Any contributions for updates? I have already corrected a couple of typos.
I already have ASCII Maps, JoTL, Beermeister, MNES, LUST and Totty Twins
on the blocks.
Betty
THE LEEDS LIST GLOSSARY AS AT August 28th, 1996
A collection of nicknames, acronyms and descriptions all purporting to
relate to the unofficial Leeds United AFC internet mailing list,
composed or edited by Betty Boocock, with several contributions coming
from the individuals concerned. So, if you're confused and bewildered by
the in-jokes and strange references on the list, read on and let
enlightenment flow...
ADOLPHI - Home of the pre match list meet, really called the Adelphi,
but renamed when it was suggested that the NF might have once met there.
ARMCHAIR - Usual seat taken by most opinionated members of the list,
preferably in foreign climes where the best view is always available. NB
the enormous, motorised armchair is Betty's large car built by French
communists.
BETTY - according to Andy 'Blood on Yer Boots' King, "I seem to remember
earlier this year you sorted out a few of the listers (Maggie,
Squiggle?) problems, and for a while the list was more like a ‘Dear
Aunty Betty the Agony Aunt’ list than a Leeds list". According to Guy:
"Because of your Betty Boothroyd tendencies during a number of
disputes." If the truth be known, it is because my Aunty Betty Boocock
is the only member of the family still left in Swinnow.
BLIND JOHN - Mr John Lukic (a former custodian of the onion bag).
BMW - The Best Mate's Wife. Euphemism for mistress, only used by cads
and bounders.
BOTL - Birds on The List. The women who contribute to life on the list,
and that's real women, not transvestites like Betty and Maggie.
BTW - Standard computer nerd acronym for "by the way”. Apparently, this
saves ink.
CASHBURN, NEWMONEY - (Come on, you can work those out, can't you?)
CHURCH OF THE REAL MAN/YORKSHIRE MAN - situated in the heart of the West
Leeds triangle of Burley, Headingley and Kirkstall, the Church and its
leader, Da Reverend John Lee, instructs devotees in the art of
Grolsch-swilling, currying, nesting, and opinionated conversation,
especially in the company of students who are not tolerated within the
Church. Chief doctrines include NO Rabid Canines, no buying Sharp
products, the sworn aim of the destruction of all things Lancastrian and
the moving of Parliament to Swaledale. It's anti Southern-Jessy &
Wearside-maggot philosophies easily identify the brethren. Dress sense
is casual with attitude, musical preferences eclectic but no hippie
shit, and a love of Geoffrey Boycott is essential. A definite NO SCABS
rule applies to membership, regardless of all other criteria, although
if you've ever shagged Sophie Rayworth you're probably in! Birds are
tolerated, but only if they're fit, can cook curry or are related to DRB
by marriage. In short, the brethren of justice and righteousness found
in the Church of the Real Man/Yorkshire Man are Gods children on Earth,
reside in the Land of the Gods and will surely one day inherit the Earth
(and will then proceed to wipe Lancashire off it!).
CHINAMAN - Young Lee Sharpe
DENIS - I ended up with Denis cos after the headshave at Euronet 96, I
ended up looking like Denis Irwin. Fortunately, my hair's grown back a
bit now. Still, it's better than being accused of looking like
'Sutcliffe' a few years ago (not funny I know, but that's southern
'humour' for you).
dOLEITE - (see SQUIGGLE).
DRB - Custodian of the reserve report and choirmaster of the Choir of
Unholy Angels, who normally give concerts on the Football Special of a
match day.
DUNDERHEAD - My list name is not a nickname but in fact my surname. This
is itself an Anglicisation of our previous, family name of Dumbkopf. My
great-grandfather, like many first-generation German immigrants during
the Great War, thought it prudent to change the family name of
Pimmelkopf to Windsor, but those damned Saxe-Cobourgs had beaten him to
it. He chose instead the more familiar surname of Dumbkopf, being true
to his Hanoverian roots while adopting a name commonly understood in
Great Britain.
