Effective
immediately...!! DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to
your Salary. If we see you wearing
$350 Prada sneakers &carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do
not need a raise. If you dress
poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you
do not need a raise. If you dress
in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to
the doctor, you are able tocome to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee
here, you need all your organs.
You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment. PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They
are called Saturday
&Sunday. VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time
every year. The vacation days are
as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25 BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can
do for dead friends, relatives
or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases
where employee involvement is
necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently
leave one hour early, provided
your share of the work is done enough. ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at
least two weeks notice as it
is your duty to train your own replacement. RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In
the future, we will follow the practice
of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00
to 8:20, employees whose
names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be
necessary to wait until the next
day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker.
Both employees'
supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be
taken. After your second
offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders"
category. LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat
more so that they can look
healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced
meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to
drink a Slim Fast and take a
diet pill. *Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to
provide a positive employment
experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,
aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should
be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. The Management |