Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
NOTE: Dr. Jack Kevorkian recently presided over his 100th
assisted suicide. In honor of this milestone, Top5 brings you...
The Top 16 Ways to Celebrate Your 100th Assisted Suicide
(Part I)
16> For #100, let's just say to Hell with that annoying "terminal
illness" requirement.
15> Head for Times Square and wait for Dick Clark's blood pressure
to drop.
14> Offer 1.9% GMAC Financing.
13> Set goal of trying harder -- the tobacco companies are still
so far ahead in the league standings.
12> Same as with #1 -- dinner for 2 with "Big Lou" in the Detroit
jail.
11> Update your website to read, "ONE HUNDRED dead people and no
convictions yet!"
10> Line up next couple dozen clients by cranking Michael Bolton
at the celebratory bash.
9> "I'm going to Defrost Walt Disney!!"
8> Call the boys at the Franklin Mint and tell them they can
issue that centennial plate now.
7> Explain to President Clinton that you don't do *political*
suicides.
6> Light a hundred candles on a cake, then freak everyone out
by snuffing them out one at a time.
5> Just for the day, change your name from "Dr. Death" to
"Dr.Hanky-Panky."
4> Appear on The Today Show as Willard Scott's "assistant."
3> Get a couple of hookers and give the back of that van some
*live* action for a change.
2> "Bartender! Purple Kool-Aid for all my friends!"
and the Number 1 Way to Celebrate Your 100th Assisted Suicide...
1> Pop open a cold one. Just be sure to put him back in his
drawer after you've danced him around the morgue.
-----
Take a break.
1. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
2. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
5. How is it possible to have a civil war?
6. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
7. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
8. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
9. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown
too?
10. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
11. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do
it?
12. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
13. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
15. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
16. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of
"asteroids"?
17. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
18. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that
song?
19. What happens when none of your bees wax?
20. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
21. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a
plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
22. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
23. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why
doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
-------
Yet even more strange facts.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to
suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or
neck and die.
Nearly a third of all bottled drinking water purchased in the US is
contaminated with bacteria.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over
1 million descendents.
You are more likely to be struck by lightning that to be eaten by a
shark. You are more likely to be infected by flesh-eating bacteria
than you are to be struck by lightning.
If you urinate when swimming in a South American river, you may
encounter the candiru. Drawn to warmth, this tiny fish is known to
follow a stream of urine to its source, swim inside the body, and
flare is barbed fins. It will remain firmly embedded in the flesh
until surgically removed.
The soft plastic headphones used on airplanes create a warm, moist
environment in the ear canal that is ideal for breeding bacteria.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in
your ear by 700 times.
On a plane, if the passenger in your seat on the incoming flight had
serious gas, then you are sitting on a cushion full of
disease-causing microbes.
Four sunken nuclear submarines sit at the bottom of the Atlantic
Ocean. One, a Russian sub resting in deep water off of Bermuda, holds
16 live nuclear warheads. Scientists and oceanographers are unsure
what the impact of the escaping plutonium will have, but warn that
corrosion could create the proper chemical environment for a massive
nuclear chain reaction.
In 1994, electromagnetic interference (EMI) from a nearby cellular
telephone captivated a power wheelchair at a scenic vista in
Colorado, sending the passenger over a cliff.
If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title
14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on
July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact
with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
-------
One Liners From Women
1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm
not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. [Dolly Parton]
2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever
see a smart woman with a dumb guy. [Erica Jong]
3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends
told me she was in labour for 36 hours. I don't even want to do
anything that feels good for 36 hours. [Rita Rudner]
4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We
can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. [Rita Rudner]
5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. [Wendy
Liebman]
6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. [Erma
Bombeck]
7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. [Sue
Grafton]
8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
[Roseanne Barr]
9. I think -- therefore I'm single. [Lizz Winstead]
10. "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men
invade another country." [Elayne Boosler]
11. "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." [Maryon
Pearson]
12. "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." [Gilda
Radner]
13. "In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want
anything done, ask a woman." [Margaret Thatcher]
14. "If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably
choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the
Virgin Mary." [Margaret Atwood]
15. "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine
marriage and a career." [Gloria Steinhem]
16. "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." [Gloria
Steinhem]
17. "I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at
home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which
growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat
that comes home late at night." [Marie Corelli]
18. "Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." [Baroness Edith
Summerskill]
19. "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around
your neck?" [Linda Ellerbee]
20. "I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep
his house." [Zsa Zsa Gabor]
--------------
Medical Misstatements
The following statements were found on patient's charts during a
recent review of medical records. These statements were written by
various health care professionals including (we're afraid) a doctor or
two at several major hospitals:
"The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."
