Found this in my inbox from a while ago, thought it may make a few people smile.
How the Coach Stole Timmes (A Suessical Version)
Every School
Down in Chi-town
Liked Timmes a lot...
But the Coach,
Who lived just North of Chi-town,
Did NOT!
The Coach hated Timmes! The whole Timmes time!
Now, please don't ask why. No one knows reason or rhyme.
It could be that his head wasnt screwed on quite right.
It could be that his hiking boots were far too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his life vest was two sizes too small.
But,
Whatever the reason,
His vest or Doc Scholls,
He stood there on Thanksgiving, hating the Schools,
Staring down from his tower with a sour, Coachy frown
At the warm lighted windows below in Chi-town.
For he knew every School down in Chi-town below
Was busy now, writing names in the snow
"And they're hanging their dry suits!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Timmes! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his coach fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Timmes from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...
...All the School lads and tots
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their boats!
And then, oh the horror. Each boat FLOATS! FLOATS! FLOATS!!
That's one thing he hated! Boats the FLOAT! FLOAT! FLOAT! FLOAT!
Then the Schools, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would start on their salads, and cooked rare roast-beast
Which was something the Coach couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every School down in Chi-town, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Timmes tunes quaking
Theyd start bumping and grinding, moneymakers shaking!
They'd dance! And they'd dance!
AND they'd DANCE! DANCE! DANCE! DANCE!
And the more the Coach thought of the Timme Angsten dance
The more the Coach thought, "I must stop this first chance!
"Why for fifty-seven years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Timmes from coming!
...But HOW?"
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE COACH
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Coach laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Henri Lloyd hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Coach sorter!
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like John Porter!
"All I need is a 420..."
The Coach looked around.
But since 420s are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Coach...?
No! The Coach simply said,
"If I can't find a sailboat, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his dog Steve. Then he took some epoxy
And he shoved a big mast in, uh, well youll just see
THEN
He loaded some bags
And some old empty sleeves
On a ramshackle boat
And he hoped on old Steve.
Then the Coach said Starboard!"
And the boat started down
Toward the homes where the Schools
Lay a-snooze in Chi-town.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Schools were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the boat house in the square.
"This is stop number one," The old Coach hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. Likely a slippery cockroach.
But if Santa could do it, then so could the Coach.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little School dry suits all hung in a row.
"These dry suits," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most discreet,
Around the whole room, and he took every mainsheet!
Main blocks and jib leads! Tillers and rudders!
Tell tales, and clew pins! Even centerboards shuddered!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Coach, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the fridge. He took the School's feast!
He took the Schools salad! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that fridge as quick as a flash.
Why, that Coach even took their last can of Who-mash!
Then he stuffed all the gear up the chimney with a gloat.
"And NOW!" grinned the Coach, "I will stuff up the RC boat!"
And the Coach grabbed the boat, and he started to pull
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a mule.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small girl!
Little Kelly-Lou Schoo, who looked like a pearl.
The Coach had been caught by this little School sailer
Who'd got out of bed for a water filled bailer.
She stared at the Coach and said, "Santy Claus, why,
"Why are you taking our committee boat? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Coach was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little girl," the fake Santy Claus lied,
"There's a broken light on this boat clear on the port side.
"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
And his fib fooled the girlie. Then he patted her head
And he got her the bailer and he sent her to bed.
And when Kelly-Lou Schoo went to bed in her gown,
HE went to the dock and pushed the boat down!
Then the last thing he took
Were the bouys for the race
Then he went up the chimney himself, soot on his face.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some space.
And the one drop of Mo
The he left in the house
Was a drop that was even too small for B-rad.
Then
He did the same thing
To the other School's boat houses
Leaving drops
Much too small
For the other School's louses!
It was quarter past dawn...
All the sailors, still a-bed
All the sailors, still a-snooze
When he packed up his boat,
Packed it up with their gear, the sails, and the sheets!
The hiking straps, the mast step, and the frozen jib cleats!
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Sears Tower,
He rode to the tiptop so that her could then scour
"Pooh-pooh to the Schools!" he was coach-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Timmes is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"The all the Schools down in Chi-town will all cry BOO-HOO!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Coach,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Coach put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Chi-town!
The Grins popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every School down in Chi-town, the tall and the small,
Was dancing! Without any music at all!
He HADN'T stopped Timmes from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Coach, with his coach-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without protests! It came without starts!
"It came without lee bows, or Steve Bauers farts!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Coach thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Timmes," he thought, "doesn't come from results.
"Maybe Timmes...perhaps... comes for something that counts!"
And what happened then...?
Well...in Chi-town they say
That the Coach's small life vest
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his chest didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the boats! And the music for the bash!
And he...
The Coach was seen shaking his ass!
Now I filled your mailboxes with holiday cheer,
So Merry Christmas To ALL, and Happy New Year!
