skip this if you are not interested...these are only excerpts from oodles of information out there on verbal & emotional abuse...here are just a few of the websites that i got this info from:
http://www.verbalabuse.com/indexmain.shtml http://drirene.com/ http://www.studentaffairs.cmu.edu/counseling/documents/emotion.htm http://www.obgyn.net/displayarticle.asp?page=/yw/articles/Romeopart6 Bully behaviors: 7 an aggressive counter-attack of counter-criticism or counter-allegation, often based on distortion or fabrication. Lying, deception, duplicity, hypocrisy and blame are the hallmarks of this stage. The purpose is to avoid answering the question and thus avoid accepting responsibility for their behavior. Often the target is tempted - or coerced - into giving another long explanation to prove the bully's allegation false; by the time the explanation is complete, everybody has forgotten the original question. 7 counter-attack being insufficient, the bully feigns victim hood by manipulating people through their emotions, especially guilt. This commonly takes the form of bursting into tears, which most people cannot handle. The bully wins by default. Variations include indulgent self-pity, feigning indignation, melodrama, martyrdom and a poor-me drama. 7 manipulating people's perceptions to portray themselves as the injured party and the target as the villain of the piece. Sometimes the bully will suddenly claim to be suffering "stress". Alleged ill-health can also be a useful vehicle for gaining attention and sympathy. 7 A further advantage of the denial/counter-attack/feigning victim hood strategy is that it acts as a provocation. The target, who may have taken months to reach this stage, sees their tormentor getting away with it and is provoked into an angry and emotional outburst after which the bully says simply "There, I told you s/he was like that". Thus the bully plays their master stroke and casts their victim as villain. When called to account for the way they have chosen to behave, mature adults do not respond by bursting into tears. If you're dealing with a bully who has just exhibited this avoidance tactic, sit passively and draw attention to the pattern of behavior they've just exhibited, and then the purpose of the tactic. Then repeat the original question. Bullies project their inadequacies, shortcomings, behaviors etc on to other people to avoid facing up to their inadequacy and doing something about it (learning about oneself can be painful), and to distract and divert attention away from themselves and their inadequacies. Projection is achieved through blame, criticism and allegation; once you realize this, every criticism, allegation etc that the bully makes about their target is actually an admission or revelation about themselves. This knowledge can be used to perceive the bully's own misdemeanors; for instance, when the allegations are of financial or sexual impropriety, it is likely that the bully has committed these acts; when the bully makes an allegation of abuse (such allegations tend to be vague and non-specific), it is likely to be the bully who has committed the abuse. Mediation with this type of individual is inappropriate. Bullies regard mediation (and arbitration, conciliation, negotiation etc) as appeasement, which they ruthlessly exploit; it allows them to give the impression in public that they are negotiating and being conciliatory, whilst in private they continue the bullying. The lesson of the twentieth century is that you do not appease aggressors. Abuse is always about CONTROL. Whether it is verbal abuse, emotional abuse, or physical abuse, IT IS ABOUT CONTROLLING YOUR PARTNER, subtly or openly. 7 Never forget that your partner's objective is to engage you in a fight; to provoke and provoke and provoke until you lose your cool and blow up 7 Do not take the things your partner says personally. They are not about you. They are about your partner's attempt to engage you 7 Never, ever defend your position. That puts you in a one-down position. Yo u have no reason to explain yourself to anyone (but yourself). You don't need anyone's permission or approval. Don't bother trying to change someone's mind or make them see your point. It doesn't matter. When you defend yourself, you put yourself in the position of justifying your actions to others. You seek understanding, agreement, empathy, recognition of what's really going on, etc. This is OK in an ordinary relationship. It's not OK in an abusive one: 7 One characteristic of all abused men is shame. I've never met a woman who could hold as much shame as these men do. It cripples them. Society amplifies it. It is as though their souls are crucified - they are nailed and held immobile by nails of shame. All of them say one thing - in one way or another: "I am no longer a man." I can see a mans shame. It's PITIFUL. They spend more effort hiding their shame than anything else. It is their last piece of humanity that they cling to 7 Female abusers seem to tend to look for victims who are either very logical or very idealistic. I think this is necessary for them because they need something to be fixed and immovable in the mans mind upon which she can crucify the man's self image 7 Abusers justify their displays of anger or disrespect by blaming the partner. The spouse, usually over-responsible, emotional, and codependent 7 The abuser's self-absorption and expectations spawn imbalance: The relationship is one-sided and is exclusively focused on meeting the emotional needs of the angry person. The abused partner's emotional needs are seldom met -- and are often actively thwarted. The active thwarting of the abused partner's emotional needs is often the provocation 7 Emotional closeness and reciprocity threaten the little power angry people have. Closeness and reciprocity imply the ability to honestly accept one's own imperfections; to be wrong, lose, give up, give in. Clinging to rigid standards of perfection, the abusive individual cannot operate honestly. Honest reality is dangerous. It threatens the little emotional stuff being right affords. Therefore, what-really-happened-in-the-world has to be bent. The angry person must "be right" to feel ok -- even if reality has to be reinvented to justify the angry persons perspective. This manipulation ensures that the abuser is "right," and gets the partner to "agree." 