I got this from Susan Guzzi, my peer as a Joni fan and a White Sox fan, and was saving it for a day when we needed to go off on a tangent. So with thanks to Susan:
Well I've heard of having a horseshoe up there but really ... Subject: A REALLY "bad" day at the office > > True Story: > Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global > Divers out of > Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on > offshore drilling rigs. > Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She sent > it to Laughline and > won the contest (he wasn't thrilled with her for > that one). Anyway, > anytime you think you have had a bad day at the > office, remember this > guy. > > April 1998 > > Hi, Sue, > > Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. > Last week I had a > bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling > down lately at work, > so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to > make you realize it's > not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what > happened to me, I first must > bore you with a few technicalities of my job. This > time of year the water is > quite cool, even with a wetsuit. So what we do to > keep warm is this: We have > a diesel powered industrial water heater. This > $20,000 piece of shit > sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a > delightful temp. It then > pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose > which is taped to the air > hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and > I've used it several times > with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the > bottom and start working, is > I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my > neck. This floods my whole > suit with warm water. It's like working in a > Jacuzzi. > Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my > ass started to > itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made > things worse. > > Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I > pulled the hose out from > my back, but the damage was done. In agony I > realized what had > happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a > jellyfish and pumped it > into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy > you once had under > a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't > have any hair on my back, > so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My > ass crack was not as > fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an > itch, I was actually > grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the > dive supervisor of my > dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were > unclear due to the fact > that he, along with 5 other divers, were laughing > hysterically. Needless to > say, I aborted the dive. It totaled 35 minutes > before I could come to the > surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to > the surface wearing > nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were > tied to the bell. When I > got on board the medic, with tears of laughter > running down his face, handed > me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my > ass" when I get in the > chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't > shit for two days because > my asshole was swollen shut. Anyway, the next time > you have a bad day at the > office, think of me. Think about how much worse your > day would be if you were > to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no > bad days at the office. > But if you do, I hope this will make it more > tolerable
