A VISIT FROM ST. DENNIS By Prof. I. M. Gestopftmitscheist Twas the night before Kopprasch, when all through the house Not a hornist was playing, not even some Strauss; The Holtons were packed in their cases with care, In hopes that St. Dennis soon would be there.
The students were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of symphony jobs danced in their heads; As Mamma and I filled out financial aid forms, We wished that those kids had never been born! With auditions looming for college and schools, These two "musicians" were acting like fools. Playing only solos, excerpts, and such, Their playing was not to be considered, much. Add to these facts that these kids had big heads, Mamma and I were in the throes of great dread. Since money was tight and the wallet quite thin, Unless they got scholarships, the future was grim. When out on the lawn there arose such a sound, I sprang from the desk like a deer on a bound! Away to the window, I flew like a flash, Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash! The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow Gave the lustre of midday to objects below, When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a gigantic sleigh and eight great-big reindeer! A distinguished man had his hand on the rein, I new in a moment that it surely was St. Brain. More rapid than Al Cass his coursers they came, And he free buzzed, and shouted, and called them by name: Now, Alex! now Kruspe! now Conn and Holton! On, Yamaha! on Geyer! on, Schmid and Lawson! To the top of the range! to the pedal notes fall! Now play away! play away! play away all! When great horn players perform, they take the stage tall. They play solos perfectly, with no warm up at all! So up to the roof-top the coursers they flew, With a sleigh full of music, and St. Dennis too. And then, in an eighth note, I heard on the roof The puffing and blowing of each little toot. As I drew in my head, and was fumbling around, Down the chimney came St. Dennis, ready to sound. He was dressed in his tails, and patent leather shoes, And he then said to me, "In a minute, great news!" A bundle of music he had flung on his back, And in his right hand, a Marcus Bona pack. I stared at his face, and his eyes were afire, and I knew in his life, there was only one desire, to take out a horn and make music, not noise, and do it perfectly, with confidence and poise! He opened the gig bag and picked up his horn, like I knew he had done since the day he was born. He then played the Siegfried with nary a clam, and all I could think of was "hot damn!" And this great performance had awakened the kids, Who came in a'running, and put on the skids. They were all shaken, scared, and bewildered of that Since the only horn playing they had done had sounded like crap. He then played "Till Eulenspiegel" with nary a crack, And all with perfect rhythm, dynamics and attack. His beautiful tone was simply amazing, Not to mention his incredible phrasing. The kids starting yelling, "HOW CAN WE DO THAT?" "WE'LL NEVER SUCCEED IF WE STILL SOUND LIKE CRAP!" And then St. Dennis said, "Please, don't despair. There is remedy for all problems, so there." "My instructions, now, you should perfectly heed, If you really ever, ever want to succeed." St. Dennis then reached down into his sack, And pulled out some music and handed it back. "There are five fundamentals to playing horn well, Without support for you air, your playing will smell. A strong embouchure gives you right notes and range, Good articulation keeps things from sounding strange." "One must know their intervals and play pitches in tune, Or else you will clam and play like a bufoon! You need perfect rhythm, without any glitches, Otherwise, you'll have the audience in stitches." "Put it all together and what have you got? Why, great playing, for sure, and crap it is not! If you work on the basics one hour per day, Then people will listen, they might even pay!" "So practice these studies, numbers one through sixty. Until you have assuredness and consistency. This time you invest is always well spent, Especially when you perform at any event." "Your excerpts and solos will go like the wind, Since you know all the techniques to employ within. A tricky passage is now in your grasp, Since you have practiced and practiced: KOPPRASCH!!!" With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head, "I've got others to tell, tonight," he said. And then with his horn and his music in hand, Up the chimney he went, fast as fast can. He sprang to his sleigh and buzzed to his team, Away they all flew, as if in a dream. But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, "Happy KOPPRASCH to all and to all a good night!" Copywrong, 1999, revised versions, 2000, 2002, 2004 Prof. I. M. Gestopftmitscheist SEASONINGS GREETONINGS and MOSTESTEST OF FUNNINGS FOR THE HOLIDAYS!!! Prof. I. M. Gestopftmitscheist Principal 8th horn and Principal 4th Wagner Tuber, Schplittenotendorf am Oedland Staatsoper und Philharmoniker, (ret.) Solo Horn, Exit 2 Brass Quintet Hornist, Broken Winds WW Quintet Solo 4th Horn (Leader, call me for bookings), Smirnoff Horn Quartet Assistant Associate Principal Mellophone, NJ Turnpike Authority Drum and Bugle Corps, "The Phantom Lane Changers" Hornist as Needed, L'Ensemble du Chambre des Palourdes Principal Natural Horn, I Soloisti di Feces Principal Baroque and Hunting Horn, Camarata Vongoleforte Adjunct, Part-time, Arms-length Professor of Horn and Pest Control, Exit 2 Community College, Exit 2, NJ Author, "The Kopprasch Connection," "Kopprasch for Fun and Profit," "Kopprasch for the New Millenium: Where Do you Fit In?" "Hooked on Hornonics," and "What If Saddam Had Given Ouday and Qusay Olds Ambassador or Conn Pan American Single F Horns and a Kopprasch Book Instead of AK 47's, Booze and Porn?" Founder, Director and CEO, Universal Institute for the Study, Preservation and Dissemination of Kopprasch Throughout the Solar System Founder and Guru Extraordinaire, Hornaholics Anonymous Grand Poobah of the Koppraschian Kult Director and Program Manager, The All Kopprasch Channel (AKC), Kopprasch Public Radio (KPR) Host of The Kopprasch Factor on AKC and All Kopprasch Considered on KPR Founder of Kopprasch Depot, your one stop shop for all you need! Interplanetarily Known Soloist and Artist of Record Exclusive Bundy, Carl Fischer, Olds Ambassador, Sansone and Conn Artist Who Does Not Get His Horns For Free Phone: yes Fax: yes E-mail: yes Website: no "Live Kopprasch or Die!" _______________________________________________ post: horn@music.memphis.edu unsubscribe or set options at http://music.memphis.edu/mailman/options/horn/archive%40jab.org