7 The abusive individual's problem is rooted in self-absorption. The ability to consider the other person's point of view is obliterated by the absorption with perceived attack, self-defense, etc 7 Insecure or shy people are most vulnerable to abusive partners. Controlling people are often expert pursuers 7 The angry person does not allow their partner to be angry with them. If you are angry at them, they get even angrier with you 7 The angry person is emotionally needy and may feel neglected or jealous when their partner spends time with close friends or family members, their stepchildren, even their own children 7 The angry person does not know how to trust 7 My personal experience with attempting to communicate with an abuser is simply: they speak a different language than their partner. (Let's call it "MeMe.") That is an easy way to sum up the many different statements they use to control, frighten, confuse, or intimidate their partners. Normal mentally healthy persons in a relationship use language to consciously convey their thoughts to their partner. Abusers however use language to manipulate their partners into giving them what they want. Sometimes consciously, sometimes not. In fact, I believe that abusers learn to use manipulation so well, that it actually becomes a language to them, and they eventually lose conscious control of their responses 7 Their language is actually a tool to protect themselves from emotional exposure. Even when their relationships appear to be even-keeled, they are often setting themselves up for future verbal victories. I say that since having studied this matter intricately, I can accurately predict my partners response to given circumstances - which would have resulted in emotional exposure nearly every time. This makes it very clear to me that there has never been any communication nor can there ever be without intense professional therapy. And even then, its an "if." Abusers are so afraid to expose themselves and so bent on control that they know no other way. They can't speak our language. They have no idea how to speak a language that would require considering the needs and wants of others 7 I believe that after food and shelter, the most basic human need is to be understood and accepted. That's why I also believe that the lack of communication is by far the most frustrating and destructive part of the abusive relationship. You can't even solve minor issues involving children or finance without being attacked or accused of attacking. That is what really wears the partner down. Not their rage and anger, but your daily frustration and loneliness 7 Usually partners try reasoning with them about all sides being given a fair chance to talk. What they don't realize is that abusers don't really care what their partners are saying so it serves them no purpose to listen. In fact, the abuser would prefer that the partner not talk and simply accept their assertions as Gospel. When the partner learns this, they can truly have an understanding of the hopelessness of fixing an abusive relationship without professional counseling. Their is no possibility of communication if one of the parties is determined not to communicate 7 This is an easy way for the abuser to avoid addressing your concerns, remain in control, change the subject, and launch a counter attack. You may also notice that this avoids answering a question. Abusers DO NOT ANSWER QUESTIONS!!! That is perceived by them as giving up control. They generally answer a question with a question in attempt to through the partner off balance and regain control. They will do this repeatedly until you capitulate or until they provoke an argument. This also has the added benefit of teaching the partner not to bring any complaints to the attention of the abuser. The second form is to accuse the partner of whatever the partner accuses them of 7 Only the Abuser's feelings count. He throws a little guilt in the pot for good measure. The Victim's reaction to the Abuser's mis-behavior is turned around, against her. This interaction went by too fast; she knew something went wrong, but felt lost 7 The abuser actively looks for excuses to blow up over, and may set their partner up in a no-win situation If you possess a strong sense of responsibility, Controllers will use it against you. Understanding how to prevent a Controller from manipulating your conscience is key in learning how to "counter - control." Moral integrity is one of the finest assets a person can possess, but it can attract a Controller the way a "hot target" attracts a cruise missile. When dealing with a Controller, conscientiousness can be your Achilles Heel. Integrity and conscientiousness remind Controllers of their most profound character flaw. They hate being reminded of what they do not have. They hate those qualities in others because Controllers cannot possess them. That is one reason that they are attracted to integrity. But their attraction is rooted in a desire to dominate or destroy. They must manipulate, rule or emotionally and psychologically annihilate anyone whose soundness of character reminds them of their own profoundly egotistical, selfish and empty natures. All effective counter-control is rooted in understanding how a Controller manipulates someones conscience and uses it against him or her. But the great trick to discovering how to effect practical counter-control is in knowing how to overcome a Controllers amorally motivated drive