Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
The Top 16 Signs Your Gene Therapy Isn't Going Well
16> Six appearances in six weeks sets a new record on the Jerry
Springer Show.
15> While your 7'11" height has the NBA calling, that "maximum
of two arms" rule ruins everything.
14> "Hey, Four-eyes!" no longer just a cruel taunt.
13> The drooling, twitching, and incontinence are long gone,
yet you're *still* mistaken for Pauly Shore.
12> Your HMO declined payment for treatment due to the high cost
of silver bullets.
11> You begin regurgitating acid on Geena Davis, and you haven't
even seen "Cutthroat Island."
10> You're definitely starting to look like Elvis --
Elvis Costello.
9> You wake up with bloody pajamas, and the morning paper's
headline has to do with a rampaging wolf-like creature biting
off Karl Malden's nose.
8> You can now count the number of allegations of sexual
impropriety against President Clinton on one hand.
7> You regret not being more specific when you said you just
wanted to get more tail.
6> Your unicorn horn keeps poking your Cyclops eye.
5> You're now the owner of the world's most beautiful breasts.
If only they were in the front.
4> Your desire to return to your ancestral roots has manifested
itself in your new hobby of fashioning tools from your own
excrement.
3> Let's just say that in the size department, you now give both
Pamela and Tommy Lee a run for their money.
2> On your last trip to the zoo, the baboons were laughin' at
*your* big red butt.
and Top5's Number 1 Sign Your Gene Therapy Isn't Going Well...
1> When someone tells you to "Go screw yourself," you just smile
knowingly.
---
A little list of "Doc-isms"
What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:
"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending
anymore time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
---or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is,
you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be
cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this
stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can
solve this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a
shrink who'll split fees with me ...
"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn
something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off
next week.
-------
THE 9 TYPES OF WEB PAGE CREATORS
Joe/Jane Average College Student
Traits : Owner of a new university-supplied computer account with
http access. Complete lack of originality. Multiple references
to beer/Disney movies. Several photos of Student with college
buddies (high school, if freshman Student).
The Good News : They don't know how to get their page linked to
the outside world, so only they and their friends download their
16.7-million- color pictures from the last party.
The Bad News : They, their friends and their 16.7-million-color
pictures might be on your server.
Mr. "Enhanced For Netscape"
Traits : The second thing you see on his page is a Netscape logo
and a link to an ftp site where you can download Netscape
<BLINK>NOW!</BLINK>. The first thing you see is about 80
different <TITLE>s scrolling back and forth across your screen.
The Good News : You won't have to look at their pages for long,
because there won't be much there to see.
The Bad News : Half of the rest of the people who look at their
pages are going to think "Hey, that's cool!" and copy the source.
The Old-Timer
Traits : Pages compatible with HTML 1.0, no graphics and very few
attribute tags. Normal-text-size message at top says "This page
not enhanced for Netscape. Cope, whipper-snapper."
The Good News : He's likely there because he has something of
importance to say.
The Bad News : Whatever it is will likely be boring or far too
technical for you.
The 5-Year-Old
Traits : Pictures of their parents, the family pet, etc. More
data about the daily life of a kindergartener than you thought
possible. Cute "kiddy-talk" dialect to the text. <ADDRESS>
contains the note "such-and-such's mother helped her build this
page."
The Good News : The first few of these you see give you a warm,
fuzzy feeling.
The Bad News : The last few dozen of these you see all look the
same.
The Computer Science Major
Traits : Links to the linux FAQ, the Geek Code, Star Wars theme
music and DOOM .wad files. Cautious use of Netscape enhancements.
Picture of Darth Vader instead of personal pictures. HTML 3.0
(Beta) compliant seal-of-approval at bottom of her page.
The Good News : If you're a geek, you'll find what you're looking
for here. Even if you're not, you'll like the page design.
The Bad News : Complete lack of socially redeeming qualities.
Unfortunate tendency to upload specs of their home PC.
The Businessman
Traits : Pages without fancy backgrounds and with only one nice,
clean, imagemap. Unfortunately, there are no text-links for those
using Lynx.
The Good News : You won't go blind staring at his pages.
The Bad News : You might wish you had once you see the prices of
the goods/services he's offering.
The Newbie
Traits : Very little created text on their pages, it's almost all
links to other people's pages. Missing right brackets in <A
HREF>s kill whole lines of information. Several image files are
not able to be loaded. <CENTER>.
The Good News : They'll almost have to get better.
The Bad News : They just might not.
The Egotist
Traits : Large image of themself greets you when page is loading.
1/2 Meg .au file of him chatting with his dog. Access counts
shown for every page. Several lengthy pages devoted to his
compact disk/Magic card/beer bottle collection. More personal
details than you'd ever want to know.
The Good News : There isn't any.
The Bad News : Frequently friendly with Mr. "Enhanced for
Netscape."
The Maniac
Traits : Last counted 1267 .html files in his public_html
directory and 100+ CGI scripts in his cgi-bin directory. Is known
as a "Close Personal Friend of Bob [Allison]." Thinks the people
at Yahoo! "don't keep up with the Web fast enough." Will be the
first on his block to have an ethernet cable hardwired into his
brain.
The Good News : You could go through all his pages and never find
an error.
The Bad News : You'd never make it through all his pages.
-------
Airlines Codes Explained
AA Abort! Abort!
Always Awful
AI Allah Informed
Alitalia Always Late In Transit, Always Late In Arrival
Airplane Landed In Tokyo And Luggage In Atlanta
A Little Italian Tit And Lotsa Italitan Ass
A Little Italian Tradition And Lotsa Italian Attitude
American A Miracle Each Rider Is Currently Alive Now
Airline Meals Eaten Regularly Induces Cramps and Nausea
AUA Almost Unknown Airline
AWA Always Wasting Assets
BA Bloody Awful
British Apoplectic
BEA Better Eat Afterwards
BOAC Better On A Camel
Blast Off And Crash
Boeing Broken Off Engines In Numerous Gardens
BWIA Baggage Wandering In Africa
Better Walk If you're Able
Born to Wait In Airports
But Will I Arrive?
