Answered by Wajihah Gregor
When my two Muslim friends and I were at school, friend #1 took out a bag of Skittles which is known to contain gelatin. She offered them to me and I refused. When friend #2 took some, I warned her that there was gelatin in it. They said it didnt
matter because it could be fruit gelatin. I told them it was better not to take the risk, so they didn't eat it. Then we started talking about eating out. Friend #2 told me that she eats chicken outside (unslaughtered Islamically).
Afterwards, I went home and emailed the Skittles company and they told me that the gelatin was from beef so I emailed that to friend #2 and told her as well that she is wrong to be eating chicken from American places knowing that it is haram. After that, our emails turned into arguments. I know they should not have gone that way, but sadly they did. She started pointing out my shortcomings and insisted that she was right. She said most halal stores that sell meat are usually not really halal and that we can't trust them. All I thought I was doing was helping a Muslim sister by showing her the right way, but it backfired on me.
It's been three weeks since then, and we haven't spoken. We ended our emails wishing eachother good luck for the semester and that was the end of it. I have no animosity against her nor do Ii dislike her -I just feel like it wasn't fair on her behalf to target my bad characteristics rather than accepting what I was saying about eating unlawful food.
What do you think about this? Those I have told about this situation, (my husband and sister for example) believe that the conversation shouldn't have taken that turn. They say that I shoud talk to her and that is the best thing for me to do, but for some reason, I am happier not speaking to her. I do feel guilty soemtimes becasuse she is much older than me..
Is it a sin for us not to talk to eachother? I know we are supposed to love eachother for the sake of Allah, but it is so difficult when such words had been exchanged. Now we act as though we don't even know eachother.
Afterwards, I went home and emailed the Skittles company and they told me that the gelatin was from beef so I emailed that to friend #2 and told her as well that she is wrong to be eating chicken from American places knowing that it is haram. After that, our emails turned into arguments. I know they should not have gone that way, but sadly they did. She started pointing out my shortcomings and insisted that she was right. She said most halal stores that sell meat are usually not really halal and that we can't trust them. All I thought I was doing was helping a Muslim sister by showing her the right way, but it backfired on me.
It's been three weeks since then, and we haven't spoken. We ended our emails wishing eachother good luck for the semester and that was the end of it. I have no animosity against her nor do Ii dislike her -I just feel like it wasn't fair on her behalf to target my bad characteristics rather than accepting what I was saying about eating unlawful food.
What do you think about this? Those I have told about this situation, (my husband and sister for example) believe that the conversation shouldn't have taken that turn. They say that I shoud talk to her and that is the best thing for me to do, but for some reason, I am happier not speaking to her. I do feel guilty soemtimes becasuse she is much older than me..
Is it a sin for us not to talk to eachother? I know we are supposed to love eachother for the sake of Allah, but it is so difficult when such words had been exchanged. Now we act as though we don't even know eachother.
In the Name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful
Dear Sister,
Asalaamu 'Alaikum wa Rahmatu Llahi wa Barakatuhu -
Insha'Allah this message reaches you in the best of health and well being.
Constructively giving, and genuinely receiving, sincere advice is a fundamental part of religious growth. It is reported that the Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, said "The Religion is good counsel."
Thus, exchanging knowledge and advice is one of the greatest benefits of being part of our vast and dynamic Ummah. Your intention to advise the sister about the Skittles was clearly to help her preserve her religious practice, and you were within the bounds of sisterhood in doing so.
However, if your advice was met with resentment or animosity, you may want to look at how you presented the advice and what was your manner therein. Harsh, direct, or accusatory advice often does more harm than good. Even the very best of people can be put off by callous and abrupt statements that seem judgmental.
Before we answer your question concerning maintaining ties with the sister, let's briefly review some effective methods in offering advice. It is in our best interests to critically analyze our communication techniques in offering advice for the best interests of those we want to uplift and help.
The following are just a few things for us to keep in mind when offering advice:
1) Before giving advice to another Believer, whole-heartedly set your intention for Allah Most High. Ask Allah to help you present the advice in an accurate and beautiful manner and to help them receive it openly.
