My husband sent this to me, hope you all enjoy it. Lynn [EMAIL PROTECTED]<mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]> Clarksburg, WV. 26301 Subject: Old Farmers' Advice
Old Farmers' Advice * Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance. * Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. * A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. * Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled. * Meanness don't jes' happen overnight. * Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads. * Do not co rner something that you know is meaner than you. * It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. * You cannot unsay a cruel word. * Every path has a few puddles. * When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. * The best sermons are lived, not preached. * Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway. * Don't judge folks by their relatives. * Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. * Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. * Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none. * Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. * If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. * Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. * The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'. * Always drink upstream from the herd. * Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. * Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in. * If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. #(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#( New Word Meanings Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do. Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize: What a crook sees with. Control: A short, ugly inmate. Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes: What a guy in a boat does. Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot. Misty: How golfers create divots. Paradox: Two physicians. Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist: a helper on the farm. Polarize: What penguins see with. Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV. [Sorry guys!] Relief: What trees do in the spring. Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife. Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6. Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does. Sudafed: brought litigation against a government official. And last but not least (a real "Good One"): Subdued: ...like a guy, like works on one of those attack submarines. #(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#( You know the world is different when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the 3 most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'!" and the leader of Australia is flanked by Abbott and Costello!!! #(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(# Falling Out Of Bed! A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here!?!" The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?" #(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(# About those REDNECKS........... We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya'll know who ya! ' are... You might be a redneck if: * It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God." * You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places. * You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival." * You bow your head when someone prays. * You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem. * You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have. * You've never burned an American flag. * You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening. * You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same. * You'd give your last dollar to a friend. If you got this email from me, it is because I believe that you, like me, have just enough Red Neck in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email. God Bless the USA! #(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(# To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
