Forwarded from a Golf list with a few words deleted! 1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! > The blockage is almost instantly removed. > > 2. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock > will prevent you from going back to sleep. > > 3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing > vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. > > 4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by > smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle. > > 5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to > nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying > any in the first place. > > 6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover > by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head > repeatedly on the wall. > > 7. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming > pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two > bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in. > > 8. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' cond*ms, just buy an > ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put > it on. > > 9. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted > by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake > up in a strange place the following morning; having had your memory > mysteriously 'erased'. > > 10. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. > Simply stand closer to what you want to look at. > > 11. Putting just the right amount of gin in your > goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an > amusing manner. > > 12. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only > looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. > > 13. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a > spoonful of lard. > > 14. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your > legs, start eating cakes again. > > 15. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully > folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency. > > 16. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the > risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a > flight to your intended destination in the first place. > > 17. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry > wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. > > 18. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've > taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. > > 19. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the > loo seat by simply p*ssing in the sink. > > 20. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a > nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, > Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', > they won't know any difference. > > 21. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that > since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary > requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak. > > 22. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo > s*x'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her > jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for. > > 23. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a > garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you > remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the > area of the stain and check that it has gone. > > 24. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you > save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it
Jane Bawn Portchester UK To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