CAAC Chinese Airlines Always Cancel
Dan Air Dangerous And Nearly Always Incredibly Rough
Delta Damaged Engines Limit Take-off Ability
Departures Extra-Late, Tardy Arrivals
Directed Everybody's Luggage To Atlanta
Doesn't Even Leave The Airport
Doesn't Ever Let Terrorists Aboard
Doesn't Experience Like This Andrenalize?
Don't Even Let Them Aboard
Drunken Engineers Land Too Abruptly
EAA Even Apes Aviate
El Al Egyptian Louting Arab Loathing
Every Landing Always Late
Every Landing Always Lousy
Everyones Luggage Always Lost
Finnair Flies Ideally? Nah, Not Airbourne In Reality
JAL Journey Always Late
JAT Joke About Time
Liat Luggage Is Always Tardy
Lost inbetween Antigua, Trinidad
Leave island any time
Lot Lots Of Trouble
Lufthansa Let Us Fiddle The Hostess And Not Say Anything
Northwest Nobody Out Ranks This Horrid, Worthless,
Excruciatingly Sluggish Transport
Olympic Onassis Likes Your Money Paid In Cash
PAL Plane Always Late
Pan Am Passengers Always Need A Mortician
Pilots Are Not A Must
Poor Airline Needs Any Money
PIA Passenger's Illegal Abductor
Perhaps I Arrive
Please Inform Allah
PSA Paul's Saturday Airline
PWA Pete's Wobbly Airline
Piddly Widdly Airline
Please Wait Awhile
Qantas Queasy and Nauseous, Tired And Sick
Queers And Nymphomaniacs Trained As Stewards
Quick And Nasty Transportation, Australian Style
Quite A Neat Trick, Arriving Safely
Quite A Nice Trip, Any Survivors?
Quits Air-travel, Next Time Approaches Ship
Sabena Such A Bad Experience - Never Again
SAHSA Stay At Home, Stay Alive
SAS Service After Sex
Sex And Satisfaction
Such A S***
Sia Sex In the Air
Singapore Imitates America
TACA Take Another Carrier Always
Take A Coffin Along
Tome Alcohol Cuanda Aborda
TAP Take A Parachute
Take Another Plane
Thy They Hate You
TWA That Was Accidental
That Was Awful
Travel With Arabs
Teeny Weeny Airlines
Try Walking Across
Try With Another
Today's Worst Airline
Tomorrow We'll Arrive
Tomorrow's Widebody Accident
Totally Wasted Airlines
United U Need Insurance That Exempts Death
Usually Not Enclined To Eliminate Disasters
USAir (used to be Allegheny Airlines):
Unfortunately Still Allegheny In Reality
Underwater seats available in rear
Uta Unlikely To Arrive
Unable To Ascend
Varig Virgin's Are Rare In Glasgow
Virgin Very Interesting Ride: Going Into Nymphos
-------
"Calling in Sick... A Cat Owner's Story"
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no
matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss
thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but
lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal.
I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I
hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I
could think up a dozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
In this case, the truth hurt.
I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The
accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's
wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine
prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I
heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!"
she hearkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset
it." "You know where the button is." I protested through
the shower pitter-patter. "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and
sucks me in?" Pause. "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself
will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-
scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by watching
too many Stephen King movies.
It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like Lloyd Bentsen
telling Americans they are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist
did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into
round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life. So out I
came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a
statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without
consequence but it was I who would suffer.
I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find
the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It
struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.
Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing
metal teeth. it was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the
dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ("Buttons"
aka "the Grater) had been poised around the corner and
stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the
second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I
unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like
claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger
anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational
thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively,
their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising
upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained
monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full
weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step
procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight
or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only
the "flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels
when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats
seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink
and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked
me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood
over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics
snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing
their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me.
I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the
matter, cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known.
-----
The Top 16 Signs Your Kids Have Been
Watching Too Much "Jerry Springer"
16> During Sunday sermon, they hold a palm up to the pastor
and say, "Talk to the hand!"
15> Every night at the dinner table, it's the same routine:
"Eat your vegetables!" ....and the chairs go flying.
14> You've had to replace the babysitter with three burly
stagehands.
13> Dinner topic: "Teenage boys who hide 'Playboy' under
their mattresses."
12> Junior's new mastery of the headlock has made him the star
of his high school debate team.
11> Have evolved from playing "Doctor" to "Plastic Surgeon
specializing in Male Enlargement."
10> They want to know why they only live in a house instead of
a double-wide trailer.
9> At the dinner table, little Billy announces a surprise guest:
your secretary/mistress.
8> Your Elvis shrine ain't been Endusted in two weeks.
7> Her tendency to hop up on tables, tear her shirt open and
dance suggestively has gotten you banned from more than one
Chuck E. Cheese.
6> Your youngest has stopped calling you "Mommy" in favor of
"Crack-ho."
5> Math: C-
History: D+
English: F
Interviewing Transvestite Hookers: A+
4> Last year, when you told him to clean his room, you merely
got a sullen look. This year you get a dining room chair
over your head.
3> Your son asks if anyone makes a DNA paternity test kit for
Cabbage Patch Kids.
2> During that "little talk" with Junior, you're forced to admit
that you don't know if hermaphrodites are "birds" or "bees."
and The Number 1 Sign Your Kids Have Been
Watching Too Much Jerry Springer...
1> Poor Ken just found out he hasn't been dating Barbie,
but GI Joe in drag.
------
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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