Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes: The Top 16 Differences in the New, Friendlier IRS 16> Old form: "1090" New form: "10-40, Good Buddy!" 15> Prank "Get Out of Jail Free" card sent with audit notice. 14> After particularly painful audits, agents don dark glasses and flash "Men In Black" memory eraser thingy in your face. 13> "Tax shelters" now referred to as "Thatched-Roof Income Cottages." 12> Coffee and tea served while agents wait for Viagra pills to take effect. 11> Instead of kicking you in the family jewels with an iron boot, agents now kick you in the family jewels with a more forgiving penny loafer. 10> All audits conducted in the comfort of Willie Nelson's former home. 9> Rectal probes now warmed to room temperature before audits. 8> Just say "Supersize It!" and Janet Reno will personally conduct your audit. 7> New motto: "Two things are certain: FUN And Taxes!" 6> Rifle butt to the head now accompanied by "Please" and "Thank you." 5> Threatening form letters now lightly scented with CK One and begin, "It's Audit-Doody Time!" 4> Either pay required fines, or go double-or-nothing in a game of whack-a-mole. 3> Agents now required to start with "Hi, my name is Jim, and I'll be screwing you today." 2> Those new commercials featuring a turtleneck-clad George Clooney and catchy "Fork Over, America" jingle. and the Number 1 Difference in the New, Friendlier IRS... 1> Unless that's a typo, looks like you're getting an Audi this year! ----------- The Top 16 Changes in the New "Love Boat" 16> Safe sex activists insist on mandatory condom-purchasing scene before each couple pairs off on "The No Glove, No Love Boat." 15> Newly-divorced Kathie Lee beds a different man every week while humming, "If He Could See Me Now." 14> Captain Kennedy is too drunk to notice the ship's course is from Boston to New York City and back 6 times a day. 13> For some reason, every episode is 3 hours long and involves an iceberg. 12> New crew member Weasel, the ship's Sexual Harassment Officer, kind of kills the mood. 11> "Day 47: Had to eat another passenger, but now we'll have an even number for the shuffleboard tournament tomorrow." [ The Top Five List [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://www.topfive.com ] 10> Captain Clinton French kisses each woman passenger as they board. 9> Hopes for a second season dashed when James Cameron signs on to direct 13th episode. 8> Only Hanson could turn a merely annoying TV theme song into a teeth-grinding, hair-pulling, ear-bleeding experience. 7> Wacky hijinks ensue when Purser George Michael forced to fill in for bathroom attendant. 6> Ship's Dr. Kevorkian drowns Pia Zadora in the pool, and throws Andy Griffith overboard. [ The Top Five List [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://www.topfive.com ] 5> Isaac, the Bartender replaced by Phil, the Starbucks Guy. 4> Goodbye, Dramamine. Hello, Viagra! 3> At the end of every episode: "They killed Leonardo! You bastards!!" 2> During a relapse, Julie forces Captain Stuebing to take the boat into Colombian waters. and the Number 1 Change in the New "Love Boat"... 1> Cost-cutting results in combined character, Captain Bartender Hazelwood. -------------- SICK IN CHURCH A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No" her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'." --------- Almost DARWIN Award Winners These are not DARWIN Award Winners, but they are pretty close... AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence... ======================================================== ..With a Little Help from Our Friends! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out and give himself up... ======================================================== ..And What Was Plan B? An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts... ======================================================= ..And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!! A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy... ======================================================== ..Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps... Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..." ======================================================== .. And for the Main Course... A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs. ======================================================== ..The Getaway A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. ======================================================== ..Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?! In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. ======================================================== ..Have I Got A Deal for You! More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available."Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars... ======================================================== ..Too Well-Educated In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened..." ======================================================== ..Did I Say That?! Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" ======================================================== ..Ouch, That Smarts! A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody... ======================================================== ..Are We Not Communicating? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!" ======================================================== ..Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife? ------ Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it." ------ Cannibalism. Quoted from an article about Cannibalism in the "New Scientist" 14 March 1998. 'The story of Alfred Packer, the first American to be convicted of cannibalism remains a classic. While prospecting for gold in Coloroado's San Juan mountains in 1873, Packer became trapped in a shack during a blizzard, and survived by eating his fellow prospectors. He was arrested, tried, and sentenced to 40 years imprisonment, although he served only 15. "You are a low down depraved son of a bitch" the judge told him. "There were only seven Democrats in Hinsdale county, and you ate five of them." ' ------ Divine Press Release Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily". Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that lagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions. If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech. -- Two rules in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know. 2. Subscribe/Unsubscribe, email: [EMAIL PROTECTED] In the body of the message enter: subscribe/unsubscribe law-issues