2) Give the advice privately. No one likes to be the center of negative or controversial attention. A person is more apt to openly receive advice when they do not feel threatened by the judgment of others.
3) Offer the advice in an indirect way. Instead of saying, "Such and such is unlawful!", try and say something like "I heard that there may be something doubtful in this, and I am not comfortable with it, why don't we investigate this more before embarking on it?" With a gentle conversation opener such as this, you are in a more influential position to offer your advice and have it heard and received.
4) Express your conviction in the good nature of the person you are addressing. Assure the person you are advising that you know he or she is a strong person who has sound reason and good morals.
5) Communicate a sense of "We-ness". So that the person does not feel they are being talked down to or scolded like a child, express that this is just as much a matter of concern to you as it is for them. Together, find solutions and answers.
We also find an abundant amount of examples on offering advice and guidance from the noble Prophetic biography, which highlights the most gentle and indirect ways the Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, guided people to ultimate salvation and felicity.
According to a report narrated by Usaamah ibn Zayd, he said: "The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) sent us out on a military campaign and we reached al-Haraqaat near Juhaynah in the morning. [During the battle] I caught a man and he said, 'Laa ila ha ila-Allah,' but I stabbed him. Then I felt bad about that, and I mentioned it to the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace). The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, 'He said Laa ila ha ila Allaah and you killed him?' I said, 'O Messenger of Allah, he only said it because he was afraid of my weapon.' He said, 'How can you know what is in his heart? How can you be sure whether he was sincere or not?' He kept repeating this until I wished that I had not become Muslim until that day." (Reported by Muslim, no. 69)
You can see from this report that even when one of the most severe circumstances was presented to the Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, he used the most gentle approach possible. The simple question presented by the Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, - 'How can you know what is in his heart? How can you be sure whether he was sincere or not?' - showed the tremendous magnitude of this action to Ali, may Allah be pleased with him. So effective was this gentle, somewhat rhetorical approach, that our Master 'Ali, wished he hadn't become Muslim until that day, so that any potential sin may be erased from his record.
In addition to learning from the Prophetic biography, contemporary books on communication and conflict resolution offer bullet-point methods to state one's position in the least threatening and non-confrontational manner.
Now let's address your question concerning maintaining ties with a fellow Believer.
We are commanded to maintain ties with Believers in a general way and have the best wishes and hopes for them, void of rancor, suspicion, negative feelings, and resentment. At the same time, we need not have a personal, close-knit, friendly relationship with every Believer.
It is only natural that some people are closer to you than others, and often similarity in religious practice plays a role in that. You need not spend time with the sister and befriend her, though she deserves your best opinion. If the opportunity arises, do make the effort to give her your 'salaams' when you see her. Do your best to make it clear to the sister that although you have different opinions concerning religious practice, she is still your sister in the religion and that you are loyal to that Divine bond.
Was-salaam.
Dear Sister,
Asalaamu 'Alaikum wa Rahmatu Llahi wa Barakatuhu -
Insha'Allah this message reaches you in the best of health and well being.
Constructively giving, and genuinely receiving, sincere advice is a fundamental part of religious growth. It is reported that the Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, said "The Religion is good counsel."
Thus, exchanging knowledge and advice is one of the greatest benefits of being part of our vast and dynamic Ummah. Your intention to advise the sister about the Skittles was clearly to help her preserve her religious practice, and you were within the bounds of sisterhood in doing so.
However, if your advice was met with resentment or animosity, you may want to look at how you presented the advice and what was your manner therein. Harsh, direct, or accusatory advice often does more harm than good. Even the very best of people can be put off by callous and abrupt statements that seem judgmental.
Before we answer your question concerning maintaining ties with the sister, let's briefly review some effective methods in offering advice. It is in our best interests to critically analyze our communication techniques in offering advice for the best interests of those we want to uplift and help.
