Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me al this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .. I'm telling everybody!'
............................
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young
girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how
old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
..............................
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to
his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed
together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing is the same as putting it in.
You'r not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and
put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and
then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him
saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the
box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
....................................
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering
the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to
me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a
glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
..................................
Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was
sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're
beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A
few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The
wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was no 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
....................................
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in th church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell
me the dog was Catholic?
..................................
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a
pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him
in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom
discovered the man in the closet..
'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man
replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..
.................................................
Marriage Humour
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been
reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the
expiration date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
--------------------------------------------------------
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would
you have married me if my father hadn't left me fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd
have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like
most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and
replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'
------------------------------------------------
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when
his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of
paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races
last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and
went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when
his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him
unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked
why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'
Agnes Boddington - Elloughton UK, who
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