to control, without turning into a Controller yourself. Once you have identified the type of Controller confronting you, the following techniques can be employed: Mirroring & Restraint Mirroring involves a method of telling someone what he or she wants to hear, and it is a technique most effectively employed with pure Narcissists. However, it may require you to say things that bring you to the queasy edge of emotional nausea. Narcissists usually initiate verbal assaults when their egos are challenged. Remember that they are driven to "look good" all of the time. Anyone who tarnishes their idealized self-image must be belittled, degraded or demeaned. So, deflecting attack involves discovering how they need their self-image polished then either polishing it (which is where the risk of nausea begins) or simply "restraining" the urge to speak at all. Polishing does not have to involve honeyed praise or ingenuous compliments. It can simply be an agreeable nod of the head and a smile whenever a narcissistic boss or parent rants about their "superior qualities." Just keep in mind that pointing out their flaws will not only draw fire, but can begin a relentlessly punishing campaign against designed to "prove you wrong" or bring your career to a sudden halt. Simple restraint may seem like an easier strategy to employ, but when dealing with Controller arrogance, it is rarely simple. The malicious disdain of many Narcissists can test the patience of Job himself. It is very difficult to tolerate witnessing the harm narcissistic Controllers verbally and emotionally inflict on others, particularly if its another family member, fellow employee or friend. The primary problem in exercising either mirroring or restraint with a Controller, is that it requires subtlety and finesse. Although you may have to remain present, as in a job with good pay, benefits and retirement plan, the trick is to avoid comment unless it is absolutely necessary. Vanishing and Camouflage are techniques for accomplishing that goal. Vanishing and Camouflage In 1961, a former Army Air Corps bombardier published a novel that could have been a fictionalized version of his experiences in World War II. The main character of the story was a bombardier called Yossarian, and the book was named Catch-22. But, as the author Joseph Heller once remarked when someone told him it was a great war-novel, "It's not about war. It's about how to survive working in a corporation." And that's why it provides an excellent example for learning how to deal with Controllers in a Controller-dominated workplace. An added benefit is that it is a wildly funny book. 8-million people have read it. But few have viewed it as a fictionalized textbook on counter-control. Survival depends upon knowing how to not become a target. The art of not becoming a target-- vanishing -- is the art of camouflage. The last thing to do when trying not to draw attention to oneself is wave a red flag in front of a controlling bull. If a Controller is the bull, trying to convince him of why he should not be victimizing you is the red flag. Put the flag down. Camouflage is the art of learning how not to draw attention. Read Catch-22 and study Captain Or. Meditate on how to apply his methods the next time you feel stuck in dealing with a Controller. Escape and Evasion Or's success in dealing with the lethal forces pitted against him depended upon having more than survival as a goal. He wanted to remove himself from harm's way -- and from having to deal with controlling, narcissistic leaders -- and end up in a very nice place. A persistent application of mirroring, restraint, vanishing and camouflage can require nerves of steel and a lead-lined stomach, but they are endurable if you can discover where you want to be beyond a particular zone of someone else's control. Look inside yourself and find an image of that place beyond the zone. And keep it simple. When dealing with any Controller, a desire for freedom from control is always a simple place to start. Captain Or achieved his objective of finding freedom by simply being clear to himself about where he did not want to be, which automatically made it obvious exactly how to achieve his goal and where he could find it. Keeping the goal clearly and concretely defined in his mind at all times kept his efforts steadily focused upon achieving that goal. In the end, my years of experience in counseling those who have survived Controller manipulations ultimately terminates against the same realization. The only effective way to deal with a Controller is to avoid him or leave him. Mirroring, restraint and camouflage can help you deal with them, if you must, but life feels infinitely better when they are out of your life -- or you, out of theirs. Basic Rights in a Relationship 7 The right to good will from the other. 7 The right to emotional support. 7 The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy. 7 The right to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view. 7 The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real. 7 The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive. 7 The right to clear and informative answer to questions that concern what is legitimately your business. 7 The right to live free from accusation and blame. 7 The right to live free from criticism and judgment. 7 The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect 7 The right to encouragement. 7 The right to live free form emotional and physical threat. 7 The right to live free from angry outburst and rage. 7 The right to be called by no name that devalues you. 7 The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered. ******************************************** Kate Bennett www.katebennett.com sponsored by Polysonics www.polysonics.com Discover the Indies at Taylor Guitars: http://www.taylorguitars.com/artists/awp/indies/bennett.html ********************************************