The following are just a few things for us to keep in mind when offering advice:
1) Before giving advice to another Believer, whole-heartedly set your intention for Allah Most High. Ask Allah to help you present the advice in an accurate and beautiful manner and to help them receive it openly.
2) Give the advice privately. No one likes to be the center of negative or controversial attention. A person is more apt to openly receive advice when they do not feel threatened by the judgment of others.
3) Offer the advice in an indirect way. Instead of saying, "Such and such is unlawful!", try and say something like "I heard that there may be something doubtful in this, and I am not comfortable with it, why don't we investigate this more before embarking on it?" With a gentle conversation opener such as this, you are in a more influential position to offer your advice and have it heard and received.
4) Express your conviction in the good nature of the person you are addressing. Assure the person you are advising that you know he or she is a strong person who has sound reason and good morals.
5) Communicate a sense of "We-ness". So that the person does not feel they are being talked down to or scolded like a child, express that this is just as much a matter of concern to you as it is for them. Together, find solutions and answers.
We also find an abundant amount of examples on offering advice and guidance from the noble Prophetic biography, which highlights the most gentle and indirect ways the Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, guided people to ultimate salvation and felicity.
According to a report narrated by Usaamah ibn Zayd, he said: "The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) sent us out on a military campaign and we reached al-Haraqaat near Juhaynah in the morning. [During the battle] I caught a man and he said, 'Laa ila ha ila-Allah,' but I stabbed him. Then I felt bad about that, and I mentioned it to the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace). The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, 'He said Laa ila ha ila Allaah and you killed him?' I said, 'O Messenger of Allah, he only said it because he was afraid of my weapon.' He said, 'How can you know what is in his heart? How can you be sure whether he was sincere or not?' He kept repeating this until I wished that I had not become Muslim until that day." (Reported by Muslim, no. 69)
You can see from this report that even when one of the most severe circumstances was presented to the Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, he used the most gentle approach possible. The simple question presented by the Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, - 'How can you know what is in his heart? How can you be sure whether he was sincere or not?' - showed the tremendous magnitude of this action to Ali, may Allah be pleased with him. So effective was this gentle, somewhat rhetorical approach, that our Master 'Ali, wished he hadn't become Muslim until that day, so that any potential sin may be erased from his record.
In addition to learning from the Prophetic biography, contemporary books on communication and conflict resolution offer bullet-point methods to state one's position in the least threatening and non-confrontational manner.
Now let's address your question concerning maintaining ties with a fellow Believer.
We are commanded to maintain ties with Believers in a general way and have the best wishes and hopes for them, void of rancor, suspicion, negative feelings, and resentment. At the same time, we need not have a personal, close-knit, friendly relationship with every Believer.
It is only natural that some people are closer to you than others, and often similarity in religious practice plays a role in that. You need not spend time with the sister and befriend her, though she deserves your best opinion. If the opportunity arises, do make the effort to give her your 'salaams' when you see her. Do your best to make it clear to the sister that although you have different opinions concerning religious practice, she is still your sister in the religion and that you are loyal to that Divine bond.
Was-salaam.
saiyed shahbazi
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{Invite (mankind, O Muhammad ) to the Way of your Lord (i.e. Islam) with wisdom (i.e. with the Divine Inspiration and the Qur'an) and fair preaching, and argue with them in a way that is better. Truly, your Lord knows best who has gone astray from His Path, and He is the Best Aware of those who are guided.} (Holy Quran-16:125)
{And who is better in speech than he who [says: "My Lord is Allah (believes in His Oneness)," and then stands straight (acts upon His Order), and] invites (men) to Allah's (Islamic Monotheism), and does righteous deeds, and says: "I am one of the Muslims."} (Holy Quran-41:33)
The prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: "By Allah, if Allah guides one person by you, it is better for you than the best types of camels." [al-Bukhaaree, Muslim]
The prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) also said, "Whoever calls to guidance will have a reward similar to the reward of the one who follows him, without the reward of either of them being lessened at all." [Muslim, Ahmad, Aboo Daawood, an-Nasaa'ee, at-Tirmidhee, Ibn Maajah]
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