Things I Must Remember As A Dog
1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. 2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. 3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed. 4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house. 5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up. 6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick. 7. I will not throw up in the car. 8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell. 9. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food. 10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing. 11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar 12. I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them. 13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging. 14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside. 15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. 16. I will not steal my mom's thong underwear and dance all over the backyard with them. 17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps. 18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. 19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration. 20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. 21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage; I do not want a string hanging out of my butt. 22. I will not roll around in the dirt right after just getting a bath. 23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello. 24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought they needed a good hump. 25. I will not fart in my owners' faces while sleeping on the pillow next to their head. 26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet. 27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner. 28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over. 29. I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room. 30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing
