Now, here it is so you can have the correct knowings of the makings of all
your clams!
THE LEXICON OF CLAMOLOGY
by
PROFESSOR I. M. GESTOPFTMITSCHEIST
NO-SPEAKY - A late entrance due to the lack of vibration of the embouchure.
Considered by most horn players to not be a "true clam."
PHWOP - Falling of to below the pitch on the end of the last note of a
passage usually in
diminuendo.
PHWAP - Sailing to above the pitch on the end of the last note of a passage
usually in
diminuendo.
PHWUP - A No-Speaky at the end of a long diminuendo causing the note to end
earlier
that printed. Again, considered by most players not to be a "true clam."
PHREEP - A soft miss of a note from either above or below usually only heard
and
noticed by your colleagues in the horn section and not the conductor or the
audience.
SCHPLAT - A loud miss of a note from either above or below either upon
entrance or in
the course of a passage. Must have an indefinite pitch at its inception
before arriving on
the printed note.
SCHPLEAH - A loud miss of a note from above. Must have a definite pitch at
its
inception. Similar to a Baroque appogiatura in sound.
SCHPLOOEE - Same as a Schpleah, but from below.
SCHPLADAT - A very rapid Schplat. Can be doubled into a
SCHPLADATSCHPLADAT and tripled and quadrupled as well. The sky's the limit
on
this one. When enough SCHPLADATS are coupled together that the pitch of the
printed
note is never distinguished, it becomes a SCHPLADATANDO.
SCHPHLOINK - A very long No-Speaky on an entrance where the listener and
player
are kept in suspense as to if when the note will speak. Sometimes coupled
with a
Schpleah, Schplooee, or Schpladat to become a SCHPHLOINKTER.
SCHPHLINK - A Schphloink occuring in the middle of a passage. Sometimes
coupled
with a Schpleah, Schplooee or Schpladat to become a SCHPHLINKTER.
SCHPLOIEEOIEEOI - Encircling the printed note from above and below, never
getting
on the pitch, but clearly marking the pitch of the notes above and below.
Usually occurs
in the middle of slow passages but occaisionally occurs upon entrance.
Prof. I. M. Gestopftmitscheist
Principal 8th horn and Principal 4th Wagner Tuber, Schplittenotendorf am
Oedland Staatsoper und Philharmoniker, (ret.)
Solo Horn, Bad Corner Brass Quintet
Hornist, Broken Winds WW Quintet
Solo 4th Horn (Leader, call me for bookings), Smirnoff Horn Quartet
Assistant Associate Principal Mellophone, NJ Turnpike Authority Drum and
Bugle Corps, "The Phantom Lane Changers" (summer only)
Hornist as Needed, L'Ensemble du Chambre des Palourdes
Principal Natural Horn, I Soloisti di Feces
Principal Baroque and Hunting Horn, Camarata Vongoleforte
Adjunct, Part-time, Arms-length Professor of Horn and Pest Control, Exit 2
Community College, Exit 2, NJ (Ret.)
Adjunct, Part-time, Arms-length Professor of Horn, Pest Control and Home
Petroleum Studies, Northern New Hampshire Technical Institute, Bad Corner, NH
Author, "The Kopprasch Connection," "Kopprasch for Fun and Profit,"
"Kopprasch for the New Millenium: Where Do you Fit In?" "Hooked on Hornonics,"
and
"What If Saddam Had Given Ouday and Qusay Olds Ambassador or Conn Pan American
Single F Horns and a Kopprasch Book Instead of AK 47's, Booze and Porn?"
Founder, Director and CEO, Universal Institute for the Study, Preservation
and Dissemination of Kopprasch Throughout the Solar System
Founder and Guru Extraordinaire, Hornaholics Anonymous
Grand Poobah of the Koppraschian Kult
Director and Program Manager, The All Kopprasch Channel (AKC), Kopprasch
Public Radio (KPR)
Host of The Kopprasch Factor on AKC and All Kopprasch Considered on KPR
Founder of Kopprasch Depot, your one stop shop for all you need!
Owner-Operator, Bad Corner Petroleum Laboratory, " The Worlds Largest Valve
Oil Factory"
Founder and Disseminator of CLAMSAA, the Universal Holiday for Horn Players
Interplanetarily Known Soloist and Artist of Record
Exclusive Bundy, Carl Fischer, Olds Ambassador, Sansone and Conn Artist Who
Does Not Get His Horns For Free
Phone: yes
Fax: yes
E-mail: yes
Website: no
"The greatest clam you can make in life is to be continually fearing you
will make one."
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