Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
The Top 16 Signs Your Kids Have Been
Watching Too Much "Jerry Springer"
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://www.topfive.com ]
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16> During Sunday sermon, they hold a palm up to the pastor
and say, "Talk to the hand!"
15> Every night at the dinner table, it's the same routine:
"Eat your vegetables," and the chairs go flying.
14> You've had to replace the babysitter with three burly
stagehands.
13> Dinner topic: "Teenage boys who hide Playboys under
their mattresses."
12> Junior's new mastery of the headlock has made him the star
of his high school debate team.
11> Have evolved from playing "Doctor" to "Plastic Surgeon
specializing in Male Enlargement."
10> They want to know why they only live in a house instead of
a double-wide trailer.
9> At the dinner table, little Billy announces a surprise guest:
your secretary/mistress.
8> Your Elvis shrine ain't been Endusted in two weeks.
7> Her tendency to hop up on tables, tear her shirt open and
dance suggestively has gotten you banned from more than one
Chuck E. Cheese.
6> Your youngest has stopped calling you "Mommy" in favor of
"Crack-ho."
5> Math: C-
History: D+
English: F
Interviewing Transvestite Hookers: A+
4> Last year, when you told him to clean his room, you merely
got a sullen look. This year you get a dining room chair
over your head.
3> Your son asks if anyone makes a DNA paternity test kit for
Cabbage Patch Kids.
2> During that "little talk" with Junior, you're forced to admit
that you don't know if hermaphrodites are "birds" or "bees."
and Top5's Number 1 Sign Your Kids Have Been
Watching Too Much Jerry Springer...
1> Poor Ken just found out he hasn't been dating Barbie,
but GI Joe in drag.
----------------------
The Top 14 Rejected Messages
in "Secretaries Day" Cards
(Part I)
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
14> You say HARassment. I say harASSment.
Let's call the whole thing off and settle out of court.
13> Thanks for your smile, it's really the most,
Even though my expenses are more than your gross.
12> You're tireless, honest, bright and efficient,
But I'm letting you go for some young chick who isn't.
11> I gave your life a second chance,
I posted all your bails.
So far, you've shown me just one skill:
The way you file -- your nails!
10> Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue.
Coffee, black.
Now, dammit!
9> You type and file with utmost care,
But one thing does offend.
We've had complaints from everywhere;
Please to your odor tend.
8> Roses are red, violets are blue.
If I had your job, I'd hate me too.
7> Here are some flowers,
some candy, and this poem.
By the way, you've been downsized
-- pack your things and go home.
6> You're just great, a lawyer's dream,
the best assistant now alive.
You figured out how I could bill
for writing all those lame Top 5s.
5> We've seen you work hard, we've seen you work long.
Now let's see you work in this red satin thong.
4> Since the day I hired you, I've made it my sole mission
To get you behind my desk, in an executive position.
3> You're privy to all of my shadiest deals,
But God help you, sister, if you ever squeal!
2> I like your hair dyed purple-blue.
I like your single eyebrow, too.
Is that your typing that I hear?
Or your dentures clacking, Myrtle, dear?
and Top5's Number 1 Rejected Message
in a "Secretaries Day" Card...
1> Roses are pricey. You eat like a horse.
This two-dollar card was my only recourse.
----------
Giant Buttered Cat Array
Results of a contest for "theories" sponsored by Omni magazine.
GRAND PRIZE WINNER
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet. And when toast is
dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I
propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will
hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat
array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
RUNNERS-UP:
#1
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of
pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite
number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's
great literary works in Braille.
#2
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your
eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other
people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.
#3
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no
alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a
faster rate.
#4
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a
figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in
close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to
spin dangerously fast.
HONORABLE MENTION:
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If
omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian
"pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to
"warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
----------
"Who Is Mightiest?"
A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out
and cornered a small monkey and roared,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey said, "You are, mighty lion!"
Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified deer stammers,
"Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in
the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and
roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with
his trunk, and slams him against a tree half a dozen times,
with the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari
wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it
looked like a corn tortilla, crapped on it, and ambled away.
The lion hollered after the elephant flippantly,
"Geez, just because you don't know the answer, you
don't have to get so mad."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It Was A Tall Task...."
A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting
there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in.
"Get a load of her," says the mouse, "I fancy that!"
"Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion.
So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking
to her. Within five minutes they're out the door and
gone into the night.
The next day, the lion is in the bar and the mouse staggers
in. The mouse is absolutely ragged, worn out, ruined.
The lion helps his pal up onto a stool, pours a drink down
his throat and asks,
"What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with
the giraffe. What happened after that? Was she all right?"
The mouse says, "Yeah, she was really something else!
She invited me back to her place to spend the night."
"But how come you look like you're so exhausted?"
asks the lion.
"Well", says the mouse, "Between the kissing and
the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!"
----------
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney
attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted
five
thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the
window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise
this
case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the
question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
-----------
I am at a career crossroads; should I become an astronaut, a fireman, or
a system administrator?
This is the kind of question that these "handy comparison charts" were
just made to answer:
PURPOSE OF YOUR CAREER
Astronaut: Advancing scientific knowledge for the good of humanity.
Fireman: Saving lives and property.
Sysadmin: Assuring uninterrupted access to alt.binaries.erotica.sheep.
ADVICE YOU'LL GIVE KIDS WHO WANT TO FOLLOW IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS
Astronaut: "Study science and math and eat your vegetables."
Fireman: "Study science and math and eat your vegetables."
Sysadmin: "DON'T DO IT! RUN AWAY!"
QUESTION YOU'LL BE MOST TIRED OF ANSWERING
Astronaut: "Where do you go to the bathroom?"
Fireman: "Do you really slide down a pole when the alarm goes off?"
Sysadmin: "Can't you do anything about all this spam I've been
getting?"
WILL YOU EVER BE ON TV?
Astronaut: Yes!
Fireman: Occasionally.
Sysadmin: Only MSNBC's "The Site," which doesn't technically count as
TV.
WILL YOUR JOB EVER GET ANY EASIER?
Astronaut: As computers get more and more advanced and able to control
more of the functions of the space vehicle, yes.
Fireman: As more and more people install smoke detectors in their
homes, yes.
Sysadmin: As more and more clueless newbies discover the Internet,
absolutely not.
INSPIRING MOVIE ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION
Astronaut: "The Right Stuff"
Fireman: "Backdraft"
Sysadmin: Uh... gee, I'm really drawing a blank here... "Wargames"?
YOUR WORK HOURS
Astronaut: Fairly long days during the mission, but lots and lots of
time between missions to relax.
Fireman: 24-hour shifts, but 48 hours between shifts to relax.
Sysadmin: Not really "work hours" or even "work days"... more like
"work millenia."
FRINGE BENEFITS OF YOUR JOB
Astronaut: Lots of good stories to tell to impress members of the
opposite sex.
Fireman: Lots of good stories to tell to impress members of the
opposite sex.
Sysadmin: You get ALL of the jokes in "Dilbert."
NUMBER OF COMPLAINTS ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION
Astronaut: A few, from people who think the government should be
spending its money in different ways.
Fireman: A few, from people who think you take too long to arrive
following a 911 call.
Sysadmin: You'll have to learn what comes after "trillion" to be able
to count them all.
YOUR VEHICLE
Astronaut: Multimillion-dollar space vehicle atop multimillion-dollar
rocket.
Fireman: Big red truck with flashing lights and siren.
Sysadmin: 1978 AMC Gremlin.
In conclusion, if the sysadmin option has seemed the most appealing in
even one of these categories, you should become a sysadmin.
-----
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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