http://www.theonion.com/onion3734/hijackers_surprised.html
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Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell: 'We Expected Eternal Paradise
For This,' Say Suicide Bombers
JAHANNEM, OUTER DARKNESSThe hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11
attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon expressed confusion and
surprise Monday to find themselves in the lowest plane of Na'ar, Islam's
Hell.
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"I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed
honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly
the airplane into one of the Twin Towers," said Mohammed Atta, one of the
hijackers of American Airlines Flight 11, between attempts to vomit up
the wasps, hornets, and live coals infesting his stomach. "But instead, I
am fed the boiling feces of traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit. Is
this to be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith?"
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The rest of Atta's words turned to raw-throated shrieks, as a
tusked, asp-tongued demon burst his eyeballs and drank the fluid that ran
down his face.
According to Hell sources, the 19 eternally damned terrorists have
struggled to understand why they have been subjected to soul-withering,
infernal torture ever since their Sept. 11 arrival.
"There was a tumultuous conflagration of burning steel and fuel at
our gates, and from it stepped forth these hijackers, the blessed name of
the Lord already turning to molten brass on their accursed lips," said
Iblis The Thrice-Damned, the cacodemon charged with conscripting new
arrivals into the ranks of the forgotten. "Indeed, I do not know what
they were expecting, but they certainly didn't seem prepared to be
skewered from eye socket to bunghole and then placed on a spit so that
their flesh could be roasted by the searing gale of flatus which issues
forth from the haunches of Asmoday."
"Which is strange when you consider the evil with which they ended
their lives and those of so many others," added Iblis, absentmindedly
twisting the limbs of hijacker Abdul Aziz Alomari into unspeakably
obscene shapes.
"I was told that these Americans were enemies of the one true
religion, and that Heaven would be my reward for my noble sacrifice,"
said Alomari, moments before his jaw was sheared away by faceless
homunculi. "But now I am forced to suckle from the 16 poisoned leathern
teats of Gophahmet, Whore of Betrayal, until I burst from an unwholesome
engorgement of curdled bile. This must be some sort of terrible mistake."
Exacerbating the terrorists' tortures, which include being hollowed
out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant, is the
fact that they will be forced to endure such suffering in sight of the
Paradise they were expecting.
"It might actually be the most painful thing we can do, to show
these murderers the untold pleasures that would have awaited them in
Paradise, if only they had lived pious lives," said Praxitas, Duke of
Those Willingly Led Astray. "I mean, it's tough enough being forced
through a wire screen by the callused palms of Halcorym and then having
your entrails wound onto a stick and fed to the toothless, foul-breathed
swine of Gehenna. But to endure that while watching the righteous drink
from a river of wine? That can't be fun."
Underworld officials said they have not yet decided on a permanent
punishment for the terrorists.
"Eventually, we'll settle on an eternal and unending task for
them," said Lord Androalphus, High Praetor of Excruciations. "But for
now, everyone down here wants a crack at them. The legions of fang-wombed
hags will take their pleasure on their shattered carcasses for most of
this afternoon. Tomorrow, their flesh will be melted from their bones
like wax in the burning embrace of the Mother of Cowards. The day after
that, they'll be sodomized by the Fallen and their bowels shredded by a
demonic ejaculate of burning sand. Then, on Sunday, Satan gets them all
day. I can't even imagine what he's got cooked up for them."
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) Copyright 2001 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved.
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