FAKE TAN - If it is of any interest, the reason for my moniker Fake-Tan
is that after my first Adelphi trip before The Witness' hat-trick
against Ipswich, Da Rev sent this message to the List: "Apologies to
those of you in't Adelphi last night, I was completely knackered and
needed a few stiff drinks to get me moving again so wasn't my usual
whingeing lively self. Good to put a few more faces to names, Dave (RB)
and Charlie (Is it really that sunny up in Durham or was that fake-tan,
I think we should be old!!)." To which my reply was: "Well the secret is
out, thanks to a great night with the Listers in the Adelphi; cheers for
making me so welcome. Seeing The Witness get a first-half hat-trick
right in front of us in the Kop was something special. Now the Fake-Tan:
Take Your Pick, all or none of the following could be responsible:
1. It is fake-tan and I have bought Clayton Blackmore's used Sun-Bed; 2.
It is sunny in Durham, and I do a bit of running; 3. It is hereditary,
my father looks like a ruddy-faced farmer (he's a Blade); 4. I drink far
too much malt."
GBSS - Green and Blue Striped Shirt (as worn at away matches and in Mr
Goodair's bedroom) see also YBSS.
HAM SANDWICH - OK, this was the label given to me by the rabid Reverend
Mr John Lee after the TSB-Lard match. At 2pm he wanted to go for a curry
-- I couldn't stomach it at that time and besides, no-where would've
been open, so instead we all headed down to Granary Wharf? where I
tucked into a tasty ham sandwich, baked spud and a gingerbread man. The
Rev then branded me with that name and the rest is history. Trouble is
that following subsequent Lard matches, the Rev has not disproved the
rumour that he's a korma eating Nancy.
IMO/IMHO - More standard computer nerd jargon for "in my opinion/in my
humble opinion. Supposedly saves nanoseconds at the list server.
JABBA - see THE PLASTIC PENGUIN
JACK THE TWAT DOORMAN - head of security at h'Elland Road, has a
peculiarly 'posh' Yorkshire accent when interviewed on telly, entailing
h'appearance of h's h'all h'over the place. Wears naff grey uniform and
chauffeurs peaked hat. Complete jobsworth a la Blakey in ‘On the Buses’.
Favourite sayings "YOU CAN'T PARK THERE"& "YOU CAN'T GO DOWN THERE --
EVEN PLAYERS CAN'T GO DOWN THERE!". In short, a complete f***ing
embarrassment! His appearance on Match of the Day last season set a new
low in the public relations history of Leeds United.
JUDAS - Title applied to former heroes who willingly transfer to a new
club, particularly after proclaiming undying love for the Gods and their
fans. Current holder is a Mr. G. McAllister currently plying his trade
for some obscure team in the West Midlands. (See also TPFKAM)
KLKOT - Kev Lewis King of Tonga. I think it started in the Rugby Club I
play for when we were touring. Someone reckoned that I was spread out in
this easy chair, looking like the King of Tonga. I perpetuated it to
some extent, by blacking-up for a game once, and finding various
artefacts of South Sea Island origin. I have been sent various photos
and newspaper articles on the gentleman or impostor whichever way you
look at it. I believe MLPOT, my son, first brought this to the attention
of the list, at a pre-match list meet in the Adolphi, it was well
received, and the moniker took.
LAND OF THE GODS - LOTG our hallowed county, the broad acres that are
Yorkshire.
LARDS - The most excellent Leeds list footie team composed of, eerm,
anyone who can turn out.
LARDETTES - anyone turning out to support the LARDS.
LARNDAN - The capital city of the south of England
leedslist[at]gn.apc.org - the new home of the list, but then you
wouldn't be reading this if you didn't already know that before Gav
(see THE LISTOWNER below) did a Macca for more brass in some technical
college somewhere. (FYI ox.vax.ac.uk - the original home of the list)
LOTSA - Land Of The Sad Alcoholic. Scotland where about two of us live.
M-PEOPLE - ask Ade Thompson (Ham Sandwich) and heavy metal guru Maggie
Barber.
MAD DOG - Our dearly beloved manager. see also TMFKAW.
