More on Surviving Wedding Receptions A first-person book review by the author By Cecil Pinto
We continue our review of Cecil Pinto's bestselling book, "Surviving Goan Catholic Wedding Receptions: A must-have Manual and Guide". In keeping with established convention I will take a back seat and just partially quote from the book. Quote from Chapter 4, "The Never Ending Toast". The cake has been cut. Gathered friends and relatives watch patiently and silently, without grimacing, while the incompetent but well suited best-man struggles for what seems like a good ten minutes to pop the champagne. Finally it takes the combined efforts of three friends, two waiters and the bride's third cousin who works as a barman for P&O Cruises - and so must be having some experience in these matters, to get the damned cork to fly off. The MC doesn't lend a hand and just smirks throughout all the vulgar bottle-shaking. He has told them earlier to get someone with experience to do the popping. Nobody listens. But this action packed drama is offset by the first few words of the Toast Master. "I have known Francis from the time he was so small…." As the Toast Master drones on and on about the qualities of the groom and the bride and their respective families, the gathered friends and relatives check out the outfits of the rival side. It is considered normal, and not at all impolite, to whisper innuendos about the bridesmaid's colourful past, as becomes obvious from her revealing outfit. Finally the long drawn and predictable toast ends, with a witty Quotable Quote. Everyone cheers the couple and drowns the tiny thimble glasses of cheap sweet wine distributed for this purpose The Toast Master is normally a family member or neighbour held in high esteem either because of his (a) Education (b) Eloquence in English or (3) Aspirations for a ticket from a reputed party for the upcoming Zilla Parishad elections. A priest or wannabe MC is quite often the compromise choice between families. At one wedding the Toast Master, a local priest, started of by telling everyone how the groom had changed so much for the better in recent years. He recounted how earlier the groom used to be a drug addict and quite a pain and embarrassment to his esteemed family. The short sighted priest bumbled on, not seeing the shocked looks on the faces of the bride's family, and the bride herself, who knew nothing of her beau's dark past. That particular priest is not very popular as a Toast Master any more. Quote from Chapter 5, "On Behalf of my Bride…" The groom then 'spontaneously' replies to the toast from a speech prepared by his experienced, read married, friend. His sweating brow and shivering hand reveals that this is the moment he has been dreading for months – being the sole centre of attention. This probably is his first and last attempt at public speaking and even failure to perform his marital duties that night will not be as unforgivable as not being able to remember everyone he has to thank. The combined Oscar award winners in an entire ceremony don't name as many people as the groom will. From Lucy Aunty who came all the way from Ahmedabad to Pascu Uncle who helped him to get to Kuwait those many years back. The choir in church, the person who made the dastardly take-aways, the neighbour who arranged a discounted rate for the wedding car – nobody is spared from thanks and praise, not even the friend who helped him write and rehearse the speech. Quote from Chapter 6, "The Ides of the Wedding March". The couple dance their first waltz together as a married couple. In 84.23% of cases the bride is an accomplished dancer who drags the wooden legged, two left footed, groom around the floor for exactly seventeen embarrassing seconds before the MC, previously cued by the groom, announces that the best-men and bridesmaids join in so the bridal couple's clumsy footwork is not the focus of intense scrutiny. The only reason the groom does not faint with the stress is because after replying to the toast, without falling down flat on his face, nothing else matters. The pace of the waltz gets faster by the number and by the end of the set the flamboyant bridesmaid has put to rest any doubts about her immoral past in Mumbai. She flashes much more thigh and cleavage than is appropriate and dances with a zest that is feral. Quote from Chapter 7 "Item number – What a dish". Snacks at a Goan Catholic wedding are charged for depending on how many items will be served in the quarter plate per person. The choice is three or more of each of the following: Crouquets, half sandwiches (chutney, chicken shreds, roast beef), hard canapés stuffed with vegetables and mayonnaise, miniscule samosas, patties, rissois, tiny toast pieces with meat paste etc. The last mentioned are not advisable for elderly guests wearing dentures. These snacks are served by waiters and it is quite acceptable to take much more snack plates than the number of people seated at the table. Just wave in the general direction of the dance floor or toilet, thus indicating to the waiters that you are taking extra plates for people who have temporarily left the table. Don't worry, the bridal couple is charged for how many extra dinner plates are served, and not for snack plates. Keep in mind that the wedding has started two hours late. By the time the buffet is declared open you might die of starvation. Besides there is no second serving of snacks nor some snack bar where you can pick up more between now and the dinner buffet. We're out of space again, and the drinks have not yet been served. It's going to be a long night! We will continue our review at a later date. -------- The column above appeared in Gomantak Times dated 18th October 2007 The earlier part of the review is archived at: http://www.goanet.org/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=621 ========