Krazy Karl Felger
Every School
Down in Chi-town
Liked Timmes a lot...
But the Coach,
Who lived just North of Chi-town,
Did NOT!
The Coach hated Timmes! The whole Timmes time!
Now, please don't ask why. No one knows reason or rhyme.
It could be that his head wasnt screwed on quite right.
It could be that his hiking boots were far too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his life vest was two sizes too small.
But,
Whatever the reason,
His vest or Doc Scholls,
He stood there on Thanksgiving, hating the Schools,
Staring down from his tower with a sour, Coachy frown
At the warm lighted windows below in Chi-town.
For he knew every School down in Chi-town below
Was busy now, writing names in the snow
"And they're hanging their dry suits!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Timmes! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his coach fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Timmes from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...
...All the School lads and tots
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their boats!
And then, oh the horror. Each boat FLOATS! FLOATS! FLOATS!!
That's one thing he hated! Boats the FLOAT! FLOAT! FLOAT! FLOAT!
Then the Schools, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would start on their salads, and cooked rare roast-beast
Which was something the Coach couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every School down in Chi-town, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Timmes tunes quaking
Theyd start bumping and grinding, moneymakers shaking!
They'd dance! And they'd dance!
AND they'd DANCE! DANCE! DANCE! DANCE!
And the more the Coach thought of the Timme Angsten dance
The more the Coach thought, "I must stop this first chance!
"Why for fifty-seven years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Timmes from coming!
...But HOW?"
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE COACH
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Coach laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Henri Lloyd hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Coach sorter!
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like John Porter!
"All I need is a 420..."
The Coach looked around.
But since 420s are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Coach...?
No! The Coach simply said,
"If I can't find a sailboat, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his dog Steve. Then he took some epoxy
And he shoved a big mast in, uh, well youll just see
THEN
He loaded some bags
And some old empty sleeves
On a ramshackle boat
And he hoped on old Steve.
Then the Coach said Starboard!"
And the boat started down
Toward the homes where the Schools
Lay a-snooze in Chi-town.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Schools were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the boat house in the square.
"This is stop number one," The old Coach hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. Likely a slippery cockroach.
But if Santa could do it, then so could the Coach.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little School dry suits all hung in a row.
"These dry suits," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most discreet,
Around the whole room, and he took every mainsheet!
Main blocks and jib leads! Tillers and rudders!
Tell tales, and clew pins! Even centerboards shuddered!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Coach, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the fridge. He took the School's feast!
He took the Schools salad! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that fridge as quick as a flash.
Why, that Coach even took their last can of Who-mash!
Then he stuffed all the gear up the chimney with a gloat.
"And NOW!" grinned the Coach, "I will stuff up the RC boat!"
And the Coach grabbed the boat, and he started to pull
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a mule.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small girl!
Little Kelly-Lou Schoo, who looked like a pearl.
The Coach had been caught by this little School sailer
Who'd got out of bed for a water filled bailer.
She stared at the Coach and said, "Santy Claus, why,
"Why are you taking our committee boat? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Coach was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little girl," the fake Santy Claus lied,
"There's a broken light on this boat clear on the port side.
"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
And his fib fooled the girlie. Then he patted her head
And he got her the bailer and he sent her to bed.
And when Kelly-Lou Schoo went to bed in her gown,
HE went to the dock and pushed the boat down!
Then the last thing he took
Were the bouys for the race
Then he went up the chimney himself, soot on his face.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some space.
And the one drop of Mo
The he left in the house
Was a drop that was even too small for B-rad.
Then
He did the same thing
To the other School's boat houses
Leaving drops
Much too small
For the other School's louses!
It was quarter past dawn...
All the sailors, still a-bed
All the sailors, still a-snooze
When he packed up his boat,
Packed it up with their gear, the sails, and the sheets!
The hiking straps, the mast step, and the frozen jib cleats!
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Sears Tower,
He rode to the tiptop so that her could then scour
"Pooh-pooh to the Schools!" he was coach-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Timmes is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"The all the Schools down in Chi-town will all cry BOO-HOO!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Coach,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Coach put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Chi-town!
The Grins popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every School down in Chi-town, the tall and the small,
Was dancing! Without any music at all!
He HADN'T stopped Timmes from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Coach, with his coach-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without protests! It came without starts!
"It came without lee bows, or Steve Bauers farts!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Coach thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Timmes," he thought, "doesn't come from results.
"Maybe Timmes...perhaps... comes for something that counts!"
And what happened then...?
Well...in Chi-town they say
That the Coach's small life vest
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his chest didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the boats! And the music for the bash!
And he...
The Coach was seen shaking his ass!
Now I filled your mailboxes with holiday cheer,
So Merry Christmas To ALL, and Happy New Year!
Krazy Karl Felger
Quantum Sail Design Group
Talk now to your Hotmail contacts with Windows Live Messenger.
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