Shoe Flinging Academy Putting your best boot forward By Cecil Pinto
This week Professor T Patel, principal of the newly opened Shoe Flinging Academy (SFA), takes us on a walking tour of his institute. Based in Caranzalem, the SFA is spread over a ten acre property with a small cluster of buildings surrounded by bountiful lawns and gardens. The land was acquired by the Goa Government under the Land Acquisitions Act and originally given to the mine owning Patel family to encourage tourism through local participation. “So tell me Prof Patel, how exactly does a Shoe Flinging Academy get land that’s earmarked for public activities?” “Now Cecil, let’s not discuss politics here. I leave the legalities and ethics of it to my lawyers, PR people and boot lickers who owe me favours. In fact they advised me to change the name from the earlier Shoe Hurling Institute of Technology.” “Ok. Tell me about your courses.” “We basically offer two courses. Medium Pace Shoe Flinging which is a six month part-time course and Fast Spin Shoe Flinging which is an intensive one week full-time course. We also conduct cheaper 6 hour workshops for those on a shoe-string budget.” “In this Nike sponsored classroom here, are the students being instructed about different types of shoes or different types of throws?” “Nothing of that sort Cecil. First we teach our students about the different forms of injustice and at who shoes can be thrown. For example in a recent Hotel Land Ordinance case there were many enemies-of-the-people so to say. Who does one throw the shoe at? The Governor? No! He was appointed by the Central Government and is a rubber stamp. The hotel owner? No! He is a businessman trying to make the maximum money he can, using whatever and whoever it takes. Do you throw shoes at the employees of the hotel, and some contractors, who were gullible enough to take out a morcha? No! They were used by the owner. Who then is answerable to the public? Only our elected representatives. That is where the shoe fits, and where it should be hurled!” “I never thought of all that.” “So you see Cecil, once a student has passed through our academy he has a better understanding of where and when to fling shoes. We also give them a brief understanding about other forms of protest. There is a misunderstanding that shoe flinging started in Iraq and came to India via China. This is totally false! Almost every popular form of protest has its roots in India. Remember that the ultimate form of protest, satyagraha, was started by Mahatma Gandhi, who incidentally was mostly barefoot.” “Accepted Prof, but there are other protest forms that have not originated in India. For example in the late 1960s in USA we had the feminist movement which invented the concept of bra burning…” “Bra burning? How very pathetic. We in India have been burning entire brides for centuries before that. And then we have Sati and self-immolation. Also we burn entire communities during riots…” “You mean India is like the cradle of protest movements?” “Look around Cecil, we have rasta rokos in villages that have never had proper roads. We have hunger strikes in areas that are famine striken. We have sit-down slow-down strikes in Government offices. If that isn’t self-contradictory what is?” “Ok Prof Patel, what’s happening in this Reebok sponsored classroom with all these maps and charts?” “Plan Making. This is the most important module. You see the difference between a successful shoe thrower and a failure is all in the planning. Who are you going to attack? On what grounds? What will you exclaim? What sort of shoes will you be wearing? How many will you fling? How will you fling them? Will you wait for the other shoe to drop? What will…” “Whoa! Slow down Prof. Lets take the last part. What are the different types of shoe flinging?” “It ranges from the extreme Zeidi-Bush Blast where two heavy-duty boots are flung directly at the target with great accuracy and force to cause maximum damage, to the relatively benign Singh-Chidambaram Toss where only one light-weight shoe is pitched in the general direction of the target and will not cause any harm even if impact occurs.” “Which is the superior method?” “Different strokes for different folks. We warn our students about the consequences of each action. Choosing a soft target and using a less aggressive technique not only gets your message across but attracts a lesser penalty, but if you want to be a hero and get jailed we show our students how to manage that too.” “Is the number of shoes a major criteria?” “We have an entire module dedicated to the type and number of shoes to be flung. Understand Cecil that immediately once you fling a shoe you will be bundled away by the security forces. If you threw only one shoe then you will be left wearing only one and this can be clumsy and embarrassing. If you flung both your shoes that can be downright painful being hobbled around without any footwear. Do you carry an extra single or pair for throwing or wearing? How do you get that past security? How do you slip in slip-ons? Can you sneak in sneakers? Do you go solo with your sole?” “This is quite a complex course. What about getting adequate publicity for the throw?” “Indeed. If a shoe was flung in a forest and no one is around to see it, does it make a sound? This is not a philosphical riddle but a very serious question for our students. You have to position yourself so that TV cameras record the shoe being flung – else your purpose is not served. In this classroom, sponsored by Adidas, we teach students how to position themselves for maximimum visibilty.” “How come no women are coming forward to throw their shoes, like those sexy PETA protestors who would rather go naked than wear fur?” “We are getting a lot of female students. Currently we are developing the Stiletto Spin, Cast-a-Croc and the Platform Pitch at our experimental laboratory sponsored by Bata.” “Are children allowed to enroll in the academy?” “No! Don’t be a heel. Politics and protests are for adults. Children should go for picnics, Cecil. Take your kids to the lovely public beach at Vainguinim in Dona Paula. There’s lots of fun activities planned this Sunday.” -------- The column above appeared in Gomantak Times dated 16th April 2009 -------- PICNIC ON THE BEACH Date: 19th April Time: 5 p.m.onwards Place: Vainguinim Beach - the public beach that the Cidade has been treating as it's own private property. You're invited! Come help us reclaim the beach. Bring your friends, family, relatives, dogs, what have you... There will be A Quiz presented by Saturday Evening Quiz Club An Art workshop for Children by Antonio E Costa Lots of Games Fun and Frolic Live music Come have a blast and make a point See you at the beach on Sunday The organisers will have volunteers in the area to guide you to parking places and to the public pathway to the beach. For further details contact Venita Coelho at <venitacoelho at gmail dot com> ==========