http://www.theverge.com/2013/8/14/4618718/hacker-depression-def-con
By Adrianne Jeffries
The Verge
August 14, 2013
It was a late night in May. Renderman, the computer hacker notorious for
discovering that outdated air traffic control software could be used to
reroute planes mid-flight, was feeling shitty. The stress of digging
himself out of debt he’d accumulated during years of underemployment was
compounded by the feeling of being trapped in a job he hated. He was
forgetful and couldn’t focus on anything. “Depression has sapped my
motivation and lust for life,” he later wrote. “I can't remember the last
time I worked on a project ... it's like I'm a ghost in my own life. Just
existing but with no form ... I’m most definitely not myself.”
Feeling slightly buzzed after a few beers, he decided to speak out. “My
name is Renderman and I suffer from depression,” he tweeted.
Within minutes, other hackers started responding.
"I just feel so helpless in the real world, so I dive into my own world
(computers)," wrote user GuloGuloDesu. "My issue comes that once the
depression hits it takes everything away. I just feel like a bump on a
log, I don't want to do anything. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't
read, I just sit there and stare off into space."
"As much as I'd like to meet new people, my anxiety has me so
self-conscious that I hardly talk to anyone," wrote another user, Matir,
who has been living with depression and social anxiety for 15 years.
Another user named FOOK@ recalled standing in the kitchen with a butcher
knife, "blood pooling in the sink," before beginning a recovery that took
two and a half years.
I met Renderman, real name Brad Haines, at the Def Con hacker convention
in Las Vegas three months after he spilled his guts online. He was wearing
a pair of goggles strapped to his hat that displayed two reptilian green
eyes, blinking asymmetrically, and a black shirt with "KGB is watching
you" stitched over the breast pocket. Beer in hand, he admitted that he is
still struggling with depression and has had thoughts of suicide. Still,
he was encouraged by the reaction to his public confession.
[...]
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