Hey all- I think my e-mail sort of started that, so I wanted to clarify my position a bit.
I didn't intend to say that I disbelieved the abused in this situation, whether it be Colin, Deb Shea, whoever was at the receiving end of the stick of Marcel's emails. I do believe that those emails were abusive, the pattern of them, and their content. And people who were feeling the abuse should speak out about it. And should be believed. On the other side, I also believe in rehabilitation. I think that simply vilifying Marcel and chucking him off the list, and ending it all there, isn't a great way to end the situation. I support Les in his decision to do what he chose to do. And it seems to me that Marcel probably needed to get booted in order to really understand that lots of people felt his behavior was truly unacceptable. But I also have talked to Marcel about *my* having been upset about my email communication with him, and my opinion, what I've concluded, is that he did not perceive his behavior as abusive, nor did he really understand why I did. And why others do. I think he fell into an unhealthy pattern of interaction - which had the effect of making a bunch of people hate him, and then of course I think he probably felt he was being hated simply for expressing dissenting opinions. Which of course was not the situation. Now, as for me, I really was bummed that it didn't seem like there was any way for Marcel to learn from the experience if he never was "enlightened" as to why a lot of people were upset with him. Very strongly upset. And since he is still out there in this world, and on the internet, I personally believe that life would be better for him and those who encounter him if he were to learn better ways of expressing his dissenting opinions than bombarding people with persistent off-list condescending and insulting emails - he could learn to communicate without abuse. I mean, I believe that criminals who do things much more serious than that should be rehabilitated so that they can become fully functioning community members! I am not one who wants criminals held in a pen for the rest of their lives so that society can feel more comfortable without them. They do have to learn to change their behaviors. And when they do change their behaviors, they should be accepted back into society as full-functioning members. Right? Not discriminated against in hiring. Not kept from renting apartments. Etc. So I think, in parallel, though Marcel didn't commit a crime, per se, he did stuff that we as a community (or at least many of us, including Les who is the ultimate decision-maker) feel is unacceptable behavior. Behavior unacceptable enough that it requires top-down action. That's fine. But personally, I wish that we had (or someone had, or Les had, or something) outlined a way that Marcel - or anyone kicked off the list - could come back to the list after a certain time with conditional membership. And at the same time, maybe Marcel could have had a "buddy" who would be in offlist communication with him to help make sure that he doesn't post abusively to others. And that buddy would automatically be cc'ed or forwarded off-list posts, or whatever. I'm sure Marcel would feel diminished by that situation, and would probably reject it, because let's face it, it is kind of humiliating. But I think maybe we could have found a system that is less humiliating but would accomplish the same purpose. And in fact, maybe instead of it being imposed as a punishment it could be framed as a helping tool. I mean, hey, you're back, you've said you will change your patterns of responding to people and be careful about it, and here is someone who is volunteering to help out for a little while to raise the warning flags for you until you recognize them easily yourself. So I am not unsympathetic to those abused in this situation. I'm not! I am very EMpathtetic, in fact. But that doesn't mean I want to be blind to the fact that the perpetrator is also a human being. And can change. And in fact, should be offered help in changing. I am not supporting Marcel's behavior in those situations. But I do think about both sides of it. And my beliefs about human beings and societies does not allow me to feel good about anyone being booted from the list without a delineation of what steps s/he could take to be embraced as a member once again. And now that I think about it, because I am willing to speak up now, on Marcel's behalf, I should also have spoken on earlier, on Colin and Debra et al's behalf, when I agreed with their basic claims that abuse was going on. I apologize for not speaking out at that time. I did think what was going on was wrong. But that doesn't change the fact that I sort of think the situation now is wrong, too. On the other hand I do feel conflicted about the notion that a list member would feel uncomfortable and want to leave the list were Marcel to come back, the way a battered woman wouldn't want her abuser back in her house, even if he were to say "hey hon, I've been rehabilitated! can I come back now?" But I guess the question is, is the list equivalent to the house or to the larger community? Are we family all, or are we a neighborhood? I leave that open... -Yael
