Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
1) Titanic Summarized
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Scene 1 -
KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked
for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount
to nothing.
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they
know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen
the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very
pretty.
KATE: Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you in fact. I am going to put on my
"brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again
and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking
wet.
KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and
looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the
boat sinks and people start dying.
WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though
you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you
like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically
abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really
hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional,
perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least
a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and
plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so
therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo
who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than
you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)
Scene 2 -
LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on
your fiance.
KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a
commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb
into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact
that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like
audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry
indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.
AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of
course you have to take off your clothes.
KATE:But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all
successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand
for that sort of thing?
LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the
film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo
will sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly
what happened.
KATE: All right, then. (Sound of clothes hitting the floor.)
Scene 3 -
FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (Sound of
drinking.)
ICEBERG: (Hits boat.)
FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE: (Silence.)
FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE: Where's Leonardo?
Scene 4 -
LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking.
KATE: That is terrible.
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified
behavior?
KATE: Certainly.
WEASELLY FIANCE: (Aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here! (to
Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally dubious yet somehow
less annoying than you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this
pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the
fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned
previously.
LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save
Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway...
AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.
Scene 5 -
150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil
fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it
hadn't been for having to rescue him, I could have gotten on an actual
lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much
dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my
supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears
hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey!
Don't you walk away from me! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had one.
I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!
(Fade to black. Roll credits and play annoyingly overplayed Celine
Dion song.)
--------------
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left
of your unit."
- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's
magazine of preventive maintenance
"As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not
important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me
so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so."
- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
- Anonymous
"Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of
which I disapprove."
- Ashleigh Brilliant
"Time's fun when you're having flies."
- Kermit the Frog
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?'
Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more thanone night.'"
- Charlie Brown, "Peanuts" [Charles Schulz]
"There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the
streets?"
- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
"Don't worry about temptation. As you grow older, it starts avoiding
you."
- Farmer's Almanac
-----------
Finding the Right Girl
When I was in junior high school, all I wanted was a girl with large
breasts.
In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no
passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I
needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited
about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed
from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was without
direction. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so
ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with large breasts.
-----------
"The Baby's Point of View"
A baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk.
He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
"Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Yes, I am," said the doctor.
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me
during birth."
He looked at his mother and asked,
"Are you my mother?"
"Yes, I am," she said.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born,"
he said.
He then looked at his father and asked,
"Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead
with his index finger seven times saying,
"I want you to know that THAT HURTS!"
--------
"Talking Triplets"
There were three babies in a woman's stomach, and they were
discussing what they would like to be when birthed and grown up.
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber."
The others laughed at this, and asked "why a plumber?"
He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, its kinda leaky."
The second one said "I wanna be an electrician."
The others laughed at this, and asked "Why an electrician?"
He replied, "So I can get some lights in here; its dark!"
The third one said "I wanna be a boxer."
The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full 5
minutes, before asking, "Why in Heaven's name do you want
to be a boxer?"
He replied, "So I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who
keeps coming in here, beating us up, and spitting on us!"
---------
A Paronomastic's Dictionary
Allege: A high rock shelf
Arson: Our daughters brother
Author: A person who is usually write
Autobiography: A history of cars
Avowal: a, e, I, o, u, and sometimes y
Backward: Patient rooms at the rear of a hospital
Bassinet: What every fisherman wants
Belong: To take your time
Carpet: A dog who enjoys riding in a automobile
Coffee: Break Fluid
Comma: What a medium falls into
Complaint: A grief resume
Condescend: A prisoner escaping down the wall using a rope
Deduce: De lowest card in de deck
Denounce: Words that name things, not de verbs, de adjectives, etc.
Document: Repeating what your doctor told you in your own words
Dogma: A mother dog
Eclipse: What a gardener does to your hedge
Earthquake: A topographical error
Falsehood: Someone who pretends to be a gangster
Feast: An eat wave
Flattery: Phony express
Fission: What Huck Finn did when he played hookey
Gentle: (1) Reproductive Organ
(2) Non-Jewish
Geometry: What the acorn said when it grew up
Grateful: What it takes to build a good fire
Handicap: A ready-to-use hat
Hanging: A suspended sentence
Hari-Kari: Transporting a wig
Hunger: What the posse did to the lady rustler
Hypochondriac: A guy who wont let well enough alone
Hypothesis: What a boy says to his father on the telephone
Indecision: Under the whether
Intense: Where campers sleep
Ketchup: What the runners behind in a race want to do
Kinship: Your brothers boat
Laundress: A gown worn while sitting on the grass
Legend: The edge of a cliff
Midget: Center engine of a three-engine fast plane
Minimum: A very small mother
Nitrate: Cheapest price for calling long distance
Observatory: What Washington asked his spies to do
Pandemonium: A housing development for pandas
Paradise: Ivory cubes used in craps and backgammon
Paradox: Two physicians
Paraffins: Found on the sides of fish
Paralyze: Two untruths
Praise: Letting off esteem
Protein: (1) An advocate of teen-agers rights
(2) Lady of the street too young to vote
Rampage: Section of a book about male sheep
Sarcasm: Quip lash
Sherbet: A tip on a horse race or sporting event
Skier: A person who jumps to contusions
Sleet: A slipcover
Stirrup: What you do with cake batter
Subsidy: A town underneath another town
Tenure: A year after nineure
Thursday: How you feel crossing the desert on a hot day
Unabated: A fishhook without a worm
Valorous: A big animal vit tusks vot lives in vater
Vanguard: A person who protects trucks
Violinist: A high-strung musician
Warehouse: What you ask when youre lost
Washable: What a cowboy does very carefully
Wholesale: Where a gopher goes to buy a home
-----------
Overheard today at work:
"I see Microsoft as the Conan of the industry."
"How do you figure?"
"You remember - Conan, what is best in life? To crush your enemies,
to
see dem driven before you, and to hear da lamentations of der
programmers."
"I thought it was lamentations of their women?"
"What could Microsoft do to a woman to make her lament?
*Programmers*,
on the other hand...scary stuff, man. Frightening."
-----------
A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made
"Tickle
me Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly
the
boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her
she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were
packed into boxes.
On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut
it
down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line
to
find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part
but
she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she
was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate
place on the dolls.
The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give
each doll Two----Test----Tickles."
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