What to do if you get a phone callfrom mars?
Talk slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit your
vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine: if you are speaking to
someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.
If he, she or it doesn't speak English? Hang up. There's no sense in
trying to learn Martian over the phone. If your Martian really had
something important to say to you, he, she or it would have taken the
trouble to learn the language before calling.
What to do if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter, he,
she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the conversation
as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the charges may have been
reversed.
What to do if reality disappears?
Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you can do about it.
It will probably be quite unpleasant.
What to do if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in. Don't
forget
to invent a time travelling machine and visit your younger self before you die,
or you will create a paradox. If you expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask
for the principles behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER,
ask
when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO (significant other).
What to do if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your
backyard?
First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any film, and,
given
the state of computer animation, no one will believe you anyway. Be polite.
Remember,
if they have an FTL hyperdrive, they can probably vapourise you, should they
find
you to be rude. Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they
probably
wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.
What to do if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
closet
contains an alternate dimension?
Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back, and
alternate
dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm and go back to bed. Close the
door
first, so that the cat does not wander off. Check your closet in the morning.
If
it still contains an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
Flying to the Moon
Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon. After a while you'd run
out of air to push against.
--
$you = new YOU;
honk() if $you->love(perl);
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