Nanophilia Learning to love the dwarf car By Cecil Pinto
Michael, Francis and Ubaldo are standing at the Gates of Heaven being interviewed by St. Peter. “Ok you, Michael, how many times did you cheat on your wife?” “Let me be honest Peter. I’ve been seeing at least two or three different women a year all my married life.” “Ok, your car in heaven is that Maruti Swift there. Goodbye.” St. Peter turns to Francis, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?” Francis replies, “I must admit that in fifteen years of marriage I did cheat on my wife twice.” St. Peter says, “OK, your car in heaven is that Honda City. Here’s the keys. Get going!” Her then looks at Ubaldo, “And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?” Ubaldo lifts his head high and replies, “I am proud to say that in over twenty years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife. In fact, my beloved has been dead for two years now and I remained celibate the whole time!” St Peter replies, “Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that BMW Z4-M Roadster convertible. Goodbye!” Michael and Francis have driven off and are in a car park nearby waiting for their friend. Ubaldo turns up in his BMW but he is crying his heart out. Michael asks, “Arrre! What’s the matter with you? We should be crying. We're stuck with these cheaper models and you got an expensive BMW!" Between sobs Ubaldo explains, “I just saw my wife in a Nano!” Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Well I found this joke quite funny, but my wife didn’t. Figures. Like everyone in India, and their brother-in-law, she too wants to book a Tata Nano car. But before going there let me assure you that the in-law thing is not an exaggeration. Two of my Gulf rich brothers-in-law and one sister-in-law have sent me money to book them a Nano each. Even my not-so-rich mother wants to book a Nano. And she doesn’t even know how to drive! Coming back to my wife. “Why exactly do you want that four-wheeler rickshaw Nano when we have a perfectly functional Maruti Omni van?” “Functional is the correct word. Can we go for a decent wedding reception in that fifteen year old junk?” “Don’t call it a junk. It get you from A to B. What else do you need?” “I need something that I am proud to be seen in.” “Sure, sure! Next you will be ashamed to be seen with me!” “Well if you don’t start working out and reducing that enormous paunch…Speaking of which the Nano is supposed to be very spacious.” “Spacious. You want spacious. Ha! You can put your Nano into the back of our van and still have space for the driver and one passenger to sit comfortably. Our van is the most spacious vehicle in the family stable. Notice how all the children love to travel in our van during combined family picnics? It’s because of the space. The smaller kids can even stand up and jump without hitting their heads. Try doing that in one of your fancy small cars!” “The van is faded and scratched and outdated and…” “What are you talking about? It’s a classic model that still sells in large numbers. And the fading and the scratches are a sign of maturity. This is a van that has seen life and…” “And it has seen two previous owners.” “One of who I might remind you was a priest. And no women owners!” “What makes you think that a priest is a better owner of a car than a woman?” “Beats me but I know professional car dealers who will buy cars used by doctors and priests but will not touch a lawyer or woman-owned car with a bargepole.” “And what’s wrong with married owners?” “Huh?” “Why do they advertise single owners so proudly? Ha!” “Very funny! Anyway a pre-scratched van has a certain dignity to it. It’s like pre-washed jeans. It has gone through the worst part and now nothing can harm it. Besides think of the security aspects.” “What security? That van is the most dangerous vehicle in an accident situation. It has no buffer in front…” “I don’t mean that. Look at it this way. In five years nobody has even attempted to rob our van. We can park it just anywhere without even locking it and nobody will rob it.” “That’s because it has no resale value. Even car robbers have taste and good sense.” “Exactly! So why should we buy a Nano and then have to build a garage and other things to secure our car?” “Because it’s only one lakh rupees.” “Only one lakh? Ha! That’s a lot of money. I would have to write this column for six years to pay back that type of money.” “If we withdrew the maximum we can from our PPF fund and we sold that cane sofa set and the Activa scooter and that garish gold brooch your aunt gifted me.” “Garish? I thought you were quite thrilled with the gift.” “Gold is gold. And if we add to that Desmond’s First Communion cash gift collection.” “You can’t use his gift money for your luxuries.” “He said we could. All his friends’ parents have better and newer cars than us. He gets embarrassed when we pick him up in the van from school functions.” “Oh!” “By the way the maid-servant wants a cash advance of Rs. 3,000/-?” “House repairs?” “No she’s planning to book a Nano.” “Whaaaaaat!? She doesn’t have a proper roof over her head. For heaven’s sake they don’t have a toilet in the house and have to use the St. Inez nullah. Why does she want a Nano?” “She had promised a ‘four-wheeler’ as dowry to a prospective groom for her daughter. Anyway you know what they say about men who buy big cars to compensate for small err…” “Yes I know!” “So maybe if you buy the Nano, which is a small car, people will think you have a big err…” “Now that’s a good idea. But can’t we wait for the Lok Sabha elections? If Panchayat elections are decided by how many cycles and sewing machines were gifted, surely at Parliament level we could get a cheap Nano for our family votes.” --------- The column above appeared in Gomantak Times dated 26th March 2009 =====