Even more on Surviving Wedding Receptions Third in a series of reviews by the author himself By Cecil Pinto
We return to the wedding reception from where we left it, or rather we return to Cecil Pinto's bestselling book, "Surviving Goan Catholic Wedding Receptions: A must-have Manual and Guide". Verbatim excerpts from the book, in sequential order of chapters. Quote from Chapter 8, "Watered down Whiskey". Along with the snacks is served the first round of beverages. Waiters come around with huge rectangular wooden trays holding glasses containing – multi coloured aerated soft drinks, beer, and whiskey pre-mixed with soda. Held at the correct angle one might discern a faint golden hue from this soda-ed down drink, but considering that the ratio of whiskey to soda is about 1:28 don't be too hopeful. You will have to consume about 14 of these whiskey glasses to get the equivalent of one peg into your system. And think of the trips to the urinals. One is always then in a quandary whether to position oneself closer to the bar or closer to the toilets. Experienced wedding drinkers keep good insider contact with a waiter to get them stiffer mixtures. Some weddings have a second choice of Rum, Gin or Brandy, but rarely Feni. Why our state drink is no longer served at weddings remains an enigma, or for that matter why the MC speaks in English and not Konkani. Don't be shocked at seeing young teenage boys drinking beer quite openly. This is quite the norm at Goan Catholic celebrations and parents turn a benevolent blind eye to this in the spirit of the occasion. The more enterprising among the teenagers get a cooperative waiter to pour some whiskey into their beer. Some parents can't figure out why their teenage son is using the most foul words and puking all the way home, when all he had was two glasses of beer. The mayonnaise, pronounced minus, is often unfairly blamed for this effect. Quote from Chapter 9,"Bazooka in your face". Somewhere in the mid 1980s when video cameras (VHS format) first made their appearance in Goa it has been convention to have a videographer record every excruciating detail of the wedding for generations to laugh at. Just when you're on your 26th glass of watered down whiskey, and telling everyone at the table a naughty anecdote about when you and the second bridesmaid were dating, a glaring bright light will spotlight your table and stop all conversation. As the cameraman pans around capturing everyone at the table you are expected to maintain a deadpan expression and remain absolutely still. Smiling or taking a sip from your glass is absolute taboo at this point. Do you want to be remembered for generations as the guy who was drinking and talking and enjoying himself at the wedding? If this isn't intrusive enough there's more to come. Soon after you've served yourself at the buffet and are stuffing yourself silly the videographer and his assistant will ambush you from nowhere and suddenly you will find yourself struggling to swallow a large piece of roast tongue in the full glare of a bright light held by the grinning assistant. Please resist the impulse to strangle the assistant or the cameraman with the loads of coiled cable they always seem to be carrying around. Quote from Chapter 10, "Grin and bear the flash". While the videographer at a wedding is intruding on and irritating the guests, and interrupting every aspect of the wedding, the still photographer is busy staidly 'documenting' the occasion. Please be nice to the man. He has been up since afternoon faithfully recording the 'blessings' at both houses and has witnessed the expected inter and intra family conflicts from then on right through the nuptials and here. And he's supposed to grin and bear it all too. Remember the still photographer is not meant to be artistic or catch candid moments. His job is to neutrally document (as in documentary) all important aspects of the wedding and give these photos to the couple later in a standard wedding album with as little variation as possible from any other wedding album. "Champagne Uncorking", "Cake Cutting", "Toast", "Replying to Toast", "First Steps", "Buffet Examination", "Brides's Extended Family" etc etc. God forbid that he takes a candid photo of the little flower girl playing with the confetti on the floor, or the cute little page boy lying fast asleep across two plastic chairs or the elderly uncle grinning apologetically as he tries to carry five whiskey glasses at one go. We can't have such fun stuff in the wedding album can we? No! The photographers job is to provide serious posed stiff photos that can be used to settle any family conflicts later. The candid shots can be done by the guests with their mobiles and compact digital cameras. Quote from Chapter 11, "Cha.. Cha.. Cha..nge the music" We are approaching the point where the wedding is slowly but certainly taking on a life of its own. Enough alcohol has been consumed for inhibitions to loosen. The bachelors and spinsters with hormones raging have made their initial verbal forays and have their "Partners ready for the next set", as the MC announces. The younger folks have moved past comparing their latest cellphones competitive features and are also keen on some action. The MC has been warned by the groom's well intoxicated maternal uncle that unless everyone is on the dance floor he will be pulverized. The old folks too are loosening up and would like to shake a leg. The wedding band belts out the song made popular by Lorna, "Kalzan than mog kelo…" and those who know, and many who don't, start doing the Cha Cha Cha dance. This utterly boring and repetitive dance, from a spectator and participant point of view, does not allow enough scope for choreographed consensual frottage (referred to as 'touch dancing' in South Goa) as say the fast waltz or the Konkani Masala Mix that follows. But it serves as an appetizer and a promise of things to come. Let's pause here as the band plays "Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps…" and return when things really start gyrating. --------- The column above appeared in Gomantak Times dated 14th February 2008 =====
