Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
Top Ten Signs You Might Need a New Roommate:
Another Original by Scott Pam!
10.. Has posters of creepy Newsweek covers with "Doe" and "Lewinsky"
over his/her bed.
9.. Sings the ending to the Flintstones as "an all gay time..."
8.. Mumbles incoherently to a now green piece of cheddar cheese.
7.. Frequently looks down at crotch and argues "Lipid, SOLID, Lipid,
SOLID...".
6.. His/her toothbrush has tried to make a "run for it".
5.. Claims he had an affair with Bill Clinton and has never left his
home state of Montana.
4.. Bought a cage for the dustbunnies and keeps food and water in it
for them.
3.. Is the sole attendee for a 12 step program no-one has ever heard
of.
2.. Glows when sleeping.
1.. Believes that "up" is relative to the rotation of his home
planet.
-------------
The Great Dog Fight
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized
that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow
up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with
one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog
in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to
dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian
wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each
litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used
steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest
meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody
could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the
Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long
Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew
there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with
the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage
and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog
snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American
dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's
neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in
one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in
disbelief. 'We don't understand how this could have happened. We
had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman
and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian
wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund."
-------------
Man Meets Train
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to
visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this
whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown,
ass-over- tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor
internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house
attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly
hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the
nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an
unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes
into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man:
"Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when
they're small."
-----------
The ABC's of Ex-Girlfriends...
A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend
ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was
only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them
do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are
little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow
completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C is for Call ya later. She won't. She never has before.
D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she
said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice
place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine
restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle
Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the
bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you
were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can
even stand to look at her.
G is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a
personality? Well, you figure it out.
I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she
calls me and offers me favors.
J stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice
car? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I
think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K stands for Kill.
L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two
people and is shared upon by both parties.
L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last
people that actually believe in love.
M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
O is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing
you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S stands for Stab. Stabbing would be fun.
S is also for Steve. Steve was the guy that was sleeping with her.
Steve is a bad person. Perhaps you should stab Steve.
T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the
truth. She also tortured you with lies. She even tortured you with
whips and hand- cuffs.
U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that fucking bitch is an
understatement.
V is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her
in the first place.
W stands for Wine. Wine is expensive. She loved wine. She got drunk
awfully slow though. After too much wine she liked to fuck. But after
too much of it she puked; that is, from the wine. Not the activity.
X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
(I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED TO Z)
. stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she
lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't
get any for a week.
---------
ABC's of Ex-Boyfriends
A is for Asshole, which is what attracted you to him in some odd,
mystifying, "I know he'll change for me" kind of way. He didn't.
B is for Beavis & Butthead. It's what you lost his attention to
every night. That and Singled Out. He said he really liked to see
people together and as happy as the two of you were. You knew it was
just Jenny McCarthy's Boobies.
C is for Cunt. His mother, in other words.
D is for Dildo, something that always performed on command and never
came before you. Besides, since you've Ditched him, you and your
toys have gotten to know each other pretty well, on a first name
basis, as a matter of fact. Dan the Dildo.
D is also for Dick, something that you were not getting but pretty
sure someone else was so you resorted to Dan.
E is for Elephant. They never forget. Maybe next time you'll go out
with an Elephant.
F is for Faking it, which you had to do on several occasions.
Remember when you were a sophomore in high school and you were dating
the college guy that really knew how to make you scream? Wonder if
you can track him down via the Internet?
G is for Gut, which he developed after drinking so much beer.
H is for Hell. Obviously it was Heaven to be with him, you wouldn't
have left. Although Hell would insinuate that he could get you Hot,
which he rarely attempted after three months of being together.
I is for Indigo Girls. His actions caused you to resort to listening
to music...a lot of music. You chose the Indigo Girls and now you
are a lesbian.
J is for Juicy Fruit gum, which is what your relationship was like.
So wonderful in the beginning, fresh and new....he was so sweet. Then
after a short while he turned into a small grey lump with absolutely
no flavor.
K is for Kelly. The girl that was supposed to be an Irish GUY that
he was hanging out with at the bar after work. This was not the case
when you found two pairs of Victoria's Secret thong - back lace
panties with "Kelly's" name in one and "Shelly's" in the other.
Assume they were twin brothers, right?
L is for Lust. You Lust for Antonio Banderas and then go visit your
buddy Dan.
M stands for Murder One. You could get a double life sentence for
this - he really isn't worth it.
M also stands for Marriage. The Mention of Marriage may have been
what made him run like hell. Men, when found in their natural
habitat, are afraid of the committment beast.
N stands for Nice guys get None. Guess what? After this asshole,
Nice guys get Nothing but Nookie.
O is for Over it. This made you throw him out, general disgust. It
could have been the belching, the laziness, or the farting noises in
the armpits, but the nose-picking in bed was a little too much.
P is for Pissed off. All of your girlfriends are pissed off at him,
just because girls like to stick together.
Q is for Quickly. Kelly and Shelly must have run quickly away when
they heard your car pull up in the driveway and he mentioned that
you did carry a gun.
R is for Right. Women are always Right.
R is also for Rules. Men break them. So should we.
S is for Sex. Remember that?
T is for Tongue. If he's smart, he won't try to slip anything in your
mouth at this point if he intends on keeping it.
U is for Underwear. Not only did he forget Kelly and Shelly's, but he
would leave his skidmarked ones in the bathroom all the time.
V is for Venezuela. That's where you shipped Kelly in Shelly. In five
neatly compacted parcels.
W is for Whine. He did an awful lot of that for Sex when he came home
at three in the morning reeking of alcohol and "lost" his key. (You
later found it at Kelly and Shelly's house)
X is for Xavier Roberts. You know, the multi-millionaire that got rich
by creating Cabbage Patch dolls? Maybe you should track him down.
Money makes PMS (putting up with Men's shit) a lot easier.
Y is for Yak's breath, which seemed like a much better option than the
stench that would come from his mouth in the morning.
Z is for Zoro. What the hell? Tonto can join in on the fun if he
wants.
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