Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
The Top 16 Modern Day Cruel and Unusual Punishments
16> Two words: Reno's intern
15> Forced to go to a biker bar dressed as a mime
14> MmmBop, NnnonStop
13> The tofu burrito'n'beans self-inflicted gas chamber
12> Forced stint as court reporter for Mike Tyson vs. Don King
Lawsuit
11> The DMV "Next Window, Please" Line-a-thon
10> Life Sentence of your Mother reading your mail, first
9> Drink a sixer and some coffee, then try to make it through
"Titanic" without a restroom break
8> Castration by emery board
7> Front-Row Seats at Celine Dion's "Tribute to Michael Bolton"
concert
6> The WB/UPN Torture
5> Lethal injection of Cher's perfume
4> The Chinese Buffet Torture
3> You're booked as a guest on "Jerry Springer", and they give
you the middle chair.
2> Fran Drescher in the next cell watching The 3 Stooges
and the Number 1 Modern Day Cruel and Unusual Punishment...
1> Three Words: Don Knotts Tattoo
----------------
The Top 16 Lesser Known Presidential
Executive Privileges
16.Executive dibs on fries in the bottom of the bag...
anywhere, any
time, *any* bag
15.Authorized to dispatch towel-wielding Secret Service
agents at
White House pool parties to apply stinging "rat
tails" to anyone
he chooses
14."You're Greek? Hey, come on up to my place tonight
and we'll
lob a couple of missiles at Istanbul."
13.5-Day video rentals from Justice Thomas's "personal
collection"
12.Prerogative to suspend constitutional prohibition on
"Cruel and
Unusual Punishment" should he feel like appearing in
public
wearing gym shorts
11.The "President's Dozen" -- 15 doughnuts for the price
of 12 at
all DC doughnut shops
10.Platinum membership in The Players Club AND front-row
seats
at any Wrestlemania event
9.In case of pants-too-tight emergencies, there's
Gertie, the
little-used corset-cincher left over from the
McKinley
administration
8.When competing on Jeopardy, not required to answer in
the
form of a question
7.Goodbye, Extra Value Meal -- hello, Super-sized Extra
Value
Meal with Apple Pie and Milkshake!
6.Somebody piss you off? Make their yard a national
park and
it'll be wall-to-wall Winnebagos.
5.Can order lawn mowed by upside-down Marine Corps
helicopter
4.One GET OUT OF LAWSUIT FREE card per term
3.Allowed to bring bucket of fried chicken to opera
performances
at Lincoln Center
2.Commander-in-Chief status + surplus Patriot missiles
= 1
bitchin' 4th of July!
and the Number 1 Lesser Known Presidential Executive
Privilege...
1.Unlimited Murphy's Oil to maintain Vice President's
natural
wood-grain luster
------------
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a
minor
traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after
endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the
judge,
only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he
would
have to return the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared,
"Twenty
dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented.
"That's all
right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more
words.
---------
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.
Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an
environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for
the
project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the
earthly
part.
Then God said, "Let there be light!"
Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be
made.
Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God
explained
that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted
provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would
result
from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and
to
conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time. God agreed
and
offered to call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". The
officials
replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed,
and
fruit trees bearing fruit."
The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.
Then God said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures,
and
let birds fly above the earth."
The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the
Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation
and
the Audobon Society. Everything was okay until God said the project
would
be completed in six days.
The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review
the
applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a
public
hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before...
At this point God created Hell.
-----------
M O R E C H U R C H B U L L E T I N B L O O P E R S
1. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on
people who are not afflicted with any church.
3. Evening massage - 6 p.m.
4. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday morning.
5. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the
recession.
6. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m.
Please use the back door.
7. Ushers will eat latecomers.
8. The third verse of "Blessed Assurance" will be sung without musical
accomplishment.
9. The Reverend Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the
congregation.
10. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir
will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
11. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of
hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
12. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service.
The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
13. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be
discontinued until further notice.
14. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
15. The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich
Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
16. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
17. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
18. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special
thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who laboured the whole
evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
19. Thirty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the
home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and
Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, "The Lord Knows Why."
20. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
21. Today's Sermon: "How Much Can A Man Drink?" with hymns from a full
choir.
22. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: God is Good.
Dr. Hargreaves is better.
23. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
24. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
25. Men's Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be
gratefully accepted.
-----------
Ma and Pa are sitting on the front porch swing rockin....
Pa says to Ma ....Screw you Ma
a minute goes by.
Ma says to Pa .....Screw you Pa
a minute goes by.
Pa says to Ma ... Screw you Ma
a minute goes by.
Ma says to Pa.... Screw you Pa
another minute goes by.
Pa says to Ma.... Screw you Ma
a minute later
Ma says to Pa.... Screw you Pa
a couple of minutes go by......
Pa says to Ma: I don't know about you Ma...but I just
don't get too much out of this Oral Sex stuff!
--------
"Hazards of Skinny Dipping"
The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately
to take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his
swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone.
So he undressed and got into the water. After some
delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies
walked onto the shore in his direction.
He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket
in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward
and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said,
"You know, I have a special gift. I can read minds."
"Impossible", said the embarrassed man, "You really don't
know what I'm thinking?"
"Yes" the lady replied, "I know that you think that the
bucket you're holding has a bottom in it."
----------
You just might be a graduate student if...
...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot
operate.
...your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.
...you have ever, for a folklore project, attempted to track the
progress of your own joke across the Internet.
...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to
read.
...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your
laptop.
...everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopies while researching
a single paper.
...there is a microfiche reader in the library that you consider
"yours."
...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the
library.
...you look forward to summers because you're more productive without
the distraction of classes.
...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
...you consider all papers to be works in progress.
...your professors don't really care when you turn in your work
anymore.
...you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the
actual text.
...you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now
just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
...you reflexively start analyzing those Greeks letters before you
realize that it's just a sorority sweatshirt and not an equation.
...you find yourself explaining to young children that you are in
the "20th" grade.
...you start referring to stories like "Snow White, et. al."
...you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without
getting scurvy.
...you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.
...you have more photocopy cards than credit cards.
...you yonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as
"personal communication."
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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