Richard Soderstrom <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes: "I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, > 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should > hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' > -Larry Miller > ******************************************************************** > "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" > --Marilyn Pittman > ******************************************************************* > "When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in > the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?" > --Robin Williams > ******************************************************************* > "A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new > boyfriend in bed together. > Solution? I sent them to her dad." > --Christopher Case > ******************************************************************** > "Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should > treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave > you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance > pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." > --Bob Ettinger > ******************************************************************** > "I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always > say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my > mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." > --Ellen DeGeneres > ******************************************************************* > "I've been doing the Fonda workout: The Peter Fonda workout. That's > where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my > sister's house and ask her for money." > --Kevin Meaney > ******************************************************************* > "A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. > 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. > I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any > witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." > --Jake Johansen > ******************************************************************** > "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." > --Dick Cavett > ********************************************************************* > "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least > they can find Kuwait." > --A. Whitney Brown > ******************************************************************** > "Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat > pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has > spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart > everybody?" > --Jon Stewart > ******************************************************************** > "My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in > the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying > to teach you how to swim.' " > --Paula Poundstone > ******************************************************************* > "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly > in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? > Do tall people burn slower?" > --Warren Hutcherson > ******************************************************************** > "I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the > Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be > like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache." > --Jack Mayberry > ******************************************************************** > "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" > --John Mendoza > ********************************************************************* > "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal > skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: > Duh." > --Conan O'Brien > ******************************************************************** > "When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and > they would only play with each other." > --Rita Rudner > ******************************************************************* > "I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting > C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually > bought a congressman." --Bruce Baum > ****************************************************************** > "It had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to > use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That > may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from > animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." > --Jeff Stilson > ******************************************************************* > "Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think > that's how dogs spend their lives." > --Sue Murphy > ******************************************************************** > "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans > is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best > friends. If they are okay, then it's you." --Rita Mae Brown > ******************************************************************** > "I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up > something else." > --Lily Tomlin > ******************************************************************* > "Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the > same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" > --Rita Rudner > ******************************************************************** > "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty > violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a > bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. > Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." > --Jerry Seinfeld > ******************************************************************** > "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of > four people make up 75 percent of the population." > --David Letterman > ******************************************************************** > "If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and > Gomorrah an apology." > --Jay Leno > ******************************************************************** > "I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." > --Lily Tomlin > ******************************************************************* > Seinfeld: "The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a > war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that > little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a > weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. > You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. > I've got the toe clippers right here.' " > ******************************************************************** > "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through > my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow > learner." > ******************************************** > > The Top 39 Things You Would NEVER Hear A Texan Say: > > > > 39. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex". > > 38. Duct tape won't fix that. > > 37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael. > > 36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. > > 35. We don't keep firearms in this house. > > 34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? > > 33. You can't feed that to the dog. > > 32. I thought Graceland was tacky. > > 31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. > > 30. Wrasslin's fake. > > 29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? > > 28. We're vegetarians. > > 27. Do you think my hair is too big? > > 26. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. > > 25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering? > > 24. Who's Richard Petty? > > 23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. > > 22. Deer heads detract from the decor. > > 21. Spitting is such a nasty habit. > > 20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. > > 19. Trim the fat off that steak. > > 18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. > > 17. The tires on that truck are too big. > > 16. I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad. > > 15. I've got it all on a floppy disk. > > 14. Unsweetened tea tastes better. > > 13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? > > 12. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's > > 11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. > > 10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. > > 9. Checkmate. > > 8. She's too old to be wearing a bikini. > > 7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? > > 6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. > > 5. I don't have a favorite college team. > > 4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. > > 3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. > > 2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. > > > > And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Texan say is-- > > > > 1. Elvis who? > > I don't know much about Texas,but Tennasseeans don't throw these things >around either. You should see what Tennasseeans did to the spell checker The dirty old Gandy Dancer Subscribe/Unsubscribe, email: [EMAIL PROTECTED] In the body of the message enter: subscribe/unsubscribe law-issues
