Some of you - the Southerners - already know all this stuff; for you,
it'll be just a chuckle and a nod. For the rest - the Northerners and
other foreigners - it should be an education. For me, the first
paragraph was an "aha!" moment... I've been doing it all wrong (ever
since I'd learnt of the "dispensation to bad-mouth"), adding "bless her
heart" at the *end*... No wonder I couldn't fool anyone :)
BTW... Please look at the last paragraph carefully: "Just because your
children were born in the South doesn't make them Southerners". That's
a very un-American statement; according to the current US law, *place
of birth* rather than the citizenship of your parents determines your
own citizenship. Republicans are trying to change it, to stem the
influx of immigrants. I may disagree with with the Republicans 99% of
the time, and the Democrats are likely to raise an unholy flap, but
that particular law had *always* struck me as "cockeyed"...
In the (Russian) fairy tale, where a clever peasant girl married a
Prince, and agreed never to contradict him? What finally opened her
mouth after years of putting up with his judgements (and
mis-judgements) was the following case:
Two friendly peasants, travelling some distance, stopped for the night,
unhitching their horses. Peasant A's pregnant mare went to lie down
close to peasant B's cart and, during the night, gave birth to a foal,
which ended up *under* pasant B's cart. Both peasants - no longer
friendly - claimed the foal as their own. Peasant A, because it was his
mare who gave birth to it. Peasant B, because it was his cart under
which the foal was found.
The Prince ruled for peasant B - the *place* of birth counts for more
than he *source* of birth. That's the basis of US law on citizenship.
His wife could no longer put up with such obvious idiocy and objected
to the judgement (and was banned from the court, then got the better of
her dim-witted husband, and returned in full glory <g>). The thing is,
I agreed with her reasoning from the time I was 5yrs old; the *place*
of birth is an accident.. What if an American Ambassador to Nigeria has
a child born there? Is the child a Nigerian by default? Does the
Ambassador petition, to have the child recognised as an American???
*Place* of birth is irrelevant; it's the mare (and, possibly, the
stallion <g>) who is irrevocably tied to the foal; the foal will bear
the markings of its parents, not those of the cart... I'd love to see
US be kind and accepting to immigrants again, as in the past (give us
your poor). But *not* on the basis of the birthplace...
From: C.B. I
Southern Ladies
Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most awful
kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her
heart" or "Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his
brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a 6-lane
highway."
I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling about
her new transplanted northern friend who was upset because her toddler
is
just beginning to talk and he has a southern accent. My friend, who is
very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of
hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had
CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of years ago. Can you believe it?"
said her friend, "A child of mine is going to be "taaaallllkkin liiiike
thiiiissss."
Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the North,
bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships, and
their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past
their endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here. And
the heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!
We've already lost too much. I was raised to say "swanee," not swear,
but you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore, I swanee you don't.
And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying something is "right
much,""right close," or "right good" because non-natives think this is
right funny indeed.
I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've
got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She
also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin'" to do something. And, bless
their hearts, they don't even know where "over yonder" is, or what "I
reckon" means!
My personal favorite was my aunt, saying, "Bless her heart, she can't
help being ugly, but she could've stayed home."
Southern girls know bad manners when they see them:
1. Drinking straight out of a can.
2. Not sending thank you notes.
3. Velvet after February.
4. White shoes before Memorial Day or after Labor Day
Southern girls always say:
1. "Yes, ma'am."
2. "Yes, sir."
Southern girls have a distinct way with fond expressions:
1. "Y'all come back now, ya heaah."
2. "Well, bless your heart."
3. "Drop by when you can."
4. "How's your mama?"
5. "Love your hair."
Southern girls know their three R's:
1. Rich
2. Richer
3. Richest
Southern girls know everybody's first name:
1. Honey
2. Darlin'
3. Shugah
Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:
1. "Gone With the Wind"
2. "Fried Green Tomatoes"
3. "Driving Miss Daisy"
4. "Steel Magnolias"
Southern girls know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
1. Hotlanta or Adlanna (Atlanta as outsiders say) 2. Richmon 3.
Challston 4. S'vannah 5. Birminham 6. Nawlins' 7. Oh! and that city in
Alabama ? It's pronounced MUNTGUMRY!
Southern girls know the three deadly sins:
1. Bad hair
2. Bad manners
3. Bad blind dates
G.R.I.T.S. = Girls Raised In The South!
Now you run along, Shugah, and send this to someone else Raised In The
South, i.e., Southern Belles, or ANY females aspiring to be GRITS. Even
to
your northern friends, "Bless Their Hearts", who still don't understand.
That reminds me. I have a rubber stamp that says "Just because your
children were born in the South does not make them Southerners. After
all, if a cat had kittens in the oven, that wouldn't make them
biscuits."
--
Tamara P Duvall http://t-n-lace.net/
Lexington, Virginia, USA (Formerly of Warsaw, Poland)
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