"The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the
pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately."
"Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."
"The skin was moist and dry."
"The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until
1989 when she got a divorce."
"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
ran out of gas and crashed."
"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy."
"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle,
who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week."
"Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los
Angeles."
"Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation."
"She is numb from her toes down."
"Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot."
"While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as
stockbroker instead."
"Coming from Detroit, this man has no children."
"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
"Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his
family in no distress."
------
Real Life
The other day, we had a bomb scare here in Rio Rancho, NM at the Giant
gas station. Of course the bomb squad had to be called out to
investigate, which in turn brought the news. In the local paper the
next day, they had a picture of a bomb squad member, wearing a shirt
that said:
"I am a bomb technician. If you see my running, try and keep up!"
---------
Big Busted Women...
-can get a taxi on the worst days (very true! - ^v^)
-have a neat place to carry spare change
-have always been the center of the arts (art) (hehehe - ^v^)
-make jogging a spectator sport
-can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
-have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
-usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
-can always carry a little extra
-always float better (yep - ^v^)
-know where to look first for lost earrings (been there, done that -
^v^)
-rarely have to look for a slow dance partner
-have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless
recliner (just glasses? Ha! I can hold the whole darn book! - ^v^)
Small Busted Women...
-don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
-always look younger (I beg your pardon? - ^v^)
-find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
-can always see their toes and shoes
-can sleep on their stomachs (ouch, that hurts - ^v^)
-have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
-know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts
-know that everything more than a handful is wasted
-can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
-can take aerobics class without running the risk of knocking
themselves out
-can hug closer, nicer, and longer (closer - yes; longer - maybe; nicer?
-------
MANAGED FRIENDSHIP
____________________________________________
Welcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about
friends and relationships. The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP)
combines
all the advantages of a traditional friendship network with important
cost-saving features.
How Does It Work?
Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of
pre-screened
accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are
met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.
What's Wrong with my Current Friends?
If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship services
from
a network of providers haphazardly patched together from your old
neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly
duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current
friendsmay not meet national standards, responding to your needs with
inappropriate, outmoded, or even experimental acts of friendship.
Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by
your designated Best Friend, who will ensure the quality and goodness
of fit of all your friendly relationships.
How Do I Know That the Plan's Panel of Friends Is Not Made Up of a
Bunch of Losers Who Can't Make Friends on Their Own?
Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship
Providers
are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality Friendship in a
cost-effective manner. They have joined our network because they
want
to focus on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and
paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused the cost of
traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our Friendship Providers have
met our rigorous standards of companionship and loyalty.
What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing?
Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and
expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under
the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to
pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed
Friendship Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of
his/her friendship.
Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship Network?
You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network only
in
the event of a Friendship Emergency.
What is a Friendship Emergency?
The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a
day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out of town, after
regular business hours, or when your Best Friend is with someone
else.
You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find that
you feel lonely. In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all
approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan, provided
you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship
Hotline) within two business days.
What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?
Friendly Activities that are typically covered include:
- Agreeing with you
- Appearing sympathetic
- Chewing the fat
- Dropping by
- Feeling your pain
- Gossiping
- Hanging out
- Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)*
- Joshing
- Kidding around
- Listening to you whine
- Partying
- Passing the time
- Patting your back
- Ribbing
- Sharing a meal
- Shooting the breeze
- Slinging the bull
- Teasing
*up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan
What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?
Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not
limited
to):
- Bar hopping
- Bending over backwards
- Drinking to excess
- Giving a hoot
- Going the extra mile
- Lending money
- Real empathy
- Sexual favors
- Truly caring
- Using illicit drugs
How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?
A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just call our
toll-free number. Or visit our web site. Sign up for the Managed
Friendship Plan and rest easier that all of your appropriate
friendship needs will be met.
Who Decides What's Appropriate for Me?
We do. Isn't that what friends are for?
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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