<color><param>7F00,0000,0000</param> > The truth revealed....... > > Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. > Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer > anticlockwise. > > Haynes: This is a snug fit. > Translation: You will skin your knuckles! > > Haynes: This is a tight fit. > Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! > > Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... > Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now </color>you <color><param>7F00,0000,0000</param>> are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox. > > Haynes: Pry... > Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... > > Haynes: Undo... > Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size). > > Haynes: Retain tiny spring... > Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"! > > Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... > Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to </color>dig <color><param>7F00,0000,0000</param>> out the bayonet part. > > Haynes: Lightly... > Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your </color>forehead <color><param>7F00,0000,0000</param>> are throbbing them re-check the manual because this can not be 'lightly' </color>what <color><param>7F00,0000,0000</param>> you are doing now. > > Haynes: Weekly checks... > Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it! > > Haynes: Routine maintenance... > Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be! > > Haynes: One spanner rating. > Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it </color>up? <color><param>7F00,0000,0000</param>> > Haynes: Two spanner rating. > Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, > tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map </color>of <color><param>7F00,0000,0000</param>> the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). > > Haynes: Three spanner rating. > Translation: But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you think > three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job. > > Haynes: Four spanner rating. > Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb! > > Haynes: Five spanner rating. > Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!! > > Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... > Translation: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! > > Haynes: Compress... > Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, > throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for > whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath. > > Haynes: Inspect... > Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are </color>looking <color><param>7F00,0000,0000</param>> at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, > it's going to need a new one"! > > Haynes: Carefully... > Translation: You are about to cut yourself! > > Haynes: Retaining nut... > Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. > > Haynes: Get an assistant... > Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. > > Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed. > Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. > Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start </color>to <color><param>7F00,0000,0000</param>> feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs. > > Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. > Translation: But you swear in different places. > > Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... > Translation: Snap off... > > Haynes: Using a suitable drift... > Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift! > > Haynes: Everyday toolkit > Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone > > Haynes: Apply moderate heat... > Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat. > > Haynes: Index > Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to </color>do! <color><param>7F00,0000,0000</param>> > For Added Haynes Fun: > Go to the first section, Safety First, and read the bit about Hydrofluoric > Acid - do you really want the advice of a book that uses this form of > understatement???!!? > > Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at </color>these <color><param>7F00,0000,0000</param>> two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in "mine will never > look like that..." <nofill> Mike Dunstan 1974 Jensen-Healey Reading, England _______________________________________________________________________ This message comes to you by way of the Jensen-cars mailing list. Guidelines plus subscribe and unsubscribe info at: <http://www.british-steel.org/faq/jensen-cars.html>
