Vince, thanks for reprinting these Onion articles. That whole post-9/11 issue is just brilliant. When God weeps at the end of the press conference one can't help but join in.
-Fred Here are some more choice headlines and stories: Hugging Up 76,000 Percent Jerry Falwell: Is That Guy A Dick Or What? Rest Of Country Temporarily Feels Deep Affection For New York Massive Attack On Pentagon Page 14 News U.S. Vows To Defeat Whoever It Is We're At War With American Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake Arab-American Third-Grader Returns From Recess Crying, Saying He Didn't Kill Anyone ROYAL OAK, MI Eddie Bahri, 8, a Lincoln Elementary School third-grader of Iraqi descent, tearfully denied accusations during morning recess Tuesday that he was a terrorist who killed a bunch of people. "I did not kill anybody," Bahri told classmate Douglas Allenby. "And my dad didn't, either, okay?" Also implicated in the Sept. 11 attacks was 9-year-old Rajesh Soonachian, a Lincoln Elementary fourth-grader of Indian descent. President Urges Calm, Restraint Among Nation's Ballad Singers WASHINGTON, DC In the wake of the recent national tragedy, President Bush is urging Mariah Carey, Michael Jackson, and other singers to resist the urge to record mawkish, insipid all-star tribute ballads. "To America's recording artists, I just want to say, please, there has already been enough suffering," Bush said. "The last thing we need right now is a soaring Barbra Streisand-Brian McKnight duet titled 'One For All.'" Reports that the FBI had confiscated several notebooks and audio tapes from Diane Warren's home could not be confirmed as of press time. Report: Gen X Irony, Cynicism May Be Permanently Obsolete AUSTIN, TX According to Generation X sources, the recent attack on America may have rendered cynicism and irony permanently obsolete. "Remember the day after the attack, when all the senators were singing 'God Bless America,' arm-in-arm?" asked Dave Holt, 29. "Normally, I'd make some sarcastic wisecrack about something like that. But this time, I was deeply moved." Added Holt: "This earnestness can't last forever. Can it?" Dinty Moore Breaks Long Silence On Terrorism With Full-Page Ad NEW YORK Nearly two weeks after the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon, the makers of Dinty Moore beef stew finally weighed in on the tragedy Monday with a full-page ad in USA Today. "We at Dinty Moore extend our deepest sympathies to all who have been affected by the terrible events of Sept. 11, 2001," read the ad, which pictured a can of Dinty Moore beef stew at the bottom of the page. "The entire Dinty Moore family is outraged by this heinous crime and stands firmly behind our leaders." Dinty Moore joins Knoche Heating & Cooling and Tri-State Jacuzzi in condemning terrorism. Bush Sr. Apologizes To Son For Funding Bin Laden In '80s MIDLAND, TX Former president George Bush issued an apology to his son Monday for advocating the CIA's mid-'80s funding of Osama bin Laden, who at the time was resisting the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. "I'm sorry, son," Bush told President George W. Bush. "We thought it was a good idea at the time because he was part of a group fighting communism in Central Asia. We called them 'freedom fighters' back then. I know it sounds weird. You sort of had to be there." Bush is still deliberating over whether to tell his son about the whole supporting-Saddam Hussein-against-Iran thing.
