Now, Ray and others have been making references to their familiar
cousinries, so I am now thinking a reprising of this is in the
orderings:
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK HORN PLAYER IF...
Your horn teacher's name is "Bubba."
You have a 1956 Pan American single F that has valves that work
and 14 old
Elkhart Conn 8D's with valves that don't.
You have slide grease under your toenails.
You regularly answer the question "what have you been doing
lately?" with
"trying to learn how to count more than 10 bars rest."
Your mother gets in fistfights at your high school band concerts.
You have a Conn 8D or Holton 179 bell for a hood ornament instead
of a Mack
Truck bulldog or Harley Davidson eagle.
You think an IHS Workshop is a good place to meet women/men.
You have completely taken apart your horn and greased and oiled it
on your
living room floor rug and not put down a newspaper or drop cloth.
Your horn case is full of empty beer cans.
You think Kopprasch is German for "White Trash."
You don't understand why there's no Kruspes between the Cheetos and
the Beer
Nuts at the grocery store.
You use a styrofoam cooler for a gig bag.
You call your horn teacher "Dude."
You yell "Give the drummer some!" at symphony concerts.
Your horn is an old, beat up Olds Ambassador, Conn 6D or Reynolds
Pottag
model held together with chicken wire and duct tape.
You think Mason Jones played pedal steel with Reba MacIntyre.
You use a beer bottle for a mute.
You think "Schmidt" is what your dog does in the backyard.
You think Dennis Brain won at Daytona in '57.
You think a "leadpipe" is part of a male's anatomy.
You think Jimmy Stagliano was a character in "The Godfather."
You consider the "Horn Call" deep reading.
You ever started a petition to change the National Anthem to "The
Klaxon."
You think Kling is what Monica did with Bill.
Your kids are going hungry because you "just HAD to have that
Lawson."
You have a laminated picture of Prof. Hans Pizka on your headboard.
You think Barry Tuckwell holds the major league record for stolen
bases.
You have a stop mute hanging from your rear view mirror.
You think they sell Holtons at WalMart.
You think a Merker-Matic is a dirt bike.
You think Gestopft means a medical condition that requires ExLax.
Your Father goes up to the kid who beat you out at All-State band
tryouts
and says "I'm gonna take a switch to your behind if you beat my kid
again next
year!"
You honest-to-god think women are turned on by hearing you play
the "long
call."
You are turned on by hearing guys play the "long call."
You think a mellophone is cellular or something like that.
You've ever had sex to the sound track of "Titanic."
You keep looking for dentures on eBay because your "high notes just
ain't
what they use to be."
You've ever written in Dale Clevenger's name on a presidential
ballot.
Your mother thinks Kopprasch is your boyfriend's name.
You think "cadenza" is a fancy name for an outhouse.
You think R. Strauss manufactures blue jeans.
You think Hermann Baumann played the role of Colonel Klink on
"Hogan's
Heroes."
You've ever been fired from a gig because of your personal
appearance.
You consider a six pack of beer and a recording of the Nutcracker
"quality
entertainment."
You own more than 12 ties with horns on them.
Your neighbors make you leave the trailer park when you want to
practice.
You think Gallay is that wine in those big gallon jugs at the
liquor store.
Someone asks you what kind of horn you own and you reply "French."
You paid less for your pickup truck than you did for your horn.
You think Maxime-Alphonse is an exotic dancer down at "The
Gentlemen's Club."
You have 10 dogs all named "Till."
You think Jimmy Chambers was the drummer in the band on "HeeHaw."
Your mom's been cooking with valve oil ever since she ran out of
Crisco.
You have ever been blacklisted from a music store.
You think "Siegfried" is half of a Vegas act.
You think heaven looks a lot like the Conn factory.
You warm up using the theme from "Dallas."
Your mouthpiece is reduced 10 drill sizes by the built up crud in it.
You have an STP sticker on your mute.
You think Verne Reynolds was the star of "Deliverance" and "Smokey
and the
Bandit."
You can play a high C with a toothpick in your mouth.
You have ever worn a tank top to a gig.
You think Phil Farkas played center for the Razorbacks.
The horn list limits you to one post a day.
You use a color coordinated clothes line to keep your horn case shut.
The other students at all-state tryouts call you "Porky."
You bring your dog with you to gigs.
You refer to your colleagues in the horn section as "my buds."
You think "embouchure" is a sauce in a Cajun restaurant.
Your horn smells like chewing tobacco.
You believe everything you read on the horn list.
You have a tattoo that reads "Kopprasch" but it's spelled wrong.
Copywrong, 1999, revised 2006, Prof. I.M.G.
Kindest of Greetonings and Mostestest of Geneologicals,
Prof. I. M. Gestopftmitscheist
Principal 8th horn and Principal 4th Wagner Tuber,
Schplittenotendorf am
Oedland Staatsoper und Philharmoniker, (ret.)
Solo Horn, Bad Corner Brass Quintet
Hornist, Broken Winds WW Quintet
Solo 4th Horn (Leader, call me for bookings), Smirnoff Horn Quartet
Assistant Associate Principal Mellophone, NJ Turnpike Authority
Drum and
Bugle Corps, "The Phantom Lane Changers" (summer only)
Hornist as Needed, L'Ensemble du Chambre des Palourdes
Principal Natural Horn, I Soloisti di Feces
Principal Baroque and Hunting Horn, Camarata Vongoleforte
Adjunct, Part-time, Arms-length Professor of Horn and Pest
Control, Exit 2
Community College, Exit 2, NJ (Ret.)
Adjunct, Part-time, Arms-length Professor of Horn, Pest Control
and Home
Petroleum Studies, Northern New Hampshire Technical Institute, Bad
Corner, NH
Author, "The Kopprasch Connection," "Kopprasch for Fun and Profit,"
"Kopprasch for the New Millenium: Where Do you Fit In?" "Hooked on
Hornonics," "What
If Saddam Had Given Ouday and Qusay Olds Ambassador or Conn Pan
American
Single F Horns and a Kopprasch Book Instead of AK 47's, Booze and
Porn?" "The
DaVinci Clam: Is Kopprasch Really and Ancient, Secret Conspiracy
to Get Players
to Perform the Right Notes, The Right Rhythm and the Right
Dynamics in Tune?"
Founder, Director and CEO, Universal Institute for the Study,
Preservation
and Dissemination of Kopprasch Throughout the Solar System
Founder and Guru Extraordinaire, Hornaholics Anonymous
Grand Poobah of the Koppraschian Kult
Director and Program Manager, The All Kopprasch Channel (AKC),
Kopprasch
Public Radio (KPR)
Host of The Kopprasch Factor on AKC and All Kopprasch Considered
on KPR
Founder of Kopprasch Depot, your one stop shop for all you need!
Owner-Operator, Bad Corner Petroleum Laboratory, " The Worlds
Largest Valve
Oil Factory"
Founder and Disseminator of CLAMSAA, the Universal Holiday for
Horn Players
Interplanetarily Known Soloist and Artist of Record
Exclusive Bundy, Carl Fischer, Olds Ambassador, Sansone and Conn
Artist Who
Does Not Get His Horns For Free
Phone: yes
Fax: yes
E-mail: yes
Website: yes
"To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step to Kopprasch."
_______________________________________________
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