Can't remember if we've had these before, but, if we have, it must have been
a long time ago. The tube is London's underground railway system.
>> A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers
>> have (supposedly) made to their passengers...
>>
>> 1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your
>> service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of
>> course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case
>> you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the
>> opposite direction."
>>
>> 2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
>> suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his
>> backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as
>> I'm given any."
>>
>> 3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good
>> news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and
>> had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points
>> failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means
>> we probably won't reach our destination."
>>
>> 4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there
>> is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore
>> stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds
>> off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten
>> green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
>>
>> 5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can
>> see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they
>> had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they
>> don't think about things like that".
>>
>> 6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT
>> encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare
>> change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that,
>> give it to me."
>>
>> 7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the
>> driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way
>> for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels
>> are not provided."
>>
>> 8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go
>> on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm
>> going home...."
>>
>> 9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this
>> with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and
>> separate instructions."
>>
>> 10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors
>> means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw
>> yourself or your bags into the doors."
>>
>> 11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck
>> in the door."
>>
>> 12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get
>> on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the
>> doors' don't you understand?"
>>
>> 13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..)
>> "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...)
>> "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit
>> wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down,
>> Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door
>> before I come down there and shove them up your ?"
>>
>> 14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no
>> smoking allowed on any part of the underground. However, if you
>> are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the
>> rest of the carriage."
Jean in Poole, Dorset, UK
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