MAGGIE BARBER - Erstwhile Lards manager, named after the WFKATPM, Maggie
Thatcher. He is noted as having once said "That's Margaret to you." when
addressing the Rev in the Adolphi.
MNES - Magnificent New East Stand. Complete with medicated toilet paper.
MOALM - Mother of All List Meets (The List meet the night before the
Fizzy Pop Cup Final, plus the pre- and post-match meets on the day).
Also leads to various offshoots. I'm sure you can all work Fizzy Pop Cup
out:-)
MUCKSHIFTER - As a young roofer in Wakey, I was bollocked by the clerk
of works on a building site in Crigglestone for throwing a load of old
slates in to a freshly dug trench. The two blokes (1 Irish, 1 Polish)
who had dug the trench, told the foreman where to stick his shovel when
asked to clear up my mess. I was then ordered by a very irate foreman to
"get cracking” and had to climb in the trench to remove all the
knackered slates. The Polish bloke, while laughing at my feeble attempts
to clear 6ft with a spadeful of rubbish, called me a "useless
muckshifter", which is what builders call a JCB (or they used to). The
name stuck for a while. Anyway, nowadays I work for a publisher, and
while looking through a list of journals I was amazed to spot one called
"Muckshifter", which is about mechanical diggers, not about skinny
16-year-old Wakey lads. The memories came flooding back, I can still
smell the asbestos now! I don't really know why I decided to use it as a
pseudonym.......perhaps there is something wrong with me? Mam, mam, can
I come out of this cupboard now .........!
OCCUPIED YORKSHIRE - Anywhere outside of Yorkshire.
OCTOPUSSY - Mr Carlton Palmer (see most video footage of his performances).
POPE PAUL - Paul MacGowan, apologist for the MAD DOG and leader of the
acolytes, Mrs Firm and Silent Bob, lost somewhere west of the Dingle
Peninsula.
RUSTBELT CITY - Sheffield (allegedly playing football in LOTG).
SCUM - Manchester United (and thus Scummers, Scumchester etc..).
SOTG - Stadium of The Gods. Our superb ground, Elland Road.
SQUIGGLE - Just as Doctor Who had to have a new face every few years, I
must have a new name every few months. Firstly, there was "The Voice of
Football". This was apt at the time, because by thunder did I know my
stuff. Then, when football died as we knew and loved it (circa the
building of the Old Trafford megastore) I metamorphosised into<~O
(formerly the gobshite known as Voice). This was partly in protest at
the bastardisation of our beautiful game, and partly so the Internet
Hotspurs didn't kick the shit out of me. Then it was Squiggle -- this
was because my keyboard lost its "~" sign. (I think it was set up
incorrectly). Along the way there's been Chantelle and others. Now, I'm
plain old dOLEITE. Not very imaginative, not very amusing. Just apt.
(sniff! sniff!). <~O (who's just found ASCII code 126)
STEVIE GRANDDAD - I'm afraid it's not very interesting but the Granddad
comes from my band Granddads Don't Indicate. We all get called the
Granddads cos the whole thing is such a gob full, hence Stevie Granddad,
(my mother-in-law insists on calling me it??). Nowt to do with Leeds,
nowt to do with sprogs, sorry.
TAPP - see THE PLASTIC PENGUIN.
THE ARSE - Arsenal FC (world's most boring football team).
THE BOY WETH - Rather dull origin of "The Boy Weth". Half derived from an
office I worked in adapting "The Boy Lineker" all those years ago for
all of us. Thus, The Boy Lawrenson, The Boy Gaymer etc. Told you it was
dull. When I enrolled on E World, I had no idea that a name was
required, panicked and put that in. Mind you, it has inspired me to end
messages again with The Boy Weth.
THE DON - Mr Donald Revie (a management God - well to 99.99% of us).
THE GODS - Our glorious team.
THE LISTOWNER - Gav Burnage who "looks after" his foundling, The List.
He gets called other things too: Eric, Erique, Canto, Ooh Aah French
Wanker (a few hundred arsenal fans did the latter one), Fuck Off Cantona
(a few hundred Leeds fans did that one).
THE MESSIAH - Mr Anthony Yeboah (an imported German nickname).
