bismi-lLah wa-lhamdu li-lLah wa-shshalatu wa-ssalamu 'ala rasuli-lLah
wa 'ala alihi wa ashhabihi wa ma-wwalah, amma ba'd, assalamu 'alaikum.
dear brother and sister, i pray that this meets you all in the best of
health and in strong ieman insya Allah. may Allah azza wa jalla allow
us all to be able to perform the fardl/obiligatory and the sunnah in
the hope that as means for us to gain closeness to Him - may He also
pardon us of our shortcomings and accept our deeds, no matter how small
or insignificant they may seem to us, amien.
well, i just can't help it; i do't feel like keeping the article i've
just read to myself.
subhanaka- lLahumma wa bihamdiKa asyhadu alla Ilaha illa
Anta,astaghfiruKa wa atubu ilaiK. wassalamu 'alaikum
MUSLIM FAMILY: MARRIAGE, MYTH AND REALITY
[By Wahida C. Valiante]
==========================================================
Although families have many roles and functions, their main value lies
in the web of intricate relationships they weave, which are
irreplaceable by any other social form or structure. Everyone is born
into a family, has lived in a family, knows a family, and is related to
a family either by marriage, adoption, or birth. Each member of the
family is bound to it by biological, psychological, social, economic,
emotional and religious bonds.
Therefore, the stability of any society or civilization hinges on a
healthy balance and interchange among family members in helping to
create strong self-identity and the moral and religious values of
society at large.
In our postmodern era, the social phenomena of rampant divorce, cyclic
family violence, deconstruction of traditional family units, and
dramatic changes in gender roles, all pose complex and intriguing
challenges -- not only for Muslims, but to human civilization as a
whole. Many problems affecting Muslim families today are universal ones
that can and do occur in virtually any geographic area or social
setting; however, the biggestchallenges to contemporary marriage are
rooted very deeply in the NorthAmerican social upheaval of the 1960s,
along with media-created myths and fairytales. According to Dr. Ilyas
Ba-Yunus, a professor at East-WestUniversity in Chicago, the Muslim
community's divorce rate (especiallyamong the young) is almost 40%,
compared to 50-52% in the generalpopulation. In Saudi Arabia 70,000
marriages and 13,000 divorces wererecorded in 2003; in the city of
Riyadh alone there were 8,500 marriagesand 3,000 divorces in 2002 (Arab
News, 2004).
Sadly, Muslims have bought into the same myth of Hollywood and
Bollywood love that focuses on self-gratification, narcissism and the
"me first" mantra that surfaced so unashamedly in the 1980s. In the
mythical land of movies, the love struck hero and heroine sail through
difficulties by singing, dancing and drinking and live "happily ever
after," feeding the illusory expectation that this will indeed happen
to ordinary folks in real life. The media and corporate consumer
society work overtime feeding the profitable myth that (to paraphrase
the hit Beatles song) "all you need is love"; and that love -- or
perhaps, hormonally driven infatuation -- is the universal solvent in
which all difficulties and problems automatically dissolve.
The idea of entering into marriage for practical reasons, such as
carrying on a family lineage, preserving cultural tradition, or to
protect property ownership, is considered a remnant of bygone times.
Today we are told that marriage is all about love and happiness, yet
too few in our society understand either of these concepts. There is
nothing wrong with the emotional escapism and entertainment value of
Bollywood or Hollywood romantic love -- as long as it is rooted in
everyday life within the framework of reality, rather than in a make-
believe fantasy land of effortless happiness.
Much has been said about the value of individual freedom and the
pursuit of happiness as a panacea for our modern ills. But the idea
that unlimited freedom necessarily leads to happiness is one of the
mass media’s grand illusions that currently dominate our
emotional folklore. Freedom without a good dose of mature
responsibility offers neither happiness nor fulfillment. Such a narrow
perception, based on one's own needs, wishes, and desires, is in fact
anti-family because it eliminates the very necessary components of
self-discipline and self-denial.
