1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her
pupil.'Because I pissed in it`s ear and it didn't move,' answered the
child innocently.'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in
surprise.'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went
'Pssst' and it didn't move'
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.Five minutes
later.....'Da-ad....''What? ''I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of
water?''No, You had your chance. Lights out.'Five minutes later:
'Da-aaaad.....''WHAT?''I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'I
told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'Five minutes
later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....''WHAT!'' When you come in to smack me,
can you bring a drink of water?'
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'The boy
thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out
and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Dylan, come in or stay out!''
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.'I can't
dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.' A long silence
was broken at last by his shaky little voice:'The big sissy.'
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.All the children were invited to come forward. One
little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty
dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'The little girl replied, directly
into the minister's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a
bitch to iron.'
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'I replied, 'Yes, honey,
remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.''I know,' she
replied, but what's growing in your bum?'
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, Two
plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.Three plus six, that son of a
bitch is nine....' His mother heard what he was saying and
gasped,'What are you doing?'The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my
math homework, Mum.''And this is how your teacher taught you to do
it?' the mother asked.'Yes,' he answered.Infuriated, the mother asked
the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'The
teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'The mother
asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a
bitch is four?'After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,'What
I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class.She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer.She
read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said,'The
sky is falling, the sky is falling!'The teacher paused then asked the
class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'One little girl
raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking
chicken! ''The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'Her mother told her this was wrong, she must
say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School,
and said, 'Aren't you Mr.Sugarbrown's daughter?'She replied, 'I
thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'
10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with
the boys?'Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys,
they're too rough.'The little girl thought about it for a few moments
and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.She stands
next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a
snack cake.The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair
on your muffin.'She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs
too.'Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!
David in Ballarat
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