THE PLONKER - Rodney Wallace who seems to obey the Law of Gravity at
every opportunity and make intimate contact with the ground anytime he
has the ball and often without it.
THE QUIET MAN - Roger Michelle Goodair, part time Bradford Bulls
supporter and hammer of the ladies in sensible shoes.
THE RHINESTONE COWBOY - The Rhinestone Cowboy, if he exists, can be
found in crappy boozers like The Nags Head, Market Tavern and the Regent
selling dodgy copies of Pocohontas or fake Tag Heuers -- when he's not
on holiday in places like Italy allegedly checking out some player who
has absolutely no intention of coming to Leeds! Has sponsorship from
Gerry and Sylvia Anderson for his Joe 90 style glasses, which must emit
some form of stupidity ray on past performance.
THE WITNESS - see MESSIAH above.
THE YOUNG GODS - Yorkshire County Cricket Club.
THEATRE OF WET DREAMS - An ironic reference to Old Trafford.
"THERE'LL BE WEEPING IN THE STREETS OF BOURNEMOUTH TONIGHT" - A
non-ironic reference to a SCUM defeat.
TMFKAW - The Manager Formerly Known as Wilko. Our illustrious Manager,
Mr Howard Wilkinson (see also MAD DOG).
TPFKAM - The Player (or is it penalty taker?) Formerly Known as Macca. A
onetime captain of our glorious team, now starring in a new show at
Highfield Road -- along with several other people who are just pawns in
the game of life that is Premiership Footie. (see also JUDAS).
THE PLASTIC PENGUIN - This came from two separate occasions: in Dublin
for the pre-season game in 1995, I turned up at the pub in white shirt &
dark trousers (heading to a club afterwards) -- Gav said I looked like
something out of Riverdance, so I gave a quick hop& jig - only to be
told that that was more like a penguin. Hence Penguin. Then at the Spurs
away game a month or so later, I thought I'd lost my match ticket. I
found it buried in the depths of my wallet -- I found it after I'd
removed my copious collection of credit cards (and to my shame, a
Sainsbury's Spend'n'Save card :-). Hence Plastic Penguin. Shortly
afterwards, it turned out that there was a big drugs boss in Dublin who
had arranged several nasty accidents -- he was called The Penguin, so I
became the Plastic Puffin for my own safety. Joined in the mad list rush
to abbreviation as TAPP (The Abbreviated Plastic Puffin) before
reverting to my long-standing nickname of Jabba when I finally grew out
of it all.
TSB - The Square Ball. Rip off Gods fanzine.
WIACW - Wilko Is A Complete Wanker. A commentary on our manager's
ability (or lack of it) as Mr Goodair signed off for quite a while. Mr
Goodair has Football Managerial pretensions himself (see also LARDS)
VATMAN - Mr Robin Launders, our recently appointed, ex scum employee,
Chief Executive and man in charge of the Bendix. (Vatman and Robin geddit?).
VINNY - (as in 'the Jones Boy') When I started my present job, Vinny
Jones was still terrorising Div 2 opposition with a dodgy wedge(ish)
haircut! I decided to have a similar style and when the blokes here
found out I supported Leeds someone mentioned Vinny Jones. A couple of
weeks later they asked me to play in an inter-company tournament and I
was put at Left back. I think we were one-nil up at half time but only
just holding on, as they had a big bloke (compared to me) of about 16
stone in the centre of midfield who was running the show. Our manager
(my boss) decided to move me into the centre at half-time and just after
the restart there was a 50-50 ball between us. We both steamed in, and I
don't know where the ball went but I got up and he didn't. He limped off
a few moments later as my colleagues on the sidelines started chanting
VINNY VINNY! We went on to win 3-0 and a new nickname was born.
WATC-COE - We Are the Champions - Champions of Europe. To be sung loudly
and shirtless throughout half time at away games, to remind us of our
true standing (no matter how crap we happen to be playing).
YBSS - Yellow and blue striped shirt (see also GBSS).
Compiled by Betty
August 28th, 1996
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Dave Dowden, a legend, a Totty Twin, a pie man! R.I.P.