In our all-consuming orgy of seeking happiness through material goods
and services -- everything from diamonds to "radical makeover" surgery
--marriage, like free sex, is viewed more and more as just another
luxury item that's available in abundance and just as easily discarded
when seemingly better models come along. In fact, romantic love as a
motivation for marriage is a distortion more aptly described as
erotica, or purely sexual attraction, which is nothing less than
commercial in its ideology.
Sexuality is not denied in the Qur’an, as in the teachings of
some other religions; but neither is it confused with the true values
that establish healthy relationships, such as care, compassion and
mercy.
Closely allied to the contemporary illusions of romantic love, are the
unrealistic expectations most couples have of the rewards and
satisfaction to be found in marriage. Again, much of the problem stems
from the over-glamorization of marriage in mass advertising. "In ads,
handsome, well dressed young couples drive off to party or clubs in a
new model car, unload their children at day care or baby sitters, and
there is no visual presence of parents or extended family members,"
says one source. "As a matter of fact, kids are so perfect even babies
don’t cry, burp, vomit, or get sick."
Despite the increasing divorce rates, we still cling to the convenient
myth that when a man marries a woman, the two will automatically
coalesce into one harmonious unit. Perhaps this is a carryover of the
old Biblical notion of marriage ("and he shall cleave unto his wife:
and they shall become one flesh"), or maybe it is also the natural
outcome of our media-manipulated minds to believe that marriage is one
long blissful honeymoon that meets all our desires, wants, and needs.
The Qur’an, however, does not consider marriage as the coalescing
of two individuals into one unit, nor does it endorse the
authority-and-subservience concept of husband in relation to wife.
Rather, the relationship is described as "mithaq" -- a firm and strong
marriage contract between two independent and autonomous consenting
adults of sound body and mind. There is great and timeless wisdom in
this Qur’anic arrangement which offers a radical contrast (and
challenge!) to our postmodern values, when everything, including the
much-abused term "love," is measured in terms of money, power and
greed.
The crucial point here is that Islamic social order does not negate the
individual, or replace his/her personality in marriage. Everyone is
answerable for their own deeds and actions, so individual
responsibility and individuality are complemented rather than
threatened: according to the Qur’an, individuality is neither
reducible nor transferable.
Qur’anic teaching understands human nature intimately and thus
provides rules and laws accordingly so that our behaviors and family
relationships are less likely to be "dysfunctional." Muslims should
look to the Qur’an for guidance in seeking and establishing
healthy male-female relationships, for without this wisdom and
discernment in love, there can be no healthy family or society.
(Wahida Valiante is a social worker and family therapist. She has
presented several major papers nationally and internationally on family
therapy based
on the Qur’anic concept of human personality and human
relationships. She is also a cyber-counselor with Islamonline and is
national vice-president
of the Canadian Islamic Congress. She can be reached at [EMAIL PROTECTED])
Leo Imanov
Abdu-lLah
AllahsSlave
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{Invite (mankind, O Muhammad ) to the Way of your Lord (i.e. Islam) with wisdom
(i.e. with the Divine Inspiration and the Qur'an) and fair preaching, and argue
with them in a way that is better. Truly, your Lord knows best who has gone
astray from His Path, and He is the Best Aware of those who are guided.}
(Holy Quran-16:125)
{And who is better in speech than he who [says: "My Lord is Allah (believes in
His Oneness)," and then stands straight (acts upon His Order), and] invites
(men) to Allah's (Islamic Monotheism), and does righteous deeds, and says: "I
am one of the Muslims."} (Holy Quran-41:33)
The prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: "By Allah, if
Allah guides one person by you, it is better for you than the best types of
camels." [al-Bukhaaree, Muslim]
The prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) also said, "Whoever
calls to guidance will have a reward similar to the reward of the one who
follows him, without the reward of either of them being lessened at all."
[Muslim, Ahmad, Aboo Daawood, an-Nasaa'ee, at-Tirmidhee, Ibn Maajah]
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