Now, Prof. Pizka, has made some mostestests, interestingests of questions,
(which all good professors should do from time to time) and Prof. Cabbage had
made some good answers, (which is also in the professorial job descriptions)
as we all know, but since this is the horn list, I am entitled to my mostest
eruditedestest of opinions and answers as well, and as I am a "professor's
professor" as they say, I am certainly as right or wrong as Dr. Kohl, and I
have no disrespects for him, either way, so I am now making my own answers or
as
they say in the "Garden State" of New Jersey, "Yo, I got youse answers
RIGHT 'EEEERRRREEEE!
1st: how to activate a valve on the horn ?
Call the toll free number stamped on the valve and follow the recorded
instructions.
2nd: how to put up the music stand?
In the guest room or at a motel if you have a small apartment
3rd: which music stand is better: metal, wooden, plastic ?
None of the above as this is the 21st century so titanium is best
4rth: are collapsable music stands dangerous for the player?
Only if you live on the left coast and there is an earthquake
5th: Do decorated valve caps (mother-of-pearl e.g.)
influence the sound quality ?
Only if you have bad air support and a closed throat syllable
6th: Should I clean my horn with a brush - outside ?
Yes if you are making a big mess of the house by cleaning it with a brush
inside
7th: how often ?
When the weather is good and it's not too cold outside
8th: where do I get water when exhausted from playing ?
Same places you get water when exhilarated from playing
9th: what do do, when one must go pee-pee during a rehearsal?
This is very confusing as if you must go pee-pee, then there should not be
any do do (sic) but if there is, then you should do the same as pee, and
always raise your hand and ask the conductor for permission to leave and then
make
sure once you have left to take advantage of your unscheduled break and have
a beer and a sandwich or call your girlfriend or boyfriend or stockbroker or
whatevers
10th: how to avoid a full stomach before playing a hard
concert ?
Make sure you purchase a round-trip meal ticket
11th: how to remember the most prominent composers of the
Classic period, as they have German names ?
The same way you remember the most obscure composers of the classic period
as they have English names
12th: how to remember the note names ?
Always be making an association with any name, like you do at a party, like
when you meet somebody named "Fred" for examples, and he is wearing a red
shirt, so you make the rememberings of "Fred wearing red" and it is easier
with
notes like in Kopprasch No. 1, you have C, D, E, F, G, A, B, C, D, E in the
first phrase so you make rememberings of clam, dork, excrement, fart, groan,
agony, barf, crap, dribble, enema, and the list goes on...
13th: how to remember a certain melody ?
Like the estemablestest Prof. Cabbage made the suggestings of, use words,
like for the solo in TIll Eulenspiegel's Lustige Streiche, "This poor horn
play-er, this poor horn play-er, this poor horn play-er will be lucky if
he/she
doesn't f**k this up!"
14th: how to close the horn case properly ?
Always follow the manufacturer's instructions correctly
15th: where do I get extra underwear if I had some problems
during a difficult solo when playing 4rth horn in a Strauss Waltz program?
At WalMart, look for it between the guns and the wax paper one isle over
from the graphite lock lubricant and the wheel bearing grease across from the
guitars, trumpets, flutes and clarinets.
Kindestest of Greetonings and Mostestest of Truthologicals,
Prof. I. M. Gestopftmitscheist
Principal 8th horn and Principal 4th Wagner Tuber, Schplittenotendorf am
Oedland Staatsoper und Philharmoniker, (ret.)
Solo Horn, Bad Corner Brass Quintet
Hornist, Broken Winds WW Quintet
Solo 4th Horn (Leader, call me for bookings), Smirnoff Horn Quartet
Assistant Associate Principal Mellophone, NJ Turnpike Authority Drum and
Bugle Corps, "The Phantom Lane Changers" (summer only)
Hornist as Needed, L'Ensemble du Chambre des Palourdes
Principal Natural Horn, I Soloisti di Feces
Principal Baroque and Hunting Horn, Camarata Vongoleforte
Adjunct, Part-time, Arms-length Professor of Horn and Pest Control, Exit 2
Community College, Exit 2, NJ (Ret.)
Adjunct, Part-time, Arms-length Professor of Horn, Pest Control and Home
Petroleum Studies, Northern New Hampshire Technical Institute, Bad Corner, NH
Author, "The Kopprasch Connection," "Kopprasch for Fun and Profit,"
"Kopprasch for the New Millenium: Where Do you Fit In?" "Hooked on Hornonics,"
"What
If Saddam Had Given Ouday and Qusay Olds Ambassador or Conn Pan American
Single F Horns and a Kopprasch Book Instead of AK 47's, Booze and Porn?" and
"The
DaVinci Clam: Why the Mystery and is There a Divine Miracle for True Screw
Bell Ring Lubrication?"
Founder, Director and CEO, Universal Institute for the Study, Preservation
and Dissemination of Kopprasch Throughout the Solar System
Founder and Guru Extraordinaire, Hornaholics Anonymous
Grand Poobah of the Koppraschian Kult
Director and Program Manager, The All Kopprasch Channel (AKC), Kopprasch
Public Radio (KPR)
Host of The Kopprasch Factor on AKC and All Kopprasch Considered on KPR
Founder of Kopprasch Depot, your one stop shop for all you need!
Owner-Operator, Bad Corner Petroleum Laboratory, " The Worlds Largest Valve
Oil Factory"
Founder and Disseminator of CLAMSAA, the Universal Holiday for Horn Players
Interplanetarily Known Soloist and Artist of Record
Exclusive Bundy, Carl Fischer, Olds Ambassador, Sansone and Conn Artist Who
Does Not Get His Horns For Free
Phone: yes
Fax: yes
E-mail: yes
Website: no
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