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The war against terrible taste Goa Police Guidelines to identify terrorists By Cecil Pinto On its website the Goa Police Department has a colourful new page titled "Let's fight Together To Keep Goa Terror free!" The first part deals with 'Identifying a Terrorist". I am quoting verbatim, typos and all. "By clothes unsuited for the season of the Year e.g. wearing a coat or jacket in summer." This line has obviously been slipped in by a Hindutava supporter to target Catholics. Everyone knows that however hot the summer may be Goan Catholic males will wear proper thick padded suit coats on every possible occasion – wedding, feasts, ladainhas, even funerals. They will sweat by the bucketful, perspiration further compounded by dancing and drinking, but the suit will remain on till the end of the function. Most Goan Hindu males on the other hand wear sensible ethnic clothing more suited for the climate. May 17, 2009 - Panjim News Desk: The wedding of Manuel Pereira from Agacaim with Rhea Concessao from Santa Cruz was rudely interrupted when an entire company of armed Border Security Force guards barged in and arrested all the guests on the dance floor. Fortunately MLA Francisco Silveira, wearing a double breasted fawn suit with a red shirt, purple tie, white shoes and maroon socks, was one of those arrested. He managed to phone the IGP while, standing in a colourful line-up outside Cotta Mansion, and got the whole misunderstanding sorted out. Claimed Deputy Commandant Ganbir Singh, "We were following Goa Police instructions. All those people were obviously uncomfortable in their clothing and we suspected they might be concealing some arms underneath." A Public Relations Officer from the Police Department has this to say, "The women guests from Agaccaim particularly were wearing clothes totally unsuitable for the season. Long skirted maxi dresses, multi-layered suits and dresses made of that thick furry material. The flashy shining outfits were not only mismatched for the climate but also posed a security risk due to their metal content." Santa Claus and King Momo with their bulky outfits and headgear also become prime suspects. Of course the police also need not patrol the beach areas, where foreigners wear little or no clothing. On the other hand Indian female tourists who wade into the water fully clothed pose more of a risk to themselves than others. The second guideline in the Police document on Identifying a Terrorist says, "A person trying to blend with his surroundings by his dress and behavior, Though he doesn't belong to the group." Wow! This places almost everyone under suspicion and we're going to start the Insider/Outsider debate all over again. The Bengali sitting at Edwin's Bar at Aldona, not knowing he's being fed made up legends. The Trax full of married stags from Andhra Pradesh trying to get entry into Lounge Fly Discotheque. Uday Bhembre at a Tiatrist's conference. A native Goan vendor on the beach. The unregistered voter at the Moira Gram Sabha has of course been arrested before. The last form of identification in the document is "Anything protruding unnaturally under this clothing as these could be arms or Explosives." "Excuse me Mr. Pinto. There's something colossal protruding above your waistband. Could it be your paunch?" "No!" "In that case Sir I will have to ask you to please lift up your shirt." 'Ok! Check" "So it is your paunch" "No, these are my abs. Feel it. It's tough, unlike a paunch which is flabby and soft." "Abs? You call these abs? What Shah Rukh and Amir have are abs!" "These also are abs. Just more extended than normal. I overdid it on the Tummy Trimmer." "Excuse me ma'am. Please get off your bike and let us check the protrusion in your jean pockets" "What protrusion? That's my mobile phone. Can't you make out the shape? It will take me forever to get it out of my tight pants" "Then what do you do if someone calls you?" "I have my handsfree kit here!" "Excuse me Ma'am there's a fishtail protruding from the back of your slacks." "These are low waist jeans and haven't you guys ever heard of thongs?" "Excuse me young man, there's something protruding in the front of your trousers." "Gimme a break guys. She's my date and she's wearing a thong. Something says I'm going to get lucky today!" In the next section on Identifying a Suspicious Vehicle we have this revelation, "A vehicle parked suspiciously for a prolonged time in a central place or in a no-parking area." By this criterion every city Police Station is a sitting time bomb. There are always vehicles rusting to death in front of any Traffic Cell. And any major Government Department will have one or more long dead, falling apart, dust covered jeeps parked permanently in front. Another thing to look out for in vehicles is if, "The vehicle's rear part sags noticeably" "Sir please tell your wife to get out of the back seat of the van" "Sure, Inspector" "Ok. She can get back again and you can go" "Is there any problem, Inspector?" "No. Now we know why your vehicle was sagging behind" I wonder what the public is supposed to do if they see an oddly under-dressed foreigner woman whose 'rear part sags noticeably'. Today's papers have huge adverts by the Goa Police in a similar vein. "At religious services / dances/ parties, be vigilant. If you notice any suspicious object or any movements, report it to the police immediately" "Darling that couple is dancing the Cha Cha Cha to a Foxtrot beat. Is that a suspicious movement we should report? "Naaah! That's normal in South Goa." "Darling that guy is totally drunk and giving me suggestive looks." "That's perfectly acceptable at a New Year dance. He probably can't see you very clearly" "Darling that naked stripper there has a suspicious object on the front of her body" "That's her entire clothing dear. And she's not a stripper, just a young Russian moll" "Darling that guy's absolutely sober and being the perfect gentleman, at the table and on the dance floor" "This is definitely suspicious. Let me dial 100" But jokes aside folks, the Goa Police have been working round the clock making sure we are safe and can enjoy the 'season' in relative peace. They've been away from their families for days on end so that we can be safe with our families. Don't make their job any tougher. Just cooperate so we can all have a Happy New Year! -------- The column above appeared in Gomantak Times dated 1st January 2009 ====