Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
New words for an old tune
Sung to the tune of Rawhide...
Java Song
Loading, loading, loading,
Damn this Java coding,
Feeling of forboding, Reload!
The Applet says it's running,
And that big grey block is stunning,
But the screen remains as blank as my mind
Netscape crash, Boot 'em up!
Net goes down, Dial back! Logging on,
Still off-line! Reload!
Try it now, Still not up!
Netscape crashed, What, again?
Boot it up, Log it in, Reload!
Tighten, tweakin', smoothen,
They say the codes improvin',
So how come I'm still usin' "reload"?
I'm tired of all this waitin',
Just give me .gif animation,
This code is only good for wasting time,
The applet says it's running,
And grey block is quite stunning,
But the screen remains as blank as my mind,
(Midi solo)
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep,beep
Netscape crash, Boot 'em up!
Net goes down, Dial back!
Logging on, Still off-line!
Reload!
Try it now, Still not up!
Netscape crashed, What, again?
Boot it up, Log it in,
Reload! Reload!
----------
The Top 15 Things a 36 Year Old Woman Sees in a 14 Year Old Boy
16> Can't have a decent conversation about "Saved By the Bell"
with anyone her own age.
15> Can get him really drunk on half a beer.
14> Shares her love of finding the perfect antique, then blowing
it up with M-80s.
13> Can still pull in a paycheck when she's 75 and Social Security
is down the tubes.
12> Saves money by ordering from the "Guppy's Menu" at
participating Red Lobsters.
11> Goodbye, frumpy housewife. Helllllloooooooo, Teacher Spice!!
10> Chance to get a couple more proms under her belt.
9> Only drinks too much with the boys when they're running a
lemonade stand.
8> He may someday be the President -- better get him before he
gets her.
7> Too old to have cooties, too young to have an STD.
6> Not her first choice, mind you, but Mr. DiCaprio wasn't
available.
5> They're the polar opposite of the Energizer Bunny, if you
know what I mean.
4> Falls for that bit about her stretch marks being cool tattoos.
3> Never has to worry about him screwin' around with her Steve
Miller Band 8-tracks.
2> Can grab his hair during lovemaking without a lecture on the
price of Rogaine.
and the Number 1 Thing a 36 Year Old Woman
Sees in a 14 Year Old Boy...
1> His Erector Set.
------------------
Proof that the gene pool is contaminated!
In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and
discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned Irving
Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering
by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite of the
estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot
diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr. Michaels deck.
Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of
gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal
out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels
emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite
it again, to no avail. Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the
determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15
feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly
expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come,
though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe "like
a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness Joseph
McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home,
right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn.
In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a
Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported,
"Followed by a loud thud.". Amazingly, he suffered only minor
injuries. "It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when
they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I
was sure I wouldn't get hurt."
"It seems I've found myself on the Voyager of the Damned." The Holodoc
(Time and Again)
----------
Who Holds The Title <A Morgan Favorite>
Some years ago, a New Orleans lawyer sought a direct Veterans
Administration loan for a client. He was told that the loan would
be approved if he could provide proof of clear title to the property
offered as collateral. The title for the property in question was
complicated and he spent a considerable amount of time reviewing all
pertinent documents back to 1803. Satisfied with the depth and
expanse of his examination, he submitted the information to the VA.
He soon received a reply from the VA.: "We received your letter today
enclosing application for a loan for your client, supported by
abstract of title. The application forms are complete, but you have
not cleared the title before the year 1803. Therefore, before full
review and possible approval can a be accorded the application, it
will be necessary that the title be cleared back before that year."
Annoyed, the lawyer wrote the V.A.: "Your letter regarding titles in
case #9378329 received. I note that you wish titles extended further
back than I have presented. Your attention is invited to the
following information to update your records for the property prior
to 1803:
a) I was unaware that any educated person would not know that the
United States gained clear title to Louisiana from France in 1803.
This title transfer was a result of a real estate transaction known
as The Louisiana Purchase.
b) France gained clear title to Louisiana by right of conquest from
Spain under the Treaty of San Ildefonso (1800).
c) The land came into the possession of Spain by right of discovery
in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus. He was acting on
behalf of Isabella, Queen of Spain, and had her permission to claim
newly discovered lands for Spain.
d) The good Queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles -
almost as careful as the V.A.- took the precaution of securing the
blessing of the Pope before authorizing the voyage.
e) The Pope is a servant of God; God created the world.
f) Therefore, I believe that it is safe to presume that God created
title that part of the world called Louisiana and thus was the
original holder of the property in question.
----------
When Choosing A Mate,
Compare These Other Professionals To Engineers
DOCTORS
------------
Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your
relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off
with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients
that is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with
a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer
husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely
he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.
LAWYER
------------
Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with
someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem
with your Engineer spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills
to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is
when the divorce happens you will get nothing.
SALESMAN
------------
See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to
trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally
trustworthy individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the
invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that
your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often
called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.
HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER,
CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC. ------------ Your husband, if he is not
dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury,
etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only
hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight
by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has
some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting
older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he
first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask
"Honey, were you looking at her?", he'll honestly be able to say
that he didn't even see her.
TEACHER
------------
The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be
surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He'll be
in jail soon, and then you'll have to look for another man.
MINISTER
------------
See Teacher and substitute the word "girls" with "boys".
-----------
British Military
The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form
used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The
following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
I would not breed from this Officer.
This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't-be.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.
He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.
He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
Technically sound, but socially impossible.
This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning
around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since
then he has aged considerably.
Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to
dig.
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.
He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250
feet.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in
a trap
This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
--------
"Fascinate"
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in
a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and
we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word
'fascinate.'"
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the
Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because
Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided
there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so
she called on him.
Little Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons,
but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Dictate"
Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla
"How do you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla says, "D-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
She says, "Buckwheat is dumb"
The teacher says, "Now spell 'stupid.'"
Darla says "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says,
"Buckwheat, spell dictate."
Buckwheat stands and says, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
"I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my
dictate good!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Grown up Word"
The kindergarteners were now in the first grade. Their teacher
wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer
in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead
of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did
during the summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said,
"No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up
word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The
teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a 'train.' That's
the grown up word."
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the
summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked
what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very
adult way replied,
"Winnie the Sh*t."
-------
Top 25 Excuses For Getting Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle
1. I was just waiting for the mighty 386 computer you gave me to
finish compiling the data on the work efficiency project.
2. It's okay...I'm still billing the client
3. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the
last time management course you sent me to.
4. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
5. I was working smarter, not harder.
6. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement
and envisioning a new paradigm!
7. I'm in the management training program
8. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper
9. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !
10. Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP)
you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you
attend.
11. This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed
about work!
12. I'm increasing everyone else's productivity by reducing my oxygen
consumption.
13. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance
14. I was up all night tracking down hackers that were trying to break
into our system. Luckily I was able to hold them off!
15. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?
16. Testing my cubicles sleeping conditions satisfies ISO-9000 norms.
17. Quickly say "Amen" and explain that you were just praying for the
wisdom to "work smarter, not harder"
18. Me, snoring? No, that was my floppy drive!
19. If I sleep in my cubicle, I can spend more time in the office
because I don't have to sleep at home.
20. Statistics prove that people who take a short nap after lunch get
more accomplished than people who don't.
21. I got wrapped up with my project last night and haven't gone home
yet, I must have dozed off.
22. Recent developments in computer monitor design allow me to project
information directly onto my eyelids.
23. I was just testing my eyelids for holes. So far I haven't found
any, but I must keep looking!
24. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem.
25. Hypnotized by my screen saver.
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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