Now, what I am having are the mostestest of discomboobulations about whether
or not the cleanlinesses and lubricationesses of the valves have anything to
do with the qualitativeness or the raisings or lowerings of the stopped tones
and what about the cleanlinesses of your hand in the bell so the questions are
as follows:
1) If your valves are dirty and your hand is dirty, will the resultanting
stopped note come out cleanly whether or not you have fingered it above or
below or does the fingering depend on whether or not you have figured out the
physics involved for both the F and B sides or should it just sound good no
matter what and what about the other combinations of the above?
2) If your valves are cleaned with shampoo, soaked in alcohol, lubricated
with triple refined mink oil mixed with 5W30 Mobil 1 with a drop of red food
coloring added for visual effect in the $5.00, 2 oz. bottle and been oiled
every other hour for a week, and your hand has been washed with Dial
Anti-Bacterial soap, dried with a sterile, surgeons' grade paper towel, covered with
vaseline to moisturize it and then inserted in the bell and because of the vaseline
it goes in even further up the bell than usual, then, does the resultant node
or anti-node move even further making the pitch raise or lower a full step on
either or both the F and/or B sides?
3) I have heard that hand stopping in the northern hemisphere raises the
pitch and in the southern hemisphere, it lowers it (or vice-versa), and that
this is why the fingerings written in the rental part of the Capriccio
Espagnole never work?
4) Are there any markeded differences in the above mentioned questions
when performing on either a silver Kruspe wrapped horn or a brass Geyer wrapped
horn and what about a Chinese nickle plated horn and if the Geyer wrapped horn
had just been polished with Brasso, sterilized with alcohol and cryogenically
frozen, would it still have a bad "g" and if the Kruspe wrapped had the same
things done, would the "a" and "g#" still be flat on open and 2 on the B side?
4) How much would it cost to add a stopping valve to a Wagner Tuba and
why don't the manufacturers do this and why are there no stop valves on the
natural horn?
5) If John Kerry was a horn player and played a Geyer, would he have
changed to a Kruspe at some point and then maybe back to the Geyer or vice versa?
6) If George W. Bush were a horn player in an amateur orchestra, would he
show up at all of the rehearsals?
Mostest of thankings in advance for you mostestest erudiculousses of replies
over the next month or so on these subjects!!!!
Mostestest of Sinceres and Kindestest of Greetonings,
Prof. I. M. Gestopftmitscheist
Principal 8th horn and Principal 4th Wagner Tuber, Schplittenotendorf am
Oedland Staatsoper und Philharmoniker, (ret.)
Solo Horn, Exit 2 Brass Quintet
Hornist, Broken Winds WW Quintet
Solo 4th Horn (Leader, call me for bookings), Smirnoff Horn Quartet
Assistant Associate Principal Mellophone, NJ Turnpike Authority Drum and
Bugle Corps, "The Phantom Lane Changers"
Hornist as Needed, L'Ensemble du Chambre des Palourdes
Principal Natural Horn, I Soloisti di Feces
Principal Baroque and Hunting Horn, Camarata Vongoleforte
Adjunct, Part-time, Arms-length Professor of Horn and Pest Control, Exit 2
Community College, Exit 2, NJ
Author, "The Kopprasch Connection," "Kopprasch for Fun and Profit,"
"Kopprasch for the New Millenium: Where Do you Fit In?" "Hooked on Hornonics," and
"What If Saddam Had Given Ouday and Qusay Olds Ambassador or Conn Pan American
Single F Horns and a Kopprasch Book Instead of AK 47's, Booze and Porn?"
Founder, Director and CEO, Universal Institute for the Study, Preservation
and Dissemination of Kopprasch Throughout the Solar System
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Grand Poobah of the Koppraschian Kult
Director and Program Manager, The All Kopprasch Channel (AKC), Kopprasch
Public Radio (KPR)
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Interplanetarily Known Soloist and Artist of Record
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Does Not Get His Horns For Free
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"An ounce of Kopprasch is worth a pound of Maxime-Alphonse."
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