brits desirable?
Jose: Yes, these types we can tolerate. Who we
want to basically keep out are what is referred
to as 'charter trash'. Unmannered, ill bred,
crude people who are despised even in the UK
itself. Most of these are obese too! All they
want to do is drink beer and laze in the sun all
day. They wouldn't care less about our culture or
our sensibilities. They want to purchase a house
only because it's cheaper to live here than in
England. They wouldn't care less for our way of
life, our society or our environment. We have
tests for them like: Write down all Alfred Rose's
songs in alphabetical order? Who played the comic
role in the film Amchem Noxib? Who composed the
mando "Tambdem Rosa" and in which year? Which
Pernem native founded the Victoria Gardens and the Albert Museum in Mumbai?
Cecil: I get the point. You don't want these people here.
Jose: Well we have allowed the test
administrators to be lenient, and even helpful, depending on certain criteria.
Cecil: Like what?
Jose: Well the Irish are so similar to Goan
Catholics that they are most welcome. And of
course sexy young single UK women add so much to
our landscape and bring in ogling Indian male
tourists by the hordes. They are most welcome to
buy property and intermingle with the locals. Heh! Heh!
Cecil: All these discriminatory tests will surely cause a diplomatic uproar?
Jose: That's just the tip of the iceberg my pal.
First the Brits, then all foreignersÂ….
Cecil: Whaaaa?
Jose: Sure! Take those uncouth aggressive young
Israelis for example. Nobody in Goa wants or
likes them. And thanks to them we have terror
threats and what not. Good riddance to bad
rubbish! Eventually the Goa Government is
planning to apply these tests to cash rich
non-Goan Indians buying property here too. They
will have to prove their genuine interest in Goa
and Goans by passing a Goanness Test. Here too we
will have levels. Our similarly cultured
neighbours from Mumbai and Bangalore are most
welcome, as are Bengalis with who we have a
historical link. But we don't want those
dastardly Punjabis and Delhites who speak rudely,
and with their wallet only. And since Goans can't
buy in Kashmir we will not allow Kashmiris to buy
land in Goa. As for GujaratisÂ…
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The column above appeared in Gomantak Times dated 28th